Hello everyone:
We have a new soon-not-to-be-a-couple on Suddenly Single, Culpable Cal and Gullible Gal. I hope you can add to their adventures over the coming days. This edition of their adventures comes from stories that divorced gals have told me. The names have been changed to protect me from being sued and to prevent the gals from being embarrassed by their naive approach to life.
CC is the kinda guy who grew up with Dastardly Dad, who taught him to always hold something back from his wife (in the monetary department). That is, he should pad the bills when he told his wife how much something cost, so that he could build a nest egg for a future without his wife (hey, he might get tired of her, after all!). Dastardly Dad had plenty of experience at that, having been a failure at marriage four times.
CC learned his lessons well. If an electric bill cost $350, he told Gullible Gal it was really $500. If the insurance bill ran $250, he made sure that she thought it was $400, and the like. When household repairs needed to be made, he made certain she thought they cost two or three times the actual cost. Whenever she got too close to finding out how much a bill really was, he waved it in her face, making it impossible to read. Then came the famous words, “Don’t you trust me??” Things added up over the years, and when he got tired of his wife, he had plenty of money to spend on someone else.
Ladies, while it is important to trust your husband in a truly loving relationship, it is, like Ronald Reagan said, vital to “trust but verify.” Please make sure that you sit down with your hubby while he is still around and go over the bills, noting how much they usually run and when they are due. This will aid you, if you do become “Suddenly Single,” since this is statistically likely to happen. BTW, whenever you hear the words “don’t you trust me,” you probably shouldn’t.
What stories can you share with us? (Please use the names I have provided herein, to protect everyone, including the guilty ones!)
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Back a few years ago, I was a representative of a now-defunct home party plan decorating company. We were at a major yearly conference when I noticed that my manager spent hours during the conference on her feet, clapping to the up-tempo music that was being played while we waited for the morning, afternoon, and evening sessions to begin.
Towards the end of the four-day conference, she sunk down in her seat, exhausted. I asked her why she had been standing up so long, when she was clearly worn out. She told me, “Oh, all managers are required to get into the meeting room early and remain standing, clapping to the music until the meetings begin.” To make it even worse, she had broken one of her fingers right before the conference began and clapping really made her hands hurt. She was not only tired, but she was in terrible pain.
My manager looked stunning, as she always did, in her bright red suited skirt. A big smile never left her face but, inside, she was tired and in pain. Sometimes people are like that. They may have a cheery bright exterior but inside they are hurting. Maybe you know someone like that- he or she just went through a devastating experience, but, unless you look closely, you will miss the pain that they feel.
What can you do today to encourage someone? Perhaps a card or phone call would be just the thing to uplift them. You never know when someone might be clapping with a broken finger.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
As a newly-single person, how do you make decisions on your own? Maybe you had a warm and caring relationship with your spouse and you always discussed things and made joint decisions. Maybe you had a second-guessing spouse who always made you feel like your decisions were poor and your judgment was faulty (hey, you choose him or her, so why is that person second-guessing your decision-making ability? It doesn’t reflect well on your former spouse, now does it?).
Whatever the case, you are faced with a situation and must make a decision. Where do you turn? That depends on what type of judgment call you need to make.
If it is financial (and big!), turn to your financial consultant (if you have read my book’s first chapter, you know who I am talking about).
If it is spiritual, pray and read the Bible. If is is BIG and spiritual, ask someone in your church whose opinion you respect about this issue (after you pray and read the Bible).
If it is about child-rearing, pray, read the Bible, pray some more, and ask Focus on the Family.
If is is about what to have for dinner, just decide! (This is not rocket science!)
If it is about which movie to see, check the reviews given by World Magazine, and then flip a coin if you still don’t know which show to watch.
If it is about what color to paint your living room, ask someone whose decorating you admire.
If it is about what clothes to wear, check out my chapter on using a Personal Shopper (oh, wait a minute- that’s in my as-yet unpublished first book! Actually, it’s in my second book as well because a good idea is a good idea!).
