Hello everyone:
I talk to a lot of folks in my travels and the “good riddance” attitude is one of the hardest some of my gals tell me about.
You know how that goes, perhaps. He simply doesn’t want you anymore – he wants “some space.” Sadly, that usually means he has found someone else to fill it. So how do you even respond to that? Perchance you have been married longer than you have been single, and now you find yourself “at a certain age” where the only person you are liable to attract is someone old enough to be your father. Yes, gentlemen usually want cute young things. If a guy is 85 or 90, that may mean you, my 60s-something friend. (Or there is the possibility that he wants someone in her 20s- he may even get her, if his portfolio is large enough.)
So what do you do? First, understand that he is going to play the sympathy card. He will try very hard to make you out to be the bad guy in this whole divorce scenario. Then, after a few months, he will start to introduce around the sweet young thing that took your place. She will be the “wonderful friend who has helped me through such a difficult time since I was deserted by Matilda.” (If that’s not your name, feel free to insert your correct name.) He probably met her at work and has been involved with her much longer than you suspected. She’s the good guy, not you, depending on how he plays his cards. Watch your reactions here, my friends.
Next, he’s going to want all of your joint friends (and your joint bank accounts). He may approach them asap, so that he tells his side of the sad tale before you do. Expect this; don’t be blindsided by it. This applies to family members on both sides of your family, as well. If he paints your picture dark enough, some of your relatives may actually believe his tale. (I am assuming here that you are the innocent bystander, and that you aren’t an adulterous creep in your own right.)
Finally, he may want the blessing of your church. This is a tangled mess, depending on the denomination you have been a member of and how they view divorce. Please respond with class to any inquiries you face. Do not be dragged into a discussion that you are uncomfortable with but do answer with as much information as you feel comfortable sharing, depending on who you are talking to. Contact your attorney if there are any legal ramifications here. I am not an attorney but I don’t want you to get sued.
Friends, you can get through this. You may be estranged from your family for a season, if they believe his nonsense. You may need to find new friends, if they buy the “this is the wonderful woman who supported me after Hortense said “aloha” garbage. But you can get through this, with God’s help, and you can find peace and happiness again. Be encouraged, my friends.
If you would like to share your story, I would be happy to hear it.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever flipped a switch or plugged something in, switched it on, and had nothing happen? That’s what happened to me at my new home on Friday. I plugged in a lamp in my master bedroom, turned it on, and the lamp did not light up. I moved the lamp and plugged it in elsewhere in the room. Still nothing. Moving the lamp into the bathroom (and who has a lamp in there?) revealed a perfectly-functioning lamp. Drat! What in the world???
A trip downstairs quickly revealed the problem: For some reason, three of the circuit breakers in the master bedroom were in the “off” position. That isn’t the kind of thing that happens as a rule, so I had to assume that someone, at some point in time, had turned them off. The mystery, which still remains, is why? Fortunately, the circuit box was labeled, so I was able to determine the problem pretty fast.
Learn where your circuit breaker is as quickly as you can. It is usually hidden behind a little door, so look for a door on the wall of your room (it will frequently be in the basement).
Clearly label your circuit breaker box, so that you know what turns off the electricity in a specific part of your house. You will need this information if something “trips your circuit breaker.” This means that you need to open the breaker box and flip the switch back into the “on” position, if you turned something on and the power went out in one area of your house.
Please note that bathroom switches sometimes overload and they immediately trip and turn themselves off. If this happens, the little “test” button on the switch pops out. Simply hit the “reset” button and things should be fine. If the lights are off all over your house, call the power company. You may have a power outage and it won’t go back on unless the power company knows you are having a problem.
I hope you find this helpful!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Here are some more tips from someone who has now moved 24 times. (Yes, it really has been that many times!)
If you have a special pillow, take it with you in your car. I have a wonderful computer chair pillow that I dearly love. Where is it now, you might ask? I would love to know, because it certainly isn’t under my backside as I type this. There are over 200 pieces of stuff that were professionally moved but I have no idea into which container the movers placed my beloved pillow. They will mark the room that they packed something in but they might not call the room what you call the room. Since I started my new job today, there hasn’t been enough time to unpack more than say, 25 boxes….that means that somewhere in a box not so very far away, there is a wonderful pillow that I am not using.
Be careful with what the movers move. If you say “move everything in this room,” it can mean everything in the room, including trash. In my move from New Jersey to Connecticut about 30 years ago, I had a couple bags of trash that I was getting ready to put out at the curb. When they disappeared between my trips into that room, I assumed that my hubby had taken out the trash. Nope. The movers packed it and, believe me, when we opened the boxes those trash bags were in about a week later, they were quite malodorous. Those particular movers also moved a log that was in the fireplace. They must have been paid by the box because that little ol’ log had a box of its own. A big box.
Be sure to look behind the door when you leave the house for the last time. The movers use protective coverings over the doorway and they keep the door open the whole time they are packing and moving things out. One of my favorite pictures got left behind just because it was behind the door and I didn’t see it when I left. Don’t put anything but trash in a trash bag because, when I was leaving Florida, I put a treasured painting in a black trash bag to protect it from the rain and a friend carried it out to the curb. I didn’t discover it was missing until months later, when I figured otu what had happened.
I hope this helps guide your move. If you have any tips, please do share them.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
HI everyone:
I hope you are enjoying my blog postings on moving. There is one part of moving that you need to be aware of: the glums.
According to some of the studies I’ve read, it takes a woman six months to get over moving. Since I am getting ready for my 24th move, that means, if the studies are correct, I’ve spent 12 years depressed. Although a slight case of depression did accompany some of my moves, it was not the case all the time, thank heavens!
So how do you get over moving? I was standing on the front porch of the rental property I am getting ready to move into as I begin a new job in a new location. I was waiting for my landlord (I haven’t had a landlord since I was about 20!), wondering what in the world I was getting myself into.
I have lovely homes in three states, and here I was starting all over. I noticed, for the first time, that my one neighbor’s retaining wall was peeling paint, while the one on the other side had broken mini-blinds and mold growing on the side of the house. When I got into the rental, I saw that the finishes on the cabinetry and the flooring were not up to the standards I was used to.
And then I realized that this was the glums talking. The neighborhood I am moving into is considered quite desirable. It’s close to everything I need to be close to. The house itself is nice; it’s just not what I am used to. And therein lies the problem.
If you are moving and expecting everything to be the same, minus that one person in your life, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Try reaching out to others in the midst of your sadness that life is changing. Spend time focused on the needs of other people and you will get your eyes off of yourself. That, and prayer, is probably the best way to step into your new life, your new normal, and that will help you embrace the future.
You can do this!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Okay, sometimes folks are slow on the uptake. I had a male co-worker many years ago who didn’t realize his marriage was over until he came home one night and found his house was completely empty and his wife and kids were gone. He told me, “I knew we were having problems but I didn’t realize she was so serious….”
Another friend found that her normally-helpful hubby was unwilling to do ANYTHING for her. She had trouble opening a jar. He looked over at her and shrugged, “Oh, well, I guess you’ll have to figure it out for yourself.” Still another needed help with her computer. The reply? “You’re so smart. You can get it running again.” He was the computer geek; she wasn’t.
Maybe you have shared life with your spouse for _____ years or more and suddenly he or she doesn’t want anything to do with you. That’s a hint, most certainly. Avoidance becomes the name of the game, or perhaps constant confrontation has become your new lot in life. These are all dead giveaways that there is trouble in paradise.
What can you do? Well, there’s an old bromide that “it takes two to tango” and that is certainly true. A real challenge with some of the gals I’ve talked to is how their well-meaning friends sometimes tell them it’s their fault they are losing their hubby. If only they were more ________ (submissive, understanding, thoughtful, or whatever), their hubby would still be interested in them.
I wonder how many of you have found that to be true: that it’s your fault that the marriage failed. I would love to hear from you, either about your own experience or that of someone you know (no names or locations, please).
Let’s talk.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When you are getting ready to move, don’t forget to set things up for your new home. You will need electricity, water and sewer, trash pickup, and internet access. If possible, ask your real estate agent for the names and phone numbers you will need to establish your new accounts.
Don’t be surprised by security deposit requests. They can add up but you may be able to avoid some of them, if you have good credit. They will check!
Don’t be surprised by the lead time required to set your accounts up. Some folks will want two weeks or more, while others will ask you not to call until you are less than two weeks from your move. Changing things over from the former residents to you is very important, but the only way you can find out required lead times is by calling or emailing the service provider and asking.
Do you have decals for your trash cans? You can pay for them at City Hall in one place. Other towns include trash pickup with your taxes and you don’t need decals. Check it out before you need it!
What about a mover? They can be pretty pricey! You may have an ex who refuses to help you move. This can run into the thousands of dollars, so figure it out ahead of time. It may be cheaper to leave the old furniture with your ex and buy new, rather than paying through the nose to have your furniture moved.
I got a recent estimate for moving my bedroom, living room, and dining room and no appliances. The fee? It was going to cost $4700 for a one-day move. How much is your old bed worth? How much would a new one cost? Would you rather have a brand new bed or the one you shared with your ex? How much is a new dresser? I would think you could buy a pretty nice one for $4700. Food for thought.
I would love to hear your thoughts (and horror stories) on this one!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello friends:
Everywhere you look, others are getting ready to celebrate the holiday season with their family. But what if you are all alone? They’re posting holiday photos of parties they are giving or are going to and you aren’t invited.
This can be a rough time of year, my friend. Perhaps it is too late for this year, but let’s do some advanced planning for next year, shall we?
