Hello everyone:
I recently came across an elderly gentleman who was taking medications (vitamins) that he had not told anyone about. Sadly, the vitamins he thought would help him had a negative impact on the prescribed medications his doctors had given him. He ended up in the hospital for several days as his doctors tried to figure out why he had had a bad reaction to medication that they had given him.
In a chance comment to his adult children, they learned that he had been taking a vitamin that he had heard about on television. He said, “But it will help me sleep.” Yes, but when combined with the medication his doctors had given him, it almost made him sleep permanently.
Please make sure that your children and your doctors know exactly what you are taking, even if it seems pretty harmless. Do not begin putting any medications or vitamins that you hear about from magazines or television into your body, until you have discussed it thoroughly with your medical professional. Otherwise, you might not be as lucky as the man I wrote about at the beginning of the blog. His doctors changed his medications twice before they knew who the real culprit was in their patient’s medical challenges. Fortunately, his side comment made all the difference in his treatment.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Perhaps you have been single for a long time, or maybe your journey in singleness is relatively recent. Whatever the case, you have decided to jump back into the pool of availability and you may have your eye on the next Mr. or Ms. Right at this very moment. Let’s take a step back and look at your potential mate.
The individual seems pretty near perfect. He or she is intelligent, attractive, and pleasant. The stars seem to be in alignment on this pairing and you are seriously considering taking the plunge into matrimonial waters again. My question for you is: how does this person handle not getting his or her way?
Since marriage is a partnership and has a lot of give and take, does this individual insist that he or she is always right, that his or her way is the only way things should be done? Some gals burst into tears with the slightest provocation, while some guys blow up if things are not going his way. Either reaction is bothersome. Both are ways to control you and your life. Tears are a passive aggressive approach to getting one’s own way, while anger can be downright dangerous to your physical and mental health. Neither is a good way to live.
Some controlling partners become sullen or withdrawn, while others stew over plans when they don’t get their way. Maybe this individual is a pouter, who acts like a two-year-old whose favorite toy has been taken away. Hey, it worked then and it still works, even though the person is grown. Have you ever seen a little kid in a grocery store who wants a treat and Mom or Dad doesn’t want to give it to the child? The kid might choose to pitch a fit or hold his or her breath long enough to scare the parent. Maybe the child is throwing a full-blown temper tantrum right there in the store. To keep the peace, Mom or Dad gives in, reinforcing the behavior in the child’s mind.
Fast forward a couple dozen years and now you have an adult who is used to getting his or her own way…….the results can get pretty ugly. You would most likely benefit from taking a hard look at your potential dreamboat. Take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good, hard look at your potential Mr. or Mrs.
Have you ever dealt with a controlling personality? I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please use my name in your reply, since my website has been getting a lot of spam these days and I would like to respond to you, if you are not a robot.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes folks who are widowed, divorced, or otherwise suddenly single ask me if they should get some additional schooling. It depends on the field you are in or are considering going into. There are some issues to think about:
Will you ever make back the money you are investing into additional education? Be sure to check out the job market ahead of time. What are trends saying about the field you are thinking about? When I started my Ph.D. program, full time faculty positions were competitive but available. Five years later when I graduated, many schools were only hiring adjuncts, which meant low income and few benefits. Will I ever recoup my investment? Yes, but it is taking longer than I thought.
What is your reason for returning to school? For me, it had been my lifelong dream to complete my college education, so it was definitely worth it for the self-esteem boost it provided. If you dread the thought of doing homework, don’t want to invest the money and time, or have some other negative reason for not doing it, then don’t. One lady who was in a Saturday morning class I taught told me that she thought that, by taking a Saturday three-hour class, there wouldn’t be any homework. I told her “Welcome to college. We have homework.” Are you willing to commit to studying two hours for every one hour of class? That is pretty much what it will take to be successful.
What will you do if you don’t return to school? Will you be forced to take a minimum wage job (or two or three) just to support yourself and your family? Then the investment would be worthwhile. After all, you may be old now but four or five years from now you will be four or five years older and you will either have that degree or you won’t. It’s your call.
I would love to hear from you. If you have any questions or topics you would like me to address, just ask. When making a comment, please use my name so that I will know you are not a robot. I get a lot of spam and delete it. I don’t want to delete you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
While you might have been the recipient of notes of condolence or comfort, let’s take a few minutes and talk about how to write them. You have the experience of being on the receiving end; now let’s see you start to send some yourself.
First, I suggest that you not use those pre-written cards that cost an arm and a leg at the grocery store. Why? Because they are impersonal and might not reflect either your thoughts or the other person’s need. Additionally, you may be on a tight budget now that your spouse is gone, so why pay $5 or $6 for something that doesn’t fit the exact situation when you are so much better at expressing yourself than you think?
Instead, go to the store and buy a box of blank cards. They can be purchased at many grocery stores and are usually about $7-$8 for 20 blank cards that have a pretty picture on them. They can be used for a variety of reasons, from congratulations, to notes to the ill, to cards of condolence. It is the thoughts that you are expressing that are the important thing; your card will offer strength and comfort.
Your message need not be long- 3 to 5 sentences can express your concern and care for the other person. The good thing about the fact that you are writing, rather than calling or emailing, is that the receiver can reread your card as many times as he or she wants, the person did not need to log in on a computer to read it, and you did not interrupt that person with a phone call.
What do you say? Well, let’s fit it to the situation. [Please note that I am going to write that I am praying for the person because I am a member of the Christian faith. If you are not, then you could write that you are thinking of the person or hoping the individual gets well.]
Here goes: Let’s start with someone who is ill. Perhaps you would like to say something like:
Dear John:
It was quite a shock to hear about your recent surgery for pancreatic cancer. My heart goes out to you, since you are such an active person. I pray that the operation went smoothly and for your strong recovery. You and Mary are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Sue
[Note: You are not trying to show that you had a surgery that was so much worse or that you had an illness that was ten times what he experienced. Nope, this is totally about John and his situation. Keep that in mind as you write.]
——————————————————————–
What if the person just lost his or her spouse due to divorce? Let’s try something like this:
Dear Susie:
It saddened me to hear that you and Mark have gotten divorced. Marriage can be difficult and its end can be devastating. I pray for you and the kids daily. If you would like to talk, I am here for you.
Hugs,
Jane
[Note: This is not the time to tell Susie that her hubby was a creep and that you never liked him. She was in love with him at one time; this is not the right time to tell her she has bad taste in men. Trust me, she knows it!]
What if the person’s spouse just died? Let’s go with:
Dear Al:
Sunday mornings were always special to me because I knew that Alice and I would meet up in the ladies’s room at church. Her radiant smile of greeting always warmed my heart. It was so wonderful to see the two of you together because you were so much in love, even after almost 70 years of marriage. It is those moments that I will miss the most as I think of your lovely bride. You and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this next stage of life.
Love,
Matilda
[Note: This is the time to mention what you loved the most about the missing spouse. Share some special memory in a positive light. BTW, Alice had only two teeth in her mouth (and they were crooked) but she still radiated love. ]
I hope this blog gives you some ideas for cards you can write. Handwritten notes express your thoughts so beautifully- you can do this! I would love to hear from you. Perhaps there is a special note you received that really touched your heart. When you write back, please use my name, so that it will be obvious that you aren’t spam. I look forward to hearing from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
So, your spouse is gone….he or she is not coming back. Leaving his or her toothbrush on the bathroom counter might be comforting but what will happen if someone you are thinking about dating sees it? It screams “I am not ready for a relationship yet!!!!”
A man I once knew lost his wife when she was only 49. He ended up remarrying….her best friend. After the new wife moved into the family home, she found that her new decorating ideas were not accepted very well. In fact, every time she went to change anything, he told her, “But Annie liked it that way.” After learning that she did not dress as well as Annie, did not cook as well as Annie, and was not (in the long run) as interesting as Annie, she got the message and moved out. They were later divorced.
If you are considering moving on, please make sure that you are ready by getting rid of your wife’s (or husband’s) toiletries. Toiletries only last so long and then you really need to say “so long” to the toiletries. Finding a bottle of congealed formerly-liquid foundation is not at the top of anyone’s decorating list. Used eye liner gets really nasty looking after a few months and a hairy hairbrush is rather morbid, don’t you think?
If you remember that episode of House, M.D. where Wilson finally washes the mug Amber used, you will have the right idea here. I would love to hear your stories about moving on. Please share them with me- who knows, they might end up in my next book! When you comment, please use my name in your posting so that I won’t think you are spam!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
How do you cope with unexpected visitors in your house? I have a story to tell you about an unwanted house guest: a bat.
It was in the middle of the night (2:30 am) on a Monday when a bat landed on our bed, right between my new husband and me. It took off when we reacted to its presence, heading for my son’s bedroom. My hubby scared it out of my little boy’s room, and it immediately took a turn into our only bathroom.
It landed on a box of tissues; my hubby threw a towel over the box and told me to open the window and punch out the screen. I did as he requested and soon the towel-draped tissue box (complete with the bat) was sailing through the open window. As the bat landed outside, we closed the window behind it.
If you wish to avoid nocturnal visits from critters, make sure that any holes your house has to the outside world are plugged. We went over that old house with a fine-tooth comb, making sure it was sealed against any future invasions!
Do you have any similar stories? I would love to hear from you! Please use my name in your reply, so that I know you aren’t spam (I’ve been getting a lot of that lately!).
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever had the handle of your toilet pop up and take on a life of its own? You know how that looks- the handle is all caddywampus and looks as if it will leap up on top of the toilet tank any moment. What do you do? Here is the fairly quite remedy of how to fix it:
Do not scream at it; the handle has merely become loose. Pick up the lid of the toilet tank, and set is aside. Hold onto the recalcitrant handle with your left hand while reaching into the toilet tank with your right. There is a white plastic ring just inside the tank, attached to the handle. You need to get that tightened down so that the handle is once again flush (no pun intended) against the tank.