Whatever your decision-making needs, it is important to make a decision and then stand by it. Adjust it as need be, but believe in your ability to see things through!
What decisions have you needed to make since you lost your spouse? How did you first manage this daunting task?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One way to keep your spirits up during a difficult time is to have something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be anything as dramatic as a weeks-long trip; it can be as simple as a window shopping trip or a movie with a friend.
What kind of low-budget-high-fun-level activities can you think of? Maybe going to the latest movie with a close friend is your kind of excitement. Perhaps you prefer going to craft stores or going on nature walks or chatting with a friend over a cup of coffee. It doesn’t have to be expensive to know that, at some time in the near future, you are going to have something to do that takes you away from your business-as-usual life.
You don’t even have to be experiencing a difficult time to enjoy this type of thing. Maybe you are so busy working and taking care of others that you have neglected your own mental health. What would you like to do that gets you out of your present rut that would make your eyes light up?
Are you a practical joker or do you just enjoy talking about a what-if-I-were-into-that-type-of-thing? What kind of non-harmful prank would you pull if no one ever found out that you had done it? Sometimes it is fun just to talk about it.
Seriously, what kind of out-of-the-ordinary idea can you come up with?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A unexpectedly unmarried friend of mine told me when she feels the loneliest. It is not when she is by herself at a sporting event for her son or even at a graduation when he moves on to his next level at school. Nope, her time of feeling the most alone (and somewhat jealous) is when she sees happily married elderly couples sitting at the mall, drinking coffee together.
The mall has a variety of folks, but the ones that make her feel the most isolated are those old folks who have been married since dirt was created and who still find joy in each other’s presence. She watches their shared smiles, their joyous laughter, their private jokes, and their obvious love and devotion and she feels alone in the world. She has a large circle of friends who adore her, a job that she excels in, and a loving family who cherishes her, but she is still one of the no-longer-marrieds.
What does one do in these circumstances? She tries not to look at them too much, without seeming rude. She glances at the folks who stop by to visit with them, the other “tragically unmarried,” to quote a Doc Martin character. How do you handle this isolation? I would love to hear your tips for avoiding those “all alone” and “totally isolated” feelings. Please do share your thoughts; perhaps we can help alleviate some of that accompanying pain by sharing ideas with one another.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
In today’s blog, I wanted to share some news about an upcoming project: Suddenly Single for Military Couples (I do not have a subtitle yet). This is the third book in my Suddenly Single series and I hope you can be a part of it.
I am looking for the family members of veterans, or veterans themselves, who would be willing to be interviewed. The idea here is to share with our readers the what-I-know-now-that-I-wish-I’d-known-then approach to either being deployed or coming back from deployment a changed person as the result of being harmed or killed. (Okay, that sounded a bit strange. Obviously, I don’t want to talk with dead people. What I meant is that I would like to talk with the family that the service person left behind.)
It is my goal to have a book that is by (as a result of the interviews I do) and for military people. I will not identify individual service members or their families in this book, to protect their privacy. If given permission to do so, I will list the families in my acknowledgment section. I am the daughter of a World War 2 Navy veteran, the ex-wife of a U.S. Air Force veteran, the mother of a 100% disabled Army veteran, and the sister-in-law of a Coast Guard veteran. My heart is with our service people; the royalties from this endeavor will go to benefit charities that support them. [Fisher House is the charity that I am leaning towards, since they provide free housing to military families whose parent/spouse is in the hospital.]
If you know someone who would be willing to chat with me, or if you are a veteran who would like to be a part of this book, please comment in the comment section of this blog. I will be in touch. Thanks ever so much!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is about how to eat healthy if you are alone. Sometimes it seems like too much effort to eat food that’s good for you, especially when the fast food companies are filling the airwaves with delicious-looking-but-horrible-for-you dinners each evening.