I have a good friend who is a single gal. She’s a never-married, but that doesn’t stop her from having folks over to party. She puts on fancy clothes, and her always-ready smile, and hosts get together gatherings herself. Yes, she is technically alone but you wouldn’t know it from her contagious smile on Facebook. People want to join her parties because she has such a sense of fun. How about you?
Perhaps your budget won’t allow for a huge gathering, but how about a potluck party? Or perhaps just a dessert gathering (hey, that sounds like fun!). You could even invite folks over for cookies and punch, if that is more in line with your finances. The important thing here is to invite others and have a good time.
Maybe you are a charitable giver. How about joining the folks who place wreaths on the graves of fallen soldiers, or serving at a soup kitchen, or helping with your church’s annual Christmas party for community members? These are all things that take you out of your comfort zone for a while and allow you to give without a financial contribution.
Yes, it’s hard being alone, especially if you didn’t plan on this. This might not have been your choice, and it wasn’t even Plan B, C, or D, but it happened. Let’s work together to rejoin the world. You can do this! Be encouraged.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A couple of gals I’ve never met had a problem. Apparently, they did not read the fine print of their lease. It said that they couldn’t have any pets. They got a couple of dogs. It might have seemed like a good idea, but it cost them their home.
You see, along with the fine print that said they couldn’t wear outside shoes in the house and that they couldn’t put more than two small nails in each wall, it also said “no pets.”
Maybe they didn’t take it seriously, but their landlord did. Oops! [For the record, they also have to keep the driveway shovels when it snows. I don’t know if they did or not (it snowed 12 inches in that town this past weekend), but the pets deal was enough to do their lease in. ]
When you rent a place, make sure that you do read the fine print because, even if you don’t think the landlord will care, he or she might care a lot and you could end up out on the street. Like they did.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello again:
I’m getting ready for my 23rd move as an adult, so here’s some more hard-won advice on packing up.
Do you love books as much as I do? As an English and Communication dual major, books are my diamonds. (Hey, diamonds are fun, but they aren’t available at Barnes and Noble, at least as far as I know. They also aren’t in my budget!).
But (and this is a huge “but”) do you really need to keep the cookbooks that your ex collected but never used? Yes, friends, I confess to having books from a marriage that ended in 19whatever….I never used them, except by mistake, and he didn’t want them when he headed for greener pastures (I don’t mean to comment on his girlfriend here, but you know what hangs out in pastures…. but I digress).
The dust bunnies on those books have dust bunnies of their own…let’s toss them. Do you really want a book that contains recipes from folks who probably died of heart failure, based on the ingredients in the foods described therein? I didn’t think so.
If you have some books that it would break your heart to give up, keep them by all means. But how about the ones with mediocre story lines or outdated information? Give them away or donate them to someone somewhere. Just don’t take them with you. (I’m preaching to the choir here!)
Put the books in small boxes, so that you can lift them, especially if you’re a single gal who has to move herself. Mark on the boxes the types of books they contain (for my own situation, my office books need to go in – of all places- my office when I get to my new home. My reading-for-enjoyment books will go in my living or family room. You get the idea.)
Next up, getting your family photos organized for the move, especially if they’ve never been anywhere but stuck in a basket. In the meantime, get those books packed and do share any tips you have with us.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Moving along, let’s get things moving….Okay, so you routed through your closet, you started packing up heavy things in small boxes and lighter things in bigger boxes, so what’s next?
Let’s check out seasons. If you are moving in the winter, you can go ahead and pack up your summer things (unless you’re moving some place warm!). If you have a bunch of things that you haven’t worn in more than a year, please consider donating them to a charity. Why do you need to keep your engagement dress, especially if you’re getting a divorce? Do you think your daughter is going to want to wear it, given your marriage results (if you are dissolving your matrimonial bonds)? Probably not.
Now let’s move into a room that you have but that you don’t use much. In my house, that’s the cellar. I have 23 boxes of Christmas decorations. This year, I didn’t do much more than put out a couple of boxes of snowmen, due to my son’s wedding activities. Therefore, a good place for me to continue packing would be the cellar. Just because something is packed well for sitting in the cellar, it does not mean it’s ready for a cross-country trip in a moving van, so double-check each box carefully.
The next room I would pack would be the guest room, probably because I’m not expecting any guests between now and moving day. Go through that closet, as well Do you even remember what’s in it? Then you might need to get rid of the contents of that closet. Pack up any decorative items, unless you are using them to stage the house for a faster sale (my real estate friends say that a staged house does sell faster and for more money, so keep this in mind). However, do understand that a cluttered house does not sell faster and is more likely to sit on the market.
Pack up all photographs. This is especially important if you are trying to sell your house because buyers need to picture themselves living in your house, not you and your family living in your house.
Okay, these are the areas to focus on today. Next time, I will focus on another room (or two or three).
Best,
Dr. Sheri