Hello everyone:
One of my former co-workers had a massive shock when he returned home from work one evening. He noticed that the house seemed a bit different when he pulled up, but it was not until he got inside his home that he realized that all of the curtains were missing. He also found that his living room was devoid of furniture. Sure enough, he went from room to room and found nothing in them. His dining room contained a folding table and one folding chair in place of the formal dining room set that had been there that morning.
He went into the kitchen and found one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one cup, one bowl, and one glass sitting on the counter next to a single kitchen towel. He climbed the stairs, where he found his children’s bedrooms completely empty; the master bedroom’s king sized bed had been replaced by a twin bed with a set of sheets, a pillow, and a single blanket stacked on it. The bathroom had a shower curtain liner but the fancy shower curtain that he had just seen earlier that day had vanished. There was one towel and a single washcloth in the vanity.
A knock came on the door; a male neighbor was standing outside, holding a pot of stew. He told my co-worker that they had not known how to get ahold of him (this was before the days of cellphones and he had never told them where he worked), but that, as soon as he had left for work that morning, a moving van had pulled up to the house and his wife had directed the sudden move-out. The neighbor offered to stay with him while he absorbed the information, but my co-worker thanked him, took the pot of stew, and went inside to face the fact that he was now unexpectedly single. He knew that he and his wife had been having some problems in their marriage, but he had no idea of her plans.
They eventually got divorced, with his wife keeping all of their furniture and being awarded one half of the value of the house. She was also awarded alimony and child support, but this was more than 30 years ago and men could get out of paying these monthly court-awarded fees by moving out of state. He was so mad that he took a job in a nearby state and moved there. He did not pay her anything, saying that she had poisoned the kids against him and he would see them again when they were old enough to drive over to the state where he now lived to visit him. He could have been arrested for nonpayment of alimony and child support, had he returned to their state so he did not go there again.
Yes, this is a true story of someone who was caught completely off-guard. What stories can you share about this same topic? No names, please. (Lawsuits are expensive and no fun!)
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
For my divorced readers, it is my earnest hope that your spouse did not control the finances of your family exclusively. You should have had your own savings and checking accounts so that you had some control over your own expenses. Not having access to your own money is a recipe for disaster, if you have become suddenly single.
When a very close friend of mine became unexpectedly unmarried, her estranged spouse allegedly cleaned out three bank accounts that they had jointly, leaving her with a grand total of $6 for the next two weeks before pay day. By removing a check from the middle of the checkbook, she did not notice that one was missing when she picked up the checkbook to pay bills.
She received a call from a friend at her bank the next afternoon; the banker told her that her estranged husband entered the bank, asked how much he had to leave in the accounts so that his withdrawing money would not trigger a special statement ($2 in each account), and took out the rest of the money.
Fortunately, she had thought ahead and had opened a personal checking account and deposited her paycheck for that week in the account, so things were not as disastrous as they could have been. She still had to cover the checks she had written before becoming aware of the situation and she thereby avoided bank charges that would have otherwise been incurred.
I hope that you were not in this same situation; I hope that you had your own money, no matter how little the amount. Do you have your own tale of woe on this topic? I would love to share your story with my readers, without mentioning your name.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of the most difficult or most fun things is to travel as a single parent with a small child. I have a friend who travels with her little kids on a regular basis and they seem to do just fine. Other parents do not face the same pleasant journey, so I wanted to share some tips that I have used through the years. I would love to hear your ideas as well, so please do write back.
When one of my sons had to spend a lot of time in the stroller for whatever reason, I gave him toys that he only got while being well-behaved in that stroller. Kids today have their own iPads to look at, but this was in the olden days where kids looked at books, played with toys, or viewed the scenery while they were in their strollers.
If the young fellow started acting up, the toy (or whatever) was taken away. Now it is important to understand that little kids need to stretch their legs periodically, but this toy-take-away happened when they were only in the stroller for a few minutes. Sometimes Mommy had to get from Point A to Point B quickly and the stroller was the only way to accomplish this.
When we traveled on a plane, I made a point of bringing along never-seen-before toys and sitting towards the back of the plane. The toys would entertain for a little while, as I was waiting for the sound of the engine and movement of the plane to gently lull my son to sleep. He got a nap and so did I. We awoke refreshed and ready for action when we landed. [Also, sitting in the back of the plane meant we had twice the number of bathrooms nearby and could get to them easily.]
When we went somewhere by car, I brought a goodie bag of toys that hadn’t been seen recently and doled them out as needed. If the kids were misbehaving, they did not get rewarded with a toy, however. We also took periodic stops for bathrooms, snacks, and to get the wiggles out.
I hope this makes your traveling more pleasant. What ideas have you come up with as you hit the roads or the skies on a trip with a toddler?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
We have a new soon-not-to-be-a-couple on Suddenly Single, Culpable Cal and Gullible Gal. I hope you can add to their adventures over the coming days. This edition of their adventures comes from stories that divorced gals have told me. The names have been changed to protect me from being sued and to prevent the gals from being embarrassed by their naive approach to life.
CC is the kinda guy who grew up with Dastardly Dad, who taught him to always hold something back from his wife (in the monetary department). That is, he should pad the bills when he told his wife how much something cost, so that he could build a nest egg for a future without his wife (hey, he might get tired of her, after all!). Dastardly Dad had plenty of experience at that, having been a failure at marriage four times.
CC learned his lessons well. If an electric bill cost $350, he told Gullible Gal it was really $500. If the insurance bill ran $250, he made sure that she thought it was $400, and the like. When household repairs needed to be made, he made certain she thought they cost two or three times the actual cost. Whenever she got too close to finding out how much a bill really was, he waved it in her face, making it impossible to read. Then came the famous words, “Don’t you trust me??” Things added up over the years, and when he got tired of his wife, he had plenty of money to spend on someone else.
Ladies, while it is important to trust your husband in a truly loving relationship, it is, like Ronald Reagan said, vital to “trust but verify.” Please make sure that you sit down with your hubby while he is still around and go over the bills, noting how much they usually run and when they are due. This will aid you, if you do become “Suddenly Single,” since this is statistically likely to happen. BTW, whenever you hear the words “don’t you trust me,” you probably shouldn’t.
What stories can you share with us? (Please use the names I have provided herein, to protect everyone, including the guilty ones!)
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Back a few years ago, I was a representative of a now-defunct home party plan decorating company. We were at a major yearly conference when I noticed that my manager spent hours during the conference on her feet, clapping to the up-tempo music that was being played while we waited for the morning, afternoon, and evening sessions to begin.
Towards the end of the four-day conference, she sunk down in her seat, exhausted. I asked her why she had been standing up so long, when she was clearly worn out. She told me, “Oh, all managers are required to get into the meeting room early and remain standing, clapping to the music until the meetings begin.” To make it even worse, she had broken one of her fingers right before the conference began and clapping really made her hands hurt. She was not only tired, but she was in terrible pain.
My manager looked stunning, as she always did, in her bright red suited skirt. A big smile never left her face but, inside, she was tired and in pain. Sometimes people are like that. They may have a cheery bright exterior but inside they are hurting. Maybe you know someone like that- he or she just went through a devastating experience, but, unless you look closely, you will miss the pain that they feel.
What can you do today to encourage someone? Perhaps a card or phone call would be just the thing to uplift them. You never know when someone might be clapping with a broken finger.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Okay, so this seems to be a bit weird, but it is something that I am facing right now and I would love your support on this, via suggestions. No, I am not talking about writer’s block. This is a situation that is, however, very inconvenient. I would like, in the words of Doc Martin, for this inconvenience to stop.
I have written two books, one for folks who have faced becoming unexpectedly unmarried and one for folks who realize that the odds are that they will not die the same time as their spouse will. Both are with my agent, who is seeking a publisher for my works. [Please note that, although these topics seem very morbid, the books themselves are actually quite funny. You would not believe what some folks have gone through when their “bearly deloved” has, well, gone on to other things.] [Having just gotten back from England where I met most of the cast, I am on a Doc Martin trivia streak right now. The pastor who married the Doc and Louisa did not say “dearly beloved,” but “bearly deloved” during the wedding ceremony. I wonder how many people caught it!]
It would be absolutely outstanding if you could like, share, and comment on my website’s blog with your friends and family members. Everyone knows someone who has lost someone, and some folks know more than one person in this situation. If everyone likes, shares, and comments (but not necessarily on my present Literary Constipation blog), that will mean more traffic on my website and a greater chance of getting published. That would be superb and I would be extremely grateful!
What we need here is some fiber, to get things moving. I don’t know if they make literary watermelon, carrots, or cantaloupe, but I have found those fruits and veggies very helpful in breaking up log jams, literary or otherwise.
Thanks in advance!
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of my dearest friends has a craft room that she just cleaned out and de-cluttered. In the past, the room was so full of stuff that it was hard to walk in the door. After several days of work, she now has a craft room that is gorgeous.
As it turns out, many of the beautiful things adorning the room have always been there, but the room was so cluttered that I went in there many times and never saw most of the pretty things. She had some very crafty items that were worthy of view, but I didn’t know that the room was a gorgeous peach color, that she had so many fabulous floral photos, and that she had created multiple biblical sayings on numerous plaques that adorned the walls. Now I do, and so does everyone else.
Life is like that. Sometimes it can become so filled with clutter that we miss out on what we have. Maybe we get so busy at work that we miss a sunset with our kids. Perhaps we are so involved with worthy causes that we miss having a cup of coffee with a friend in need. Perchance we are so focused on doing, doing, doing, that we miss the chance to do a jigsaw puzzle with an elderly relative.
It’s hard to slow down a bit. But sometimes we can get rid of the clutter of busyness so that we can enjoy what is truly there. What have you done to de-clutter your life or home recently?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes caregivers can get pretty discouraged by the sameness of their lives. They know that each day will bring……well, they really don’t know what the day will bring. They have difficulty planning for anything because everything is up for grabs.
Will Mom or Dad or Spouse need special care today? Will you be rushing to the ER for the fifth time this month? Will the person you are caring for require special care today? Will the person even know who you are this morning?
If you know someone who is a caregiver, it would be great to give that person something to look forward to. Maybe you could suggest a lunch or dinner out at a special restaurant, a walk in the park, or a shopping expedition to his or her favorite store. Maybe you can encourage that individual with a note or card or a meal.
I have a friend whose hubby died this past week. She has been caring for him for over 50 years. She now faces the need to re-invent who she is because she has always been his caregiver. I suggest writing this individual a kind card, to let her know that you noticed her sacrifices and to tell her how special she is to you. Now that her life has changed, maybe you could spend some time with her, after the funeral is over and done.
How do you encourage the caregivers in your sphere of influence? I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Recently, I had the opportunity to visit the United Kingdom. It was awesome but there are some issues that I would have loved to know about before I went. Here they are for your perusal:
Just because you have an electrical adapter, it does not mean that it will work with your appliances. I whipped out my American to UK adapter, only to fry my electric rollers and hair dryer. I was too frightened to use the adapter after that, so we bought two more adapters in England, one for my cellphone and one for my Apple laptop. I also bought some electric rollers in country. I threw my original curlers out once we got back because they were fried enough to not work anymore.
Your hotel may not have any air conditioning, depending on where you go. It was 90 degrees and humid in North Cornwall, which made for some uncomfortable nights. The management loaned us two fans but it was still rather warm for two Americans who are used to turning on the air conditioning at the drop of a hat or at a temperature rising above 70 degrees. Plan the time of year that you travel accordingly.
Hotels usually have hair dryers so you can leave yours at home, but they do not usually have Bibles so take yours if you want to do a Bible study while in country. Where are the Gideons when you need them?
The back roads in England are very narrow. Big cars do not do so well with very narrow roads, but the English are very considerate drivers. One of you will have to stop and wait if you are on a narrow lane and someone else is coming. Take turns. Trucks automatically win. If the pavement says “slow,” it really means “good luck with this one!” The word is usually painted on a road that is really only one lane but is pretending to be two.
The walls of the road (yes, they actually have 10 or 12 foot high walls on country roads) are vine-covered but they are hiding the fact that there is brick or stones underneath those vines. Don’t hit them.
If you get lost or are unsure of directions, the English are very happy to help, so ask them for assistance. Keep in mind that you may not understand what they are saying the first time around. Smile and be polite and ask them to repeat what they said.
Your car may not have a GPS, so you may wish to use your phone’s system to get where you are going because it will use your dialect.
The English love roundabouts. They use them a lot. The Twilight Zone of roundabouts was on our journey; it had five exits, each of which had its own five exit roundabout. We turned around and went somewhere else, in order to avoid it. If you see a sign that says “give way,” it means “yield.”
Some machines, like coin-operated washing machines, will only take new pound coins. The old pounds have a slightly different shape, so know which one you will need before converting all of your money to pounds in order to wash your clothes. Sometimes machines within a launderette (as they are called) will vary as to which coins they will accept, so ask the proprietor or read the signs above the machines.
Pounds are pretty easy to figure out, but the other coins might not be. I just gave up and treated a pound like a dollar (which it wasn’t) in order to have some sense of what I was paying for things. If you buy things in the airport, you can get a discount if you say you are flying outside the European Union. You may have to show your boarding pass to prove where you are going.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful. What tricks of traveling abroad have you used?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever been to a destination wedding? I went to one recently and discovered something interesting: the destination is a place that the bride and groom want to go to, but the guests, not so much.
We were in the wilds of New England, where the bride and her family loved to go when she was growing up. The groom was not so enamored of the place, but he was enamored of the bride, so he went. Folks, my idea of roughing it is the Hilton Garden Inn, not some backwater place with no television, no radio, no phones (cellphone availability was not available and texting only went through every once in a while), and no air conditioning on a humid 95+degree weekend in summer.
Lest you say that I should have forgotten the Internet while I was there, I was under contract to be available to my employers and did not have a choice about doing some work that weekend. I also call my elderly father four times a week and could not get through to him because of the lack of phone service.
Here’s an idea: how about if you share your nuptial vows where is does not take me an entire day and hundreds of dollars to fly into the place and another day to return home? Taking three days out of my life to watch you get married in a half an hour is just a bit much to ask, in my book.
I will confess that, if I had been emotionally close to the bride and groom, I would have been willing to shell out the time and money for what was actually a five-day celebration of their wedding. (I only went to three of the five days.)
What do you think of this topic? Do you find destination weddings as frustrating as I did this past weekend? I would love to hear your tales of woe!
Best,
Dr. Sheri