You are just sitting there, alone, watching Jeopardy! when the ads come on and show you the most delectable food imaginable. How do you combat that? Maybe you don’t know how to cook because your dearly beloved but now departed spouse always did the cooking. How do you avoid the minefields of high calorie, low nutritionally valued food?
Have you checked out the hospital cafeteria? My dad lives near his local hospital. They have an excellent cafeteria, where the food is nutritional and amazingly inexpensive. He eats there several times a week, getting well-balanced lunches and dinners that cost him less than $5. The folks have gotten to know Dad quite well, as they also know the other widowers who visit them on a daily basis.
One of the men, when I asked him why he doesn’t learn how to cook, told me “I couldn’t make these meals for what they cost me here and I enjoy meeting other widowers for lunch and dinner.” He used the time as an opportunity for fellowship as well as a means of feeding him food that is good for his body. I realize that not all hospitals have good food, but start there.
The next place to look for healthy food is your local upscale food store. Some of them offer frozen or fresh meals that are nutritionally well-balanced. Be aware that these stores are not for the financially faint of heart! They will cost you some cash but at least you didn’t have to make the meal yourself.
Finally, learn to cook. Take classes at your community college or local kitchenware retail store. Read books on balanced nutrition and use your cooking classes to teach you how to make the dishes you read about. [Note: You might also meet Mrs. or Mr. Right at these classes!] Another option, if you live in a metropolitan area, would be to find a company that prepares healthy food and delivers it to your door. I wish you well on your quest to locate food that is good for you and tastes good.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Perhaps you have been single for a long time, or maybe your journey in singleness is relatively recent. Whatever the case, you have decided to jump back into the pool of availability and you may have your eye on the next Mr. or Ms. Right at this very moment. Let’s take a step back and look at your potential mate.
The individual seems pretty near perfect. He or she is intelligent, attractive, and pleasant. The stars seem to be in alignment on this pairing and you are seriously considering taking the plunge into matrimonial waters again. My question for you is: how does this person handle not getting his or her way?
Since marriage is a partnership and has a lot of give and take, does this individual insist that he or she is always right, that his or her way is the only way things should be done? Some gals burst into tears with the slightest provocation, while some guys blow up if things are not going his way. Either reaction is bothersome. Both are ways to control you and your life. Tears are a passive aggressive approach to getting one’s own way, while anger can be downright dangerous to your physical and mental health. Neither is a good way to live.
Some controlling partners become sullen or withdrawn, while others stew over plans when they don’t get their way. Maybe this individual is a pouter, who acts like a two-year-old whose favorite toy has been taken away. Hey, it worked then and it still works, even though the person is grown. Have you ever seen a little kid in a grocery store who wants a treat and Mom or Dad doesn’t want to give it to the child? The kid might choose to pitch a fit or hold his or her breath long enough to scare the parent. Maybe the child is throwing a full-blown temper tantrum right there in the store. To keep the peace, Mom or Dad gives in, reinforcing the behavior in the child’s mind.
Fast forward a couple dozen years and now you have an adult who is used to getting his or her own way…….the results can get pretty ugly. You would most likely benefit from taking a hard look at your potential dreamboat. Take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good, hard look at your potential Mr. or Mrs.
Have you ever dealt with a controlling personality? I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please use my name in your reply, since my website has been getting a lot of spam these days and I would like to respond to you, if you are not a robot.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes folks who are widowed, divorced, or otherwise suddenly single ask me if they should get some additional schooling. It depends on the field you are in or are considering going into. There are some issues to think about:
Will you ever make back the money you are investing into additional education? Be sure to check out the job market ahead of time. What are trends saying about the field you are thinking about? When I started my Ph.D. program, full time faculty positions were competitive but available. Five years later when I graduated, many schools were only hiring adjuncts, which meant low income and few benefits. Will I ever recoup my investment? Yes, but it is taking longer than I thought.
