: Divorcees

Finding an attorney for your divorce

Hello everyone:

Here are some ideas from my book Suddenly Single:

Women whose husbands have found greener pastures also need to be savvy with financial matters. An ex-husband-to-be can frequently hide assets so that his new nest can be well-feathered. Beware of the hubby who drops hints that he is building a nest egg, especially if it seems that someone else will be sitting on the eggs. Keep your ears and eyes open; state laws can help you with some of these assets but you need a good lawyer to help get you your share (yes, I know that some people consider “good” and “lawyer” to be mutually exclusive words, but I mean you need to find someone who will help uncover those hidden pots of gold and get you the money your years with an adulterous spouse deserve). Does he suddenly receive financial statements from accounts with institutions you know nothing about?  That could very well be a hidden asset, sister!

To find the lawyer who would be the most helpful in getting your share of the family assets, you do not necessarily need someone who will “kick butt” in the court room; you need someone who knows the laws in your state. While it might feel good to find a lawyer who will make your ex squirm, an attorney who really knows his or her stuff is actually more of an asset. If it makes you feel any better, just be aware that, as Erma Brombeck always said, the grass is always greener over the septic tank. I would add: and you know what that is full of.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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How do you pay for it all?

Hello everyone:

Today’s blog asks the question: how do you pay for it all? A friend of mine recently found herself in an awkward situation:

She’s divorced, her ex does not pay any child support, her mother was ill and elderly, she is nearing retirement age herself, and her son is preparing to enter high school and is discussing colleges he might like to attend. So, how is she to pay for all of her son’s expenses, a nursing home for her demented mother, prepare for her own retirement, and pay for at least four years of college?

As it turned out, her mother died unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago and she found out that her son is doing so well in middle school that he will be taking all honors classes in high school. This will increase the likelihood that he will be able to get a scholarship, especially since he is also gifted at sailing and one of the colleges he is considering offers sailing scholarships. She may need to keep working longer than she originally thought but she is making plans for her future financial security.

What things have you been doing as a newly-single person to shore up your elderly years? If you haven’t given it much thought, you should.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Loving enough to grieve

Hello everyone:

This might seem like a downer of a blog for today, but how much did you love your spouse? Are you one of those folks who somehow believe that your spouse was a mere placeholder for the woman (or man) of your dreams? If so, then your time of grief might be considerably less than someone else’s season of mourning. Are you a fellow who says he will re-marry “immediately” if your wife dies? Does she know you feel that way?

A friend of mine lost his wife last year and an old flame has come into his life. He is very excited about this new relationship, but his family is less enthusiastic about his new woman. Another man I know says that, when his wife dies (she isn’t even sick!), he will clap his hands together and say, “Next!” A gal who took care of her ailing hubby for ten years told me recently that “no one will ever replace Bob. I miss him every day, even though I had to do everything for him in the end.” Some friends of mine have a brother-in-law who started dating (officially, anyway) two weeks after his wife died of breast cancer. When that relationship soured,  he moved his new and younger  love into the family home six months after his wife passed. When that woman went her own way, he took up with an even younger woman; his three teens are struggling with getting to know their father’s third girlfriend in two years.

How do you feel about this? What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to mourn the death of someone or the end of a relationship? I would love to get your insight into this.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Worms as a good foundation

Hello everyone:

What in the world do worms have to do with a foundation or with you? My sister-in-law is a gardener and she says that worms are essential for having good soil and, therefore, a good garden.

Much like a garden, our relationships need to have a good foundation. If you have just met someone, it is easy to think that they hung the moon, especially if you are a new widow or widower or a new divorcee. Sadly, there can be such a hurry to not be lonely anymore that we miss out on the foundation of that relationship, or the worms, if you will.

What are some worms? Having a spiritual foundation is vital, so that we are not unequally joked, but it is also important to make sure that we are not so eager to be in a relationship that we overlook who that person really is. How well do we know someone? One of my friends actually bought a house with her boyfriend, only to find out later that he wasn’t the person she thought he was. He turned out to have an anger problem, in addition to being rather unpleasant in general. She hadn’t focused on the worms in her haste to be involved with someone quickly.

