Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is an excerpt from my second book, Suddenly Single for Married Couples: A Practical Guide to Hoping for th eBest but Preparing for the Worst. I hope you enjoy it!
Gentlemen, one of the greatest gifts you can give your wife is the freedom not to have to remarry after your demise. One of my church friends is a widow whose hubby very suddenly died of a heart attack during a family vacation. He was only in his 60s and was in relatively good health, otherwise. She and the rest of the family were in shock. To his credit, he provided very well for her and she has been able to live comfortably on the insurance money and investments he had for 20+ years. Some widows are not so fortunate and have no choice (other than poverty) to remarry quickly. Instead, she is able to maintain her household, help her grown children as need be, and travel modestly when she desires. For a short time, she dated three men at the same time, going to stamp club with one, the morning church services with another, and sitting with the third man at evening services. When I asked her if she planned to marry one of them, she replied, “Why would I do that? When I get tired of whoever I am with, I send him home.” Two of the men since then died; the stamp club fellow moved to Florida. It’s nice to know that she has not been forced into remarriage due to finances.
According to the Huffington Post blog the Savvy Senior, remarriage can affect your estate planning because the new spouse may be entitled to a percentage of your estate- as much as one-third to one-half- unless you have a prenuptial agreement (para. 2). You will also be responsible for paying for your new spouse’s long-term care and medical bills (para. 3). Remarrying can also influence the collection of your former spouse’s Social Security (para. 5), pension benefits (para. 6), alimony (para. 7), and college aid for your children (para. 8). These are financial matters that must be taken seriously.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is about knowing when to move Mom or Dad. I hope you find it helpful!
According to a pastor I spoke with, most of the time at his church, he sees Baby Boomers caring for aging parents. They have to make decisions regarding their parents’ health and financial matters. They go to their parents’ home every week to take care of medical and care needs. This adds an incredible strain to their marriages, as well as taking a great deal of their time. He found that caregivers in situations like this frequently lose contact with their own spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. They believe that no one can care for their parents the way that they can, so they devote a great deal of time and energy to the task. Sometimes they talk about moving their parents, but this leaves the parent with no network of people who care, no church, and increases the financial strain on the family. If the parents move, they don’t know anyone in their new location, especially if they have become shut-ins. The pastors go to see Mrs. Jones, for example, but she doesn’t know anyone else in that area.
The pastor had a superb solution: he and his wife moved his widowed mother to a new home close to theirs before her need arose. She had watched her friends die or move away and was becoming increasingly alone in the neighborhood and church where she had lived and worshiped for the past 40 years. She was running out of people that she knew, so her son and his wife moved her while she was still active and could make new friends. People build community around you. She moved a lot earlier than she needed to but now she is making new friends and building a new life at her new church. If this is not a possibility, find a balance or it will consume your family.
What suggestions do you have for knowing when you need to help your parents move? What was the biggest challenge to you as a son or daughter to help make that move go smoothly? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Here are some ideas from my book Suddenly Single:
Women whose husbands have found greener pastures also need to be savvy with financial matters. An ex-husband-to-be can frequently hide assets so that his new nest can be well-feathered. Beware of the hubby who drops hints that he is building a nest egg, especially if it seems that someone else will be sitting on the eggs. Keep your ears and eyes open; state laws can help you with some of these assets but you need a good lawyer to help get you your share (yes, I know that some people consider “good” and “lawyer” to be mutually exclusive words, but I mean you need to find someone who will help uncover those hidden pots of gold and get you the money your years with an adulterous spouse deserve). Does he suddenly receive financial statements from accounts with institutions you know nothing about? That could very well be a hidden asset, sister!
To find the lawyer who would be the most helpful in getting your share of the family assets, you do not necessarily need someone who will “kick butt” in the court room; you need someone who knows the laws in your state. While it might feel good to find a lawyer who will make your ex squirm, an attorney who really knows his or her stuff is actually more of an asset. If it makes you feel any better, just be aware that, as Erma Brombeck always said, the grass is always greener over the septic tank. I would add: and you know what that is full of.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog shares information from my second book, which I am presently working on. This excerpt talks about caring for an elderly family member and is based on an interview I did with one of the pastors from my church. I hope you find it helpful.
According to a pastor I spoke with, most of the time at his church, he sees Baby Boomers caring for aging parents. They have to make decisions regarding their parents’ health and financial matters. They go to their parents’ home every week to take care of medical and care needs. This adds an incredible strain to their marriages, as well as taking a great deal of their time. He found that caregivers in situations like this frequently lose contact with their own spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. They believe that no one can care for their parents the way that they can. So they devote a great deal of time and energy to the task. Sometimes they talk about moving their parents, but this leaves the parent with no network of people who care, no church, and increases the financial strain on the family. If the parents move, they don’t know anyone in their new location, especially if they have become shut-ins. The pastors go to see Mrs. Jones, for example, but she doesn’t know anyone else in that area.
The pastor had a superb solution: he and his wife moved his widowed mother to a new home close to theirs before her need arose. She had watched her friends die or move away and was becoming increasingly alone in the neighborhood and church where she had lived and worshipped for the past 40 years. She was running out of people that she knew, so her son and his wife moved her while she was still active and could make new friends. People build community around you. She moved a lot earlier than she needed to but now she is making new friends and building a new life at her new church. If this is not a possibility, find a balance or it will consume your family.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog asks the question: how do you pay for it all? A friend of mine recently found herself in an awkward situation:
She’s divorced, her ex does not pay any child support, her mother was ill and elderly, she is nearing retirement age herself, and her son is preparing to enter high school and is discussing colleges he might like to attend. So, how is she to pay for all of her son’s expenses, a nursing home for her demented mother, prepare for her own retirement, and pay for at least four years of college?