Normally, we say “righty-tighty, lefty-loosy” but that might not be the case here. Tighten the white plastic ring so that the handle is drawn back against the toilet tank snugly, no matter which direction you need to turn the ring on your particular toilet. Once the handle is no longer sagging, you have fixed the problem and are ready to return the tank lid to its rightful place.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A very good friend of mine shared some traveling tips and I wanted to pass them along to you, in case you want to go on an unexpectedly-unmarried-now trip. She has a friend in the military who told her about these ideas.
When packing clothing such as dress shirts and pants, put the pants in the bottom of the suitcase, with the legs sticking out the ends (you are draping your pants out the top of the suitcase, down along the bottom, and then up and out the bottom of the suitcase). Fold your dress shirts in half long ways and then drape them in the suitcase, as well. Add your flattened undergarments on top of the clothes which are laying neatly inside the bottom. Then alternate, folding the parts of the clothes sticking out the top and bottom back across the clothes that are along the bottom of the case. This will result in no wrinkles when you arrive at your destination. Remove the clothing and hang it up right away.
If you are carrying knit clothing, fold it longways and then roll it up. You should find that it usually does not wrinkle, but if it does, hang it up and the wrinkles should fall out.
I hope you have a good journey. For some airport traveling tips, please see my other blogs.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
This is a tough topic but I wanted to share some thoughts about remarrying. It may seem like I am against it, but really I just want to you take things slowly before you jump into something you will regret later.
Take your time getting to know the new person in your life. Have you ever seen this person get mad? How does he or she handle anger? Does this person react by blowing up? Does he or she swear when angry? Is this person a screamer? Does he or she seem almost proud that this (blowing up, swearing, screaming) is the way that his or her parents handled arguments? Does this person mistreat your children? Could you live with these reactions for the next 30 years? One of my friends was divorced when his kids were small and he thought he had found the perfect step-mother for them. One day she was visiting at his house and got mad at the children. She started screaming and slapped one of them on the face. That was the end of that relationship; he never yelled at his children (he spoke to them calmly as needed) and he did not believe in slapping anyone. She apparently did, so she was out of the picture pronto.
Next, what kind of family does this person come from? If possible, watch how this person treats family members, especially those members who are the same sex as you are. If he or she maltreats that individual, eventually he or she will do the same thing to you. Watch out for the person’s siblings. Does he or she have a sibling or two who is absolutely charming to someone’s face, only to cut that person down or mock them when that person is nowhere in sight? That is standard operating procedure in that family. When you aren’t around, chances are good that they will have a few things to say about you.
Does this person show respect for his or her parents? How does this person handle disappointment? Does this person blame others for his or her failures in life? Does this person accept responsibility for his or her own actions? I realize that this might sound mean spirited to examine a person’s family to determine if you wish to continue your relationship with that individual, but someone’s family has a huge influence on his or her life. Having a “funny uncle” might not make a lot of difference to you, but what if you have young children?
Does this individual come from a dysfunctional family? If so, this may be the only example of family life he or she knows. While it is possible that the person has worked very hard to not be like Mom or Dad, when the chips are down, individuals have the tendency to revert to the type of behavior they have seen modeled as a child. Folks, “what’s down in the well comes up in the bucket,” as the old saying says. Could you live with that? Would you want to? What does your potential partner think about his or her mother or father? Does he or she have Mommy or Daddy issues? Do you want to take those issues on? Did his or her opposite-sex parent die when he or she was young? That person might end up blaming you for the fact that his parent died. Check carefully before proceeding here.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog deals with something we often overlook because it is overhead and we rarely think about it. That topic? Your roof.
Your roof is probably something you never think about, unless it is leaking. Angie’s list says that, if your roof is more than 20 years old, you probably need to replace it.
How old is your roof? When did you move into the house? Did you as a couple ever talk about replacing it? Look through any receipts you have for the house. You may find one that tells you when the roof was last replaced. Do you keep a calendar of home repairs? You might find the information there.
Next, look at the overall condition of the roof. Do you see any shingles that are curled or missing? Can you see daylight through your ceiling? You need to get the roof checked out. The problem here is in knowing who to call. In a perfect world, husbands would leave their wives a list of electricians, plumbers, carpenters, house painters, roof repairmen, and the like, but the world (as you may have noticed) is far from perfect.
If it is too late to ask your hubby about home repair, find a trusted friend who knows something about home repair or a real estate agent who does foreclosure work and ask him or her for the name of someone to call. Do not ask your friend to do the work. Please understand that your friend may be very well-meaning, but an incompetent friend who takes on the job himself is almost worse than a poor contractor. You can fire a poor contractor but how do you fire a friend? My point exactly.
I hope you have good luck with replacing your roof, if it needs it. If you have already replaced a roof, how did you find the best person for the job? Do you have any horror stories you would like to share about your roof-replacing experience? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri