Hello everyone:
A lovely widow lady who sat next to me on a flight recently told me that her husband, aged 56 when he died, had been ill with cancer for three years. He had always taken care of everything financial. Even when he was diagnosed with cancer, the couple still thought he would respond well to treatment and that he would recover.
She said that they really believed he would be fine and therefore that they never bothered to discuss financial matters, as if that would somehow jinx him and literally make him die. After two years of no improvement, the cancer moved on to his brain, leaving him unable to communicate.
He lingered for another year, but she had to start from scratch trying to figure out what bills to pay, even as he required more and more care as his condition deteriorated. Her advice: talk about these things while you still can. She never expected to be a widow in her mid-fifties, but it happened to her.
So, what’s next for her? She is planning that she will most likely remain single. In understand that, statistically, a woman over 50 who becomes single has a better chance of being struck by lightning than remarrying. That’s the good or bad news, depending on your point of view.
The really good news is that you are young enough to make a difference in how you spend your golden years. Get your financial house in order now, so that you are able to travel, like the gal I spoke of earlier. She was very sad when her hubby died but she’s gotten through it and you will, too.
Do you have a story to share with my readers? I would love to see what you have to say.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
P.S. I’m not a particular fan of cats but I thought this one looked pretty intelligent and wanted to share it with you.
Hello everyone:
You may think that, because you are no longer married, you shouldn’t travel. Hogwash, folks. You can still have a superb time, even if you aren’t accompanied.
Take for example, air flight. I travel frequently, almost always by myself, and I have met some outstanding folks. Last night, I came home from a visit with my dad, only to sit on the plane with two graduate nursing students. They didn’t know each other and I didn’t know them, but by the end of the trip, we were offering encouragement to one another. What fun!
I was able to talk with them about qualifying exams and offer them guidance on preparing for the biggest exam they’ll ever face. My www.practicalmakeperfect.com blog for college student success has five different blog postings on preparing for the examinations.
They chatted about being mature students in a class full of younger women. We talked about setting priorities and the numerous hats we wear as women. What a great time of fellowship!
Perhaps you aren’t going for an advanced degree, so you wouldn’t talk about that type of thing, but you could discuss other things. It turns out, the women I was talking with loved House, M.D. (the topic of my dissertation), so we talked about the various characters. Maybe you are an HGTV fan. Talk about that.
You might face a flight where there’s no one you want to talk to. Fine, always carry an interesting book and you will automatically have something to entertain yourself, should conversation lag.
When you get to your destination, don’t be discouraged. Go do something you would love to do but haven’t. I went to see some million dollar houses one afternoon of my recent trip. They were having an open house, and I love to look at fancy homes. As a result of my doing this, I had a wonderful time seeing a gorgeous home and I met the angel Gabriel, or so he said. That’s a story, in and of itself. Make a comment if you want to hear it.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hi everyone:
You know you’re getting older when you are never called “Miss” anymore. You sense a feeling that age is creeping up on you when you can’t fasten your buttons as easily and it’s not because your clothes are too tight.
When you go to get on the bus at the airport parking garage and they lower the step so you can get on, the sign is there that you aren’t the spring chicken you once thought. Perhaps you went through the TSA security line and they told you that it’s okay to keep your shoes on. (Please note that this is only okay if they think you’re over the hill and most of the way down the other side.)
“But I don’t feel old,” you might whine. Look in the mirror, brother or sister. Does your makeup take more time in the morning, ladies? Do you have to re-apply it several times a day, in order to not frighten small children and animals? Groan. I am there with you, my friends.
Sometimes our age shows in other ways. Take, for example, the television shows we watch. Do you find that the advertisers focus on denture adhesive and constipation remedies? That, dear friends, is a sign of the aging times.
Do you remember when jeans used to be thrown away when they got holes in them? Now they are sold for three times the price and displayed in the store’s window.
Do you go to bed when it’s still light outside? (Okay, if you are in Port Isaac, England, the sun doesn’t go down until 10:30 pm in the summer and it’s up by 5, so that doesn’t count.) Do you have trouble sleeping past five am and wake up but aren’t sure what to do? This is a sign….
Do you go into a room and forget why you’re there? Be still my soul…
What examples can you share?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When the bottle of ketchup or the container of strawberries gets low, you probably know it.
Would you rather run completely out of something, need it desperately, and then have to make an emergency run to the store to buy it? Nope, I didn’t think so.
When you see that the bottle that you have is less than half full, start looking for specials for that product. If something is on sale, don’t buy ten bottles if you live alone, but do stock up.