What worms do you recommend that someone has before launching into a relationship?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Rushing in where angels fear to tread

Hello everyone:

Have you known someone who seemed to hurry too fast into his or her next relationship? I know a man who, when he got divorced, remarried the same day his divorce was final. The new marriage failed, but he remarried very quickly. It seemed as if he was in too big a hurry to get remarried to take the time to get to know his potential spouse.

Another friend-of-a-friend was widowed, remarried an old girlfriend a few months later, and came to regret the fact that he really did not know the old girlfriend as well as he thought. Apparently, anyone can fool you into thinking they are someone they are not for at least a short period of time.

One of my divorced business friends met a guy in a bar and married him three weeks later. He swept her off her feet, and eventually swept away with a lot of her money.

This is not to say that fast marriages don’t work. One of the couples I know from church married 13 days after they met and have been happily married for 64 + years. My own parents met on a blind date, got engaged three days later, married seven months later, and were happy together for 67 1/2 years (my mother died).

What do you think of marrying quickly? Has it worked out for you? What advice would you give someone who is considering “rushing in where angels fear to tread?” I would love to hear your thoughts.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Special needs kids and divorcees

Hello everyone:

I have a new friend who was divorced several years ago. She has two children who she for whom she bears total responsibility. One of the children is autistic, having just gotten that diagnosis about the same time as her hubby departed. She gave me some advice for others who find themselves in that situation and I wanted to pass it along to you.

The first comment that she made was “Be your child’s advocate.” You know your child and what he or she is going through better than any of the professionals who meet with the child, so know your rights as a parent and stand up for your child.

Next, she told me that, while you may want to have your child tested privately, keep in mind that the school may not accept the test results and may want to do some tests of their own. While this is legal, it is not legal (at least in Maryland) for the state to run the exact same tests as your private doctor did.

She also mentioned “burnout” and “exhaustion” as too reasons why parents may give up too soon. You will grow weary as you deal with state bureaucrats but hang in there, Mom or Dad.

Make sure you have documentation for everything! You will need to prove and re-prove many issues and it is important that you keep written proof of whatever claims you are making.

Next, take someone with you when you go to talk to the teacher, the principal, or the Board of Education. You will not remember everything that is said, so it is nice to have an extra set of ears with you.

Finally, if your public school system cannot give your child the help that he or she needs, they are required to pay for your child to get a private school education, if it is determined that a private school can help.

Have you run into any issues with your own special-needs children? I would love to hear from you, with the possibility of including your comments in my next book!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Moving with little ones

Hello everyone:

Have you ever moved with little kids? Let me tell you my pre-divorce moving story.

My son was 2 1/2 when his father moved out and moved on with his life. When my son was almost four, I decided to buy a condo and move out of the apartment I had been renting. I was packing for the upcoming move when he said to me, “But Mommy, if you move, who will live with me?”

It about broke my heart- I hadn’t realized that he didn’t understand that he was coming along as well. I took him in my arms and explained about the new bedroom that he would have in our new home, and asked for his help in packing up his toys. I had originally planned to hire a sitter for the moving day, but, with his insecurity, I cancelled the sitter and put him “in charge” of moving his toys. He could not have behaved better! As a result of his involvement, there were no problems with his adjustment to the new residence.

It is so vital that we  communicate with our kids, no matter their age. What moving stories do you have? I would love to hear how you handled this type of change in your life.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Moving into a new home that has a HOA

Hello everyone:

Are you thinking about buying a new home, perhaps in Florida? The property you have picked out  looks like a lovely place and has all the amenities you could hope for but, wait, it also has a HOA. If you have never dealt with a Home Owners’ Association, you need to be aware of a couple of things.

You will need permission from the HOA to do almost anything on the outside of your house. If you want to paint, the color will have to be approved. If you need a tree cut down, you will need to get a green light from the HOA. If you have work done, you will have to do it within the time frame that the HOA documents state.  That is actually good news, since it prevents your neighbors from painting their house purple with orange spots, keeps them from cutting down a historic tree, and stops them from taking five years to re-side the house.

Now for the bad news: when I worked for a builder in South Jersey, the HOA monthly fee was a pretty reasonable $25 a month. But that was because the builder supplemented the HOA fee of every homeowner. As soon as the builder moved out and moved on, the HOA fee was going to double or possibly triple. While $25 times whatever does not seem like much, what if the monthly fee had been several hundred dollars?

Before you buy that perfect new home, check into the track record of HOA fees for the property and the builder. What is the actual expected monthly fee? Can you afford it? Do you want to pay that much? It might be better to purchase a slightly-older home with few or no amenities, rather than pay an exorbitant monthly fee for as long as you own the house. Do you really need a shuffleboard court? Will you ever use the tennis courts? Do you even LIKE saunas?

Let’s do the math here- get a new house in a brand new subdivision, pay $1000 a month (or more) forever to have a pool that the HOA owns and everyone in the area uses, or buy an older house and get a pool installed that you will own, once you pay for it.  Food for thought.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Trying to get service when your spouse was the one on the account

Hello everyone:

Yesterday, my Internet service failed. When calling the wonderful folks at BHN, I was connected with a young man who was blessed with horrid diction, a soft-spoken manner, and a rapid-fire delivery. Things went downhill from there.

After a few minutes of attempting to interpret what he was saying, I came to realize that he was asking for my husband’s security questions or the last four digits of my hubby’s driver’s license. I had neither. The thing is, I do not sign on the account, and the service man assumed the worst in my request to get Internet service restored to the condo. I do not know what he thought I planned on doing, but apparently it wasn’t good.

Things continued to deteriorate as he basically inferred that I was the source of the problem. Somehow, I had managed to interrupt my own Internet service……but it was unclear what I had done to cause this.  After about 15 minutes of increasing frustration, I hung up. Immediately, I got a call from BHN, asking me to answer a brief survey. Oh, did I have things to tell them!

After answering their questions and re-living my frustration over the experience, I (still Internet-less) called them back. This time, I was connected with a fantastic fellow named Stan whose greatest desire was to return my Internet service. He wanted no driver’s license number or security questions; he merely wanted to serve my Internet needs. Bless his heart! We were up and running in less than 5 minutes.

Have you ever faced a similar problem? I would love to hear about your experiences.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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What determines beauty?

Hello everyone:

What do you think makes someone beautiful? Is it the inner glow or a well-turned makeup and hair job? Do you think it is the combination of these internal and external things? Sometimes when women are divorced, with hubbies who left them for someone younger or prettier, they feel badly about themselves.  I hope this blog will make you feel better as we talk about what happened to me a short time ago.

Recently, I attended a conference where a friend of mine was going to give a presentation. Someone else had the room right before she did, so we entered and sat in the back, waiting for her turn. As it happened, the previous speaker was a radical feminist who was sharing her view of the world.

When the workshop was over, my friend and I headed for the front of the room, to get things ready for her presentation. The feminist cornered me and said, “I just want you to know that you don’t need to dye your hair anymore. You can stop curling your hair and you should dump that silly flower. You can stop wearing makeup and you don’t need jewelry or fancy clothes anymore. Wear jeans and T-shirts and be comfortable.”

Before I could respond, she went on her way. Now folks, your author is someone whose theme song as a child was “I Enjoy Being a Girl.” If you have seen my picture on the Suddenly Single website, you should know that I do not go out of the house without my hair done, my makeup on, and my “silly flower” firmly planted in my hair. I wear jewelry, though not to excess, and try to always look my best. Why? Because I feel better about myself when I do it. This is not something I started or stopped based on my marital status, it is simply what I have always done.

What do you think about the feminist’s comments to me? How would you have responded? I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

P.S. Yes, I dye my hair. My former pastor always said, “If the barn needs painting, paint it.” I choose to use brown paint. I also always wear a flower in my hair. Do you know the secret of that? Hot glue or plant early.

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