As it turned out, her mother died unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago and she found out that her son is doing so well in middle school that he will be taking all honors classes in high school. This will increase the likelihood that he will be able to get a scholarship, especially since he is also gifted at sailing and one of the colleges he is considering offers sailing scholarships. She may need to keep working longer than she originally thought but she is making plans for her future financial security.
What things have you been doing as a newly-single person to shore up your elderly years? If you haven’t given it much thought, you should.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Do you know anyone who stashes cash at their home? A friend’s elderly grandfather grew up during the depression and he didn’t trust banks. As a result, he kept a great deal of money at his house. One day when she was vacuuming, he told her to be careful around the drapes. When she asked why, he told her that he had money pinned to the bottom of the inside of the curtains. He also had additional money hidden throughout the house but he refused to say exactly where it was. When he died, he still hadn’t told anyone. His wife and family never did locate the hidden stash. At last check, it was still hidden. He was a good hider (and good at keeping secrets)! If you are hiding money, make sure that someone in your family knows where it is or the money could be lost to your family forever.
When cleaning out my aunt’s house, we discovered money hidden in magazines. She also grew up during the depression and realized it was important to have money in case the banks were not open. We also found death certificates in old magazines, so be very careful when going through an older person’s belongings.
In our family lore, there is the story of our finding a loaf of bread that never made it into the kitchen. She apparently got distracted as she walked into her house and left her groceries on the bed in the front bedroom. Years later, we found it. Did you know that, left long enough to its own devices, a sliced loaf of bread will congeal back into a solid mass? It isn’t edible at that point, by the way. Thankfully, the rest of the groceries were cans of beans, which she really loved. The cans had expired and exploded, but they thoughtfully did that inside the bags. My precious great aunt was not fond of housekeeping, or she might have found them before they…..passed on.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
This might seem like a downer of a blog for today, but how much did you love your spouse? Are you one of those folks who somehow believe that your spouse was a mere placeholder for the woman (or man) of your dreams? If so, then your time of grief might be considerably less than someone else’s season of mourning. Are you a fellow who says he will re-marry “immediately” if your wife dies? Does she know you feel that way?
A friend of mine lost his wife last year and an old flame has come into his life. He is very excited about this new relationship, but his family is less enthusiastic about his new woman. Another man I know says that, when his wife dies (she isn’t even sick!), he will clap his hands together and say, “Next!” A gal who took care of her ailing hubby for ten years told me recently that “no one will ever replace Bob. I miss him every day, even though I had to do everything for him in the end.” Some friends of mine have a brother-in-law who started dating (officially, anyway) two weeks after his wife died of breast cancer. When that relationship soured, he moved his new and younger love into the family home six months after his wife passed. When that woman went her own way, he took up with an even younger woman; his three teens are struggling with getting to know their father’s third girlfriend in two years.
How do you feel about this? What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to mourn the death of someone or the end of a relationship? I would love to get your insight into this.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A friend of mine is a caregiver for his brother who has mental problems (mildly retarded and a paranoid schizophrenic). One day, my friend’s wife was entertaining some friends in the downstairs living room while her brother-in-law was preparing to take a shower upstairs. He couldn’t find a towel, so he walked into the gathering to ask the wife where the towels were. The thing was, he was not wearing any clothes. He did not seem the least put out by his lack of garments, but the ladies sitting in their pastor’s home were rather embarrassed. (Yes, my friend is a pastor!)
What did she do? Well, she helped him return to the bathroom and gave him the towel he needed. From then on, my friend and his wife made sure that the brother had a showering schedule that did not coincide with a visit from the church ladies, and they made certain that everything was in its rightful place when shower time arrived.
My hat is off to those of you dear readers who provide care for a disabled family member. Your burden is great; one day, your reward will be be great, as well. Do any of you have a story you would like to share? I am in the process of writing book number two in the Suddenly Single series and would love to include your story in the book, as well.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
What in the world do worms have to do with a foundation or with you? My sister-in-law is a gardener and she says that worms are essential for having good soil and, therefore, a good garden.
Much like a garden, our relationships need to have a good foundation. If you have just met someone, it is easy to think that they hung the moon, especially if you are a new widow or widower or a new divorcee. Sadly, there can be such a hurry to not be lonely anymore that we miss out on the foundation of that relationship, or the worms, if you will.
What are some worms? Having a spiritual foundation is vital, so that we are not unequally joked, but it is also important to make sure that we are not so eager to be in a relationship that we overlook who that person really is. How well do we know someone? One of my friends actually bought a house with her boyfriend, only to find out later that he wasn’t the person she thought he was. He turned out to have an anger problem, in addition to being rather unpleasant in general. She hadn’t focused on the worms in her haste to be involved with someone quickly.
What worms do you recommend that someone has before launching into a relationship?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you known someone who seemed to hurry too fast into his or her next relationship? I know a man who, when he got divorced, remarried the same day his divorce was final. The new marriage failed, but he remarried very quickly. It seemed as if he was in too big a hurry to get remarried to take the time to get to know his potential spouse.
Another friend-of-a-friend was widowed, remarried an old girlfriend a few months later, and came to regret the fact that he really did not know the old girlfriend as well as he thought. Apparently, anyone can fool you into thinking they are someone they are not for at least a short period of time.
One of my divorced business friends met a guy in a bar and married him three weeks later. He swept her off her feet, and eventually swept away with a lot of her money.
This is not to say that fast marriages don’t work. One of the couples I know from church married 13 days after they met and have been happily married for 64 + years. My own parents met on a blind date, got engaged three days later, married seven months later, and were happy together for 67 1/2 years (my mother died).
What do you think of marrying quickly? Has it worked out for you? What advice would you give someone who is considering “rushing in where angels fear to tread?” I would love to hear your thoughts.
Best,
Dr. Sheri