Note: Things rot and products have expiration dates. Be sure to check the dates on the side of the container. If you think you won’t use it up by then, only buy one, not fifteen. Even if it is a really good deal, if you aren’t going to use it before it expires, then it really is not wise to buy too many of whatever it is.
I went to help clean out a friend’s kitchen when his wife died. It was amazing what I found. There were spices that had expired twenty years ago in his kitchen cabinet, cans of soup that had been officially dead for several years, and ketchup that had fermented (if that is possible). I’m glad he didn’t eat any of those things. He could have gotten seriously ill.
Please throw away anything that’s expired, so you won’t.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let’s face it. There are some days when you just don’t feel like facing the day. The love of your life is no longer around, for whatever reason. The person you married is physically still there, perhaps, but has checked out mentally. Don’t cut yourself off. Stay with it.
Why is this important? I have seen several people who basically disconnected from life when they lost their significant other. With enough years of isolation, they became less than they had been, mentally and physically.
After a devastating loss such as the death or departure of a spouse, it can be difficult to get back into life. If you are a member of a church or synagogue, you may already be surrounded by friends who share your beliefs and values. But what about the individual who does not belong to a place of worship, or who simply wants to grieve alone? It is important that that person get back into the world in his or her own time.
There are numerous interest groups where you can join other like-minded people and keep your mind active. The temptation is to isolate yourself until you are “ready” but you may never feel ready. The groups you might enjoy include but are not limited to stamp clubs, game clubs (like bridge and other card games), book clubs, scrapbooking groups, couponing clubs, surfers, travelers, and Chatty Cathys.
If you live in an area with many senior citizens and you are an older individual, you may find there is a senior citizen center nearby where you could visit and take classes for little or no cost. If there is a class at the local community college on something you always wanted to learn about, you may be able to take the course for the cost of the books, if you are 62 years or older.
Jump back in, don’t cover your head and hope the world will go away. It might not be easy, at first, but it is the best thing for your future.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Cooking can be fun or a fretful activity. For those not used to having to go it alone, I have blogged today about some very basic cooking tips. I hope you find them helpful.
There is a difference between a tablespoon and a teaspoon and a half a cup and a third of a cup. It really does matter which measuring spoon and measuring cup you use. The measurements are usually etched into the measuring spoons and cups, but you may need your reading glasses to see them. Don’t be lazy here, my friend, go get your glasses!
Also, be careful not to mix up sugar and salt. There is a difference between the two. One tastes good in pies and the other will gag you. (Don’t ask!) Okay, you can ask. My hubby went over to a men’s ministry meeting at a friend’s house some years back. One of the daughters had worked all afternoon to make them a strawberry pie. It looked luscious. The men couldn’t wait to dig in. And then one of them did. Aughhhhh……He spat the pie out immediately and ran to the sink to wash out his mouth. Yes, Dear Daughter had mixed up salt and sugar. The deer in the neighborhood had a treat. The men did not.
Finally, there is a difference between ketchup and tomato sauce. One is great on hamburgers and the other….not so much. Do not refill your ketchup bottle with tomato sauce – or, worse yet, tomato paste! You and your guests will notice. I promise. Quick story: I was working at a hotel and my then-hubby went to the hotel’s restaurant to get us some lunch. He brought back some burgers and a bottle of ketchup. I poured a liberal amount on my burger and fries, only to discover it was tomato paste. The new restaurant manager was very wet behind the ears and he didn’t realize there was a difference between the two- he was focused on saving money by refilling bottles. His idea didn’t work out so well. I did get a new lunch out of the deal, however.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hi everyone:
It’s that time of year, almost, when those of us who live in the north are gearing up to rake leaves. When I lived in Connecticut, with seventeen trees in my front yard alone, that was a pretty daunting task. It would literally rain down leaves. I could rake for four hours or more, go inside, look out the window, and be unable to see anything that I had accomplished.
Let’s get you ready, as a new divorcee or widow, to get your leaves taken care of. (If you leave them on the ground, they’ll destroy your lawn, so they do need to be picked up.)
First, find out what you should do with the leaves. Will the town pick them up if you rake them to the roadside? Are you expected to bag them up? Is there a limit to how many bags you can fill at a time? Call your City Hall to find out this information or ask a reliable neighbor.
Next, make sure you have a good pair of garden gloves. Do not buy these on the cheap. Cheap gloves make your hands sore and if your yard is big, you will end up with blisters that burst and bleed. It hurts and it looks horrid. This is the voice of experience- do not doubt me.
Next, wear comfortable clothing. You are not trying to pick up a husband while you’re doing this (that would be my guess, anyway). You know the song “Blest be the Tie that Binds?” Not in this case. Loose clothing that comfortably covers you is good. You are not going for “sexy mama” here.
Take water or some form of non-alcoholic liquid outside with you. Drink it frequently. Passing out due to dehydration should not be your goal.
Make sure you have a good rake- a plastic or flimsy one will break or be very ineffective at moving the leaves. You don’t need that frustration.
Finally, think positively. Remember what is was like to jump in the leaves that your parents had raked up? Aren’t the leaves lovely this time of year? Have fun and enjoy doing this wonderful once-a-year activity that reminds you Christmas is on its way.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I thought this picture was absolutely stunning. But what is it? Is the day dawning or fading? It all depends on your point of view and how you see things.
The photographer of this shot calls it “Lightning at Sunset,” so we see where he’s coming from. I mean, he was there and was the one who caught this breathtaking shot. He knows what was happening.
It’s kind of like that with losing your spouse. It’s very helpful to have someone alongside who has been where you are going. I’ve watched as gals or guys lost their spouse and have observed them putting their lives back together as Plan B became their life. They had planned on Plan A working just fine, until one day when it didn’t.
Whether you are the spouse who thought “till death does us part” was the way your marriage was going to unfold but ended with a divorce or you are the individual who really lived out that saying, this website is for you. Just today, I learned of a young woman who lost her seemingly-healthy hubby to a heart attack at age 45. The novel I am just finishing writing tells the story of a 40-something gal whose hubby didn’t come home from a conference- he had a one-car accident on the way home. It is based on a friend of mine’s actual experience.
The storms of life happen, dear friends, but I am here to help you through that difficult time, that storm of life. I hope you will see my blog postings as a valuable resource just for you at this time of life. Take care and stay in touch.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let’s talk about bugs. You may like them personally under some circumstances (which I cannot imagine) but you don’t want them in the kitchen, eating your food.
When I grew up in Florida, I went to an un-air-conditioned high school with direct access to the outside world. The school had problems with palmetto bugs and cockroaches. When we put our lunches in our lockers, the bugs frequently got our lunch before lunchtime. We got used to carrying our lunches with us all morning; I developed a taste for squashed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by default because my sandwiches always looked like they were run through an old-fashioned ringer washer by lunchtime. Please note that we could also stop here and talk about the rats in the locker rooms, but I digress!
Sealed containers are great for storing cookies, pretzels, and cereal. They are not expensive and can be purchased at the grocery store. If your significant other never had them, please buy some and transfer your food into them. If your dearly beloved had them but the food has been in there for an extended period of time, dump the food and start over. You may be growing penicillin, otherwise.
Here’s a quick bit of information: if you like soft cookies, put a piece of bread in the Tupperware-type container when you add cookies and they will remain soft longer. The bread will become hard as a rock, so you will need to toss it out and replace it occasionally, but the cookies will be delightful.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I have a good friend whose ex-fiance died unexpectedly. Now, they were ex-spouses-to-be but they owned a house together. There are some potential woes ahead, so make sure that you know the law in your state, if you are the surviving party.
Go see a real estate attorney. Yes, you might be perfectly fine to take care of this yourself but it’s best to find someone who is very familiar with the laws in your state to make sure you do the right thing.
My friend had purchased the house in both their names as joint tenants with right of survivorship, from what she told me. She will need a copy of the death certificate if she wants to sell the house in the future, which she won’t get automatically, since they were never married. It will be easier to get a sealed copy of this document now (this means there is a seal on the front of the document, not that it’s stuck in an envelope you can’t open!) than if she waits until she is eventually ready to sell. Do you really want to track down his or her family fifteen or twenty years from now? I didn’t think so.
Get the deed in your name alone, or in the names of the folks you want on the house, if there are any. Remember that waiting until you feel like it may cost you or your family a whole lot of anxiety and delayed settlement day if you wait.
Make sure that your mortgage doesn’t say that the loan is accelerated if one person dies. I met a gal a few months back who didn’t tell the bank that her spouse was dead for three years, she was so afraid that they would call the loan. She couldn’t afford to pay it off, so she didn’t tell them. As it turned out, the bank didn’t accelerate the mortgage; she was fine but she lost a lot of sleep over not telling them. Read the section of the mortgage that addresses this issue or ask your lawyer about it.
In any case, don’t wait on this. The problem won’t get better with time, and you may be leaving a huge problem behind for your eventual heirs.
Best,
Dr. Sheri