: Widows & Widowers

Throw Rugs Can Throw You

Hello everyone:

I was with an elderly gentleman this week and noticed that the throw rugs he had scattered around his home were getting stuck on his walker. He pushed his way through, but I wondered what these rubber-backed rugs would do if he had not been able to dislodge them from his walker and make them lay flat.

The answer? They could land him on his backside. Talking to an older fellow at dinner last night, he shared how throw rugs could really, well, throw you if you weren’t very careful. He recommended throwing out the throw rugs of an elderly person, saying that they could be a tripping hazard.

A dear friend of mine has tile throughout her home and had used throw rugs to prevent leg pain. That worked fine, until her elderly mother came to live with them and started stumbling her way around. Her shoes got stuck on the rugs and threw her for a loop.

So, from my research here, it seems that the best thing to do with an elderly individual’s throw rug is to pitch them out. What is your experience with this? Do you know a way around this?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Traveling with small children made easier

Hello everyone:

One of the most difficult or most fun things is to travel as a single parent with a small child. I have a friend who travels with her little kids on a regular basis and they seem to do just fine. Other parents do not face the same pleasant journey, so I wanted to share some tips that I have used through the years. I would love to hear your ideas as well, so please do write back.

When one of my sons had to spend a lot of time in the stroller for whatever reason, I gave him toys that he only got while being well-behaved in that stroller. Kids today have their own iPads to look at, but this was in the olden days where kids looked at books, played with toys,  or viewed the scenery while they were in their strollers.

If the young fellow started acting up, the toy  (or whatever) was taken away. Now it is important to understand that little kids need to stretch their legs periodically, but this toy-take-away happened when they were only in the stroller for a few minutes. Sometimes Mommy had to get from Point A to Point B quickly and the stroller was the only way to accomplish this.

When we traveled on a plane, I made a point of bringing along never-seen-before toys and sitting towards the back of the plane. The toys would entertain for a little while, as I was waiting for the sound of the engine and movement of the plane to gently lull my son to sleep. He got a nap and so did I. We awoke refreshed and ready for action when we landed. [Also, sitting in the back of the plane meant we had twice the number of bathrooms nearby and could get to them easily.]

When we went somewhere by car, I brought a goodie bag of toys that hadn’t been seen recently and doled them out as needed. If the kids were misbehaving, they did not get rewarded with a toy, however. We also took periodic stops for bathrooms, snacks, and to get the wiggles out.

I hope this makes your traveling more pleasant. What ideas have you come up with as you hit the roads or the skies on a trip with a toddler?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Clapping with a broken finger

Hello everyone:

Back a few years ago, I was a representative of a now-defunct home party plan decorating company. We were at a major yearly conference when I noticed that my manager spent hours during the conference on her feet, clapping to the up-tempo music that was being played while we waited for the morning, afternoon, and evening sessions to begin.

Towards the end of the four-day conference, she sunk down in her seat, exhausted. I asked her why she had been standing up so long, when she was clearly worn out. She told me, “Oh, all managers are required to get into the meeting room early and remain standing, clapping to the music until the meetings begin.” To make it even worse, she had broken one of her fingers right before the conference began and clapping really made her hands hurt. She was not only tired, but she was in terrible pain.

My manager looked stunning, as she always did, in her bright red suited skirt. A big smile never left her face but, inside, she was tired and in pain. Sometimes people are like that. They may have a cheery bright exterior but inside they are hurting. Maybe you know someone like that- he or she just went through a devastating experience, but, unless you look closely, you will miss the pain that they feel.

What can you do today to encourage someone? Perhaps a card or phone call would be just the thing to uplift them. You never know when someone might be clapping with a broken finger.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Making decisions on your own

Hello everyone:

As a newly-single person, how do you make decisions on your own? Maybe you had a warm and caring relationship with your spouse and you always discussed things and made joint decisions. Maybe you had a second-guessing spouse who always made you feel like your decisions were poor and your judgment was faulty (hey, you choose him or her, so why is that person second-guessing your decision-making ability? It doesn’t reflect well on your former spouse, now does it?).

Whatever the case, you are faced with a situation and must make a decision. Where do you turn? That depends on what type of judgment call you need to make.

If it is financial (and big!), turn to your financial consultant (if you have read my book’s first chapter, you know who I am talking about).

If it is spiritual, pray and read the Bible. If is is BIG and spiritual, ask someone in your church whose opinion you respect  about this issue (after you pray and read the Bible).

If it is about child-rearing, pray, read the Bible, pray some more, and ask Focus on the Family.

If is is about what to have for dinner, just decide! (This is not rocket science!)

If it is about which movie to see, check the reviews given by World Magazine, and then flip a coin if you still don’t know which show to watch.

If it is about what color to paint your living room, ask someone whose decorating you admire.

If it is about what clothes to wear, check out my chapter on using a Personal Shopper (oh, wait a minute- that’s in my as-yet unpublished first book! Actually, it’s in my second book as well because a good idea is a good idea!).

Whatever your decision-making needs, it is important to make a decision and then stand by it. Adjust it as need be, but believe in your ability to see things through!

What decisions have you needed to make since you lost your spouse? How did you first manage this daunting task?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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The Danger In Falling For An Elderly Person

Hello everyone:

When I was visiting my dad recently, we noticed that a storm was moving into the area as he and I returned from lunch . We tried to get him back to his condo before it hit. We felt a sense of snug happiness when we got him home before the first raindrops fell. I dropped him off, expecting him to get on the elevator to his floor, where he would walk down the exposed-to-the-elements hallway and enter his unit.

Well, the first part of that plan went just fine, but the second part, not so much. He got off of the elevator on the right floor and headed towards his doorway. Just as he opened the screen door, the wind whipped the door out of his hand, the door hit him in the shin, and this action left a 6 inch gaping hole in his leg as it knocked him to the ground. He laid there on the ground for 30 minutes in a now-torrential rainstorm, getting soaking wet and crying out for help.

I was on my way back to my condo and was completely obvious to the disaster that had befallen him. About 45 minutes after I dropped him off, he called and told me about his fall. A neighbor had finally heard and responded to his cries and had helped him into his unit. Once inside, Dad had changed his clothes. His leg was bleeding but at least he was safe.

I called my brother to meet me at Dad’s place; we both dropped everything and went to check on him. Long story short, we patched him up and took him to the doctor. Later that week, he developed an infection in the leg and is now on antibiotics.

Here’s the point of this story: elderly people need some type of emergency contact button to carry with them, and be careful when elderly people get a cut. Dad had a phone in his pocket but he couldn’t reach it because of the way that he landed. His leg appeared to have a minor wound but he wasn’t able to take proper care of it and it became infected in just a few days.

What ideas do you have to share on this topic?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Encouragement through rocks

Hi Everyone:

It is my understanding that folks in Florida have a new craze- painting rocks and leaving them for others to find.

While this might not sound very exciting, a dear friend of mine told me about a friend of hers who recently had to go to the hospital because an elderly relative’s life support was being turned off. She was feeling very blue when she suddenly spotted a small rock next to the sidewalk. It was painted with a cute little smiley face.

Something as seemingly-silly as a painted rock somehow lifted her spirits. The gal was able to carry on and say “goodbye” to her family member. Usually, it is the custom to re-plant the rock you find so that someone else can find it someplace else. This gal was so affected by the rock that she said she doesn’t plan on giving it away.

Because she will keep the rock, my friend decided to have a rock-painting craft day at her house, painting (and planting) more rocks for others to find. She and her mother and granddaughter spent an afternoon painting, hoping that their efforts will help brighten someone’s day.

What ideas do you have for encouraging others? Let’s start a movement of encouragement to total strangers, like some of the folks in Florida have done!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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The importance of having something to look forward to

Hello everyone:

One way to keep your spirits up during a difficult time is to have something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be anything as dramatic as a weeks-long trip; it can be as simple as a window shopping trip or a movie with a friend.

What kind of low-budget-high-fun-level activities can you think of? Maybe going to the latest movie with a close friend is your kind of excitement. Perhaps you prefer going to craft stores or going on nature walks or chatting with a friend over a cup of coffee. It doesn’t have to be expensive to know that, at some time in the near future, you are going to have something to do that takes you away from your business-as-usual life.

You don’t even have to be experiencing a difficult time to enjoy this type of thing. Maybe you are so busy working and taking care of others that you have neglected your own mental health. What would you like to do that gets you out of your present rut that would make your eyes light up?

Are you a practical joker or do you just enjoy talking about a what-if-I-were-into-that-type-of-thing? What kind of non-harmful prank would you pull if no one ever found out that you had done it? Sometimes it is fun just to talk about it.

Seriously, what kind of out-of-the-ordinary idea can you come up with?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Loneliness: It’s not for the faint of heart

Hello everyone:

A unexpectedly unmarried friend of mine told me when she feels the loneliest. It is not when she is by herself at a sporting event for her son or even at a graduation when he moves on to his next level at school. Nope, her time of feeling the most alone (and somewhat jealous) is when she sees happily married elderly couples sitting at the mall, drinking coffee together.

The mall has a variety of folks, but the ones that make her feel the most isolated are those old folks who have been married since dirt was created and who still find joy in each other’s presence. She watches their shared smiles, their joyous laughter, their private jokes, and their obvious love and devotion and she feels alone in the world. She has a large circle of friends who adore her, a job that she excels in, and a loving family who cherishes her,  but she is still one of the no-longer-marrieds.

What does one do in these circumstances? She tries not to look at them too much, without seeming rude. She glances at the folks who stop by to visit with them, the other “tragically unmarried,” to quote a Doc Martin character. How do you handle this isolation? I would love to hear your tips for avoiding those “all alone” and “totally isolated” feelings. Please do share your thoughts; perhaps we can help alleviate some of that accompanying pain by sharing ideas with one another.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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News about a new book

Hello everyone:

In today’s blog, I wanted to share some news about an upcoming project: Suddenly Single for Military Couples (I do not have a subtitle yet).  This is the third book in my Suddenly Single series and I hope you can be a part of it.

I am looking for the family members of veterans, or veterans themselves, who would be willing to be interviewed. The idea here is to share with our readers the what-I-know-now-that-I-wish-I’d-known-then approach to either being deployed or coming back from deployment a changed person as the result of being harmed or killed. (Okay, that sounded a bit strange. Obviously, I don’t want to talk with dead people. What I meant is that I would like to talk with the family that the service person left behind.)

It is my goal to have a book that is by (as a result of the interviews I do) and for military people. I will not identify individual service members or their families in this book,  to protect their privacy. If given permission to do so, I will list the families in my acknowledgment section. I am the daughter of a World War 2 Navy veteran, the ex-wife of a U.S. Air Force veteran, the mother of a 100% disabled Army veteran, and the sister-in-law of a Coast Guard veteran.  My heart is with our service people; the royalties from this endeavor will go to benefit charities that support them. [Fisher House is the charity that I am leaning towards, since they provide free housing to military families whose parent/spouse is in the hospital.]

If you know someone who would be willing to chat with me, or if you are a veteran who would like to be a part of this book, please comment in the comment section of this blog. I will be in touch. Thanks ever so much!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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How do you eat healthy?

Hello everyone:

Today’s blog is about how to eat healthy if you are alone. Sometimes it seems like too much effort to eat food that’s good for you, especially when the fast food companies are filling the airwaves with delicious-looking-but-horrible-for-you dinners each evening.

You are just sitting there, alone, watching Jeopardy! when the ads come on and show you the most delectable food imaginable. How do you combat that? Maybe you don’t know how to cook because your dearly beloved but now departed spouse always did the cooking. How do you avoid the minefields of high calorie, low nutritionally valued food?

Have you checked out the hospital cafeteria? My dad lives near his local hospital. They have an excellent cafeteria, where the food is nutritional and amazingly inexpensive. He eats there several times a week, getting well-balanced lunches and dinners that cost him less than $5. The folks have gotten to know Dad quite well, as they also know the other widowers who visit them on a daily basis.

One of the men, when I asked him why he doesn’t learn how to cook, told me “I couldn’t make these meals for what they cost me here and I enjoy meeting other widowers for lunch and dinner.” He used the time as an opportunity for fellowship as well as a means of feeding him food that is good for his body. I realize that not all hospitals have good food, but start there.

The next place to look for healthy food is your local upscale food store. Some of them offer frozen or fresh meals that are nutritionally well-balanced. Be aware that these stores are not for the financially faint of heart! They will cost you some cash but at least you didn’t have to make the meal yourself.

Finally, learn to cook. Take classes at your community college or local kitchenware retail store. Read books on balanced nutrition and use your cooking classes to teach you how to make the dishes you read about. [Note: You might also meet Mrs. or Mr. Right at these classes!] Another option, if you live in a metropolitan area, would be to find a company that prepares healthy food and delivers it to your door.   I wish you well on your quest to locate food that is good for you and tastes good.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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