What is your reason for returning to school? For me, it had been my lifelong dream to complete my college education, so it was definitely worth it for the self-esteem boost it provided. If you dread the thought of doing homework, don’t want to invest the money and time, or have some other negative reason for not doing it, then don’t. One lady who was in a Saturday morning class I taught told me that she thought that, by taking a Saturday three-hour class, there wouldn’t be any homework. I told her “Welcome to college. We have homework.” Are you willing to commit to studying two hours for every one hour of class? That is pretty much what it will take to be successful.
What will you do if you don’t return to school? Will you be forced to take a minimum wage job (or two or three) just to support yourself and your family? Then the investment would be worthwhile. After all, you may be old now but four or five years from now you will be four or five years older and you will either have that degree or you won’t. It’s your call.
I would love to hear from you. If you have any questions or topics you would like me to address, just ask. When making a comment, please use my name so that I will know you are not a robot. I get a lot of spam and delete it. I don’t want to delete you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
While you might have been the recipient of notes of condolence or comfort, let’s take a few minutes and talk about how to write them. You have the experience of being on the receiving end; now let’s see you start to send some yourself.
First, I suggest that you not use those pre-written cards that cost an arm and a leg at the grocery store. Why? Because they are impersonal and might not reflect either your thoughts or the other person’s need. Additionally, you may be on a tight budget now that your spouse is gone, so why pay $5 or $6 for something that doesn’t fit the exact situation when you are so much better at expressing yourself than you think?
Instead, go to the store and buy a box of blank cards. They can be purchased at many grocery stores and are usually about $7-$8 for 20 blank cards that have a pretty picture on them. They can be used for a variety of reasons, from congratulations, to notes to the ill, to cards of condolence. It is the thoughts that you are expressing that are the important thing; your card will offer strength and comfort.
Your message need not be long- 3 to 5 sentences can express your concern and care for the other person. The good thing about the fact that you are writing, rather than calling or emailing, is that the receiver can reread your card as many times as he or she wants, the person did not need to log in on a computer to read it, and you did not interrupt that person with a phone call.
What do you say? Well, let’s fit it to the situation. [Please note that I am going to write that I am praying for the person because I am a member of the Christian faith. If you are not, then you could write that you are thinking of the person or hoping the individual gets well.]
Here goes: Let’s start with someone who is ill. Perhaps you would like to say something like:
Dear John:
It was quite a shock to hear about your recent surgery for pancreatic cancer. My heart goes out to you, since you are such an active person. I pray that the operation went smoothly and for your strong recovery. You and Mary are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Sue
[Note: You are not trying to show that you had a surgery that was so much worse or that you had an illness that was ten times what he experienced. Nope, this is totally about John and his situation. Keep that in mind as you write.]
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What if the person just lost his or her spouse due to divorce? Let’s try something like this:
Dear Susie:
It saddened me to hear that you and Mark have gotten divorced. Marriage can be difficult and its end can be devastating. I pray for you and the kids daily. If you would like to talk, I am here for you.
Hugs,
Jane
[Note: This is not the time to tell Susie that her hubby was a creep and that you never liked him. She was in love with him at one time; this is not the right time to tell her she has bad taste in men. Trust me, she knows it!]
What if the person’s spouse just died? Let’s go with:
Dear Al:
Sunday mornings were always special to me because I knew that Alice and I would meet up in the ladies’s room at church. Her radiant smile of greeting always warmed my heart. It was so wonderful to see the two of you together because you were so much in love, even after almost 70 years of marriage. It is those moments that I will miss the most as I think of your lovely bride. You and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this next stage of life.
Love,
Matilda
[Note: This is the time to mention what you loved the most about the missing spouse. Share some special memory in a positive light. BTW, Alice had only two teeth in her mouth (and they were crooked) but she still radiated love. ]
I hope this blog gives you some ideas for cards you can write. Handwritten notes express your thoughts so beautifully- you can do this! I would love to hear from you. Perhaps there is a special note you received that really touched your heart. When you write back, please use my name, so that it will be obvious that you aren’t spam. I look forward to hearing from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri