Hello everyone:
Moving along, let’s get things moving….Okay, so you routed through your closet, you started packing up heavy things in small boxes and lighter things in bigger boxes, so what’s next?
Let’s check out seasons. If you are moving in the winter, you can go ahead and pack up your summer things (unless you’re moving some place warm!). If you have a bunch of things that you haven’t worn in more than a year, please consider donating them to a charity. Why do you need to keep your engagement dress, especially if you’re getting a divorce? Do you think your daughter is going to want to wear it, given your marriage results (if you are dissolving your matrimonial bonds)? Probably not.
Now let’s move into a room that you have but that you don’t use much. In my house, that’s the cellar. I have 23 boxes of Christmas decorations. This year, I didn’t do much more than put out a couple of boxes of snowmen, due to my son’s wedding activities. Therefore, a good place for me to continue packing would be the cellar. Just because something is packed well for sitting in the cellar, it does not mean it’s ready for a cross-country trip in a moving van, so double-check each box carefully.
The next room I would pack would be the guest room, probably because I’m not expecting any guests between now and moving day. Go through that closet, as well Do you even remember what’s in it? Then you might need to get rid of the contents of that closet. Pack up any decorative items, unless you are using them to stage the house for a faster sale (my real estate friends say that a staged house does sell faster and for more money, so keep this in mind). However, do understand that a cluttered house does not sell faster and is more likely to sit on the market.
Pack up all photographs. This is especially important if you are trying to sell your house because buyers need to picture themselves living in your house, not you and your family living in your house.
Okay, these are the areas to focus on today. Next time, I will focus on another room (or two or three).
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
So, how’s that closet looking? Time to move on to the other closets in your home, preferably ones that you don’t use too often. That way, you won’t miss what’s already been packed as you wait to move.
Do the same thing that you did with the first closet, removing everything and going through it to see what you don’t need, never use, and don’t want. You may think that you can wait until you get to your new place to go through things, but you probably know people right where you are who could use what you don’t want, so unload stuff before, not after, you move. I once knew someone who packed used Q-Tips. Really? That’s disgusting.
As you pack what you want to keep, make sure that you follow the following advice: Heavy things should be packed in small boxes and light things can go in bigger ones. We don’t want you to need hernia repair when you get where you’re going.
Moving out of the closets, let’s take a look at your bookshelves. (For folks who love books like I do, this constitutes meddling but it must be done.) What books do you have that you will never read again? Give them away.
(I am guilty of holding onto books I never read, as we complete this True Confession time today. I still have my ex-husband’s cookbooks that neither of us ever used. We have been divorced since…humm….how long has it been? …. Since 1980, I have held onto books that promote unhealthy eating. I never use them, they are filled with dust, and guess what I’m gong to get rid of very soon? Right!)
As you pack your books up to move, mark on the four sides of the box which room you want these books to go into in your new home. That way, they’ll start out in the right room, even if you don’t unpack them right away.
Okay, that’s it for today. Have a super packing party and stay tuned for Part Three.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary….no, wait a minute. That’s already been said.
Let’s start again. When, in the course of divorce court, it becomes necessary to move on….you know, that just doesn’t have the same ring, somehow. Silliness aside, let’s get you prepared for a move you might never have wanted but which is coming true in your life. That stuff you’be been keeping in your closet since you moved into your house twenty-five years ago is not suddenly going to attack you if you get rid of it.
Chances are excellent that you will need to downsize. That means that your former residence of, say, almost 3,000 square feet, will become a whole lot smaller. So how do you plan for that?
Start by going through everything. Do you absolutely need the copies of “fill in the blank” whatever you have been holding on to for a rainy day? Yes, you will need to keep copies of anything related to the IRS, but the menu from Steak and Shake from fifteen years ago when you were thinking about having a party there? No, not so much.
Go through your closets. Blessed be the tie that binds but not in this case. Anything that does fit but you never wear, stuff that hasn’t been in style for five years, or anything that hasn’t fit for ten years is fodder for the rummage sale at church or Goodwill. Get a receipt if you think you’ll use it.
What about your shoes? Do you need fifteen pairs of shoes, ten of which are run down in the heels and are in need of new soles? Are you suddenly going to be attacked by the Shoe Repair Bug and finally get all of them fixed? Probably not, dear friend. Toss them or give them to someone who is not emotionally attached to them (they’ll be able to dump them without guilt).
You know that jar of coins that you have in the back of the closet? That bunch of change that you kept adding to until you couldn’t get any more money into the jar? You can’t move it without serious threat of hernia, I’m guessing. It’s way too heavy. Start now to unload the coins. You can pay for your groceries with change (hey, they probably gave it to you in the first place), so bag some up for every visit to the food store and go through the self-check stand, where change is accepted without groans.
What else is in that closet? Craft stuff that you never completed? Give it away. be brutal. You haven’t had time to finish it in the past “fill in the blank” years. Are you going to be motivated to complete it now? If not, give it to someone who would enjoy having it.
Oh, no. It’s your wedding dress. You may have been saving it for your daughter or granddaughter. That’s very noble. The questions here are several. Will she be able to fit into it? Will she want to wear it? How is it aging? If it’s yellowed with age, she might not find it as attractive as you once did. What is the style? Keep in mind that vintage dresses are one thing; simply old-fashioned and outdated is another. (Now I’m meddling. I can see it in your eyes.)
Okay, that’s enough for today. BTW, I’m posting this ahead of my normal Monday/Friday blog postings because one of my sons is getting married next week and I know it’s going to be a busy time. No, his 4’11” bride is not wearing my gown. I’m 5’6″ in my stocking feet. The height difference alone made the gown loaning unwise.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I meet folks every day who wonder what they should do about their first Christmas sans their spouse. Should they get out the decorations when all they feel like doing is crawling in the nearest hole?
Let’s chat about it for a minute. Christmas is coming- you see it everywhere you look at the mall. Festive music is being blared from every speaker. Stores are vying for your attention (and your money) with the latest in decorations that scream “spend your money here.”
You can’t even escape it at the grocery store. The center of the store is filled with aisles of wrapping paper and expensive (but cheap) last-minute Christmas gifts. And that all happens around Halloween.
So what’s a newly Suddenly Single gal or guy to do? Here’s what I suggest (keep in mind that I was a decorator for 23 years and decorating is in my blood):
Get a few things out. Perhaps something that was special to you before you met your now-former significant other. What brings you happiness every time you see it? A snowman (or five or ten snowmen)? Your nativity set? A special basket or floral arrangement?
Enjoy the simplicity of those few things. Next year will be better as you adjust to the new normal in your life. But don’t hide under a barrel or jump into the nearest hole. You can make it through. Hang in there and enjoy the presence of a few things that bring you joy.
How have you handled your new life as a single when Christmastime came around? I would love to get your insight.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
It can be frightening to start a new life. Maybe you didn’t have a choice in the matter or perhaps this was your decision. I want to encourage you that the best is yet to come.
This is a new chapter in your life, whether you are old of young. I’ve known gals who became divorcees in their 30s and 40s, while others lost their spouse much later in life.
I spoke with a gal just today who told me that one of her friends had been married nearly 50 years when her hubby decided younger was better and took off. How devastating!
The gal, a divorcee herself, told me that she loves her new humble-but-nice home because of the peace of mind it brings to her life. It reminded me of what we used to say when we recited the Home Interiors and Gifts’ Code of Ethics. It said in part:
We believe that the home should be a haven, a place of refuge, a place of peace, a place of harmony, and a place of beauty….
Is your home all of those things? If it isn’t, or if it hasn’t been for a while, maybe this change in your life is just what you need to get your haven back. Step out in faith that better days are coming. What are your thoughts on this?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let me tell you a story. There was (and still is!) this gal who was sharp, nice-looking, wealthy, and nice. Her hubby gave commands to “jump” and she always asked “how high?” She supported every career decision he made (note who made the decisions) and followed him around the country, always laying aside her own aspirations without complaint. None, zip, zilch, nada.
He found a younger woman and decided his wife was “old hat,” moving boatloads of their money off shore before his wife found out and put a stop to it. The guy is now dead (no, she didn’t kill him, though she might have liked to!) but, before he died, he had lost the respect of folks he knew who looked to him for spiritual guidance as well as business advice.
The other gal took good care of herself, always touching up her makeup before her hubby got home from work. Like the other gal, she worked out regularly, devoted herself to her husband’s well-being, while also having outside interests. She was well-read, to make herself more interesting to others. He found her “boring” once he spied a younger woman at work who thought he’d hung the moon.
Like the other gal, she had followed her decision-making hubby around the country, giving up her own thriving careers to support his. Like the other gal, her hubby found greener pastures to graze in.
What is the take-away? You can be a superb person and still have a wandering hubby. The guilty fellow will most likely blame you. My dear, you gave your best to this schmuck. Don’t let him (or anyone else) tell you that you didn’t deserve your husband. Dear friend, he didn’t deserve you. Keep your chin up! It wasn’t your fault!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of my former co-workers had a massive shock when he returned home from work one evening. He noticed that the house seemed a bit different when he pulled up, but it was not until he got inside his home that he realized that all of the curtains were missing. He also found that his living room was devoid of furniture.
Sure enough, he went from room to room and found nothing in them. His dining room contained a folding table and one folding chair in place of the formal dining room set that had been there that morning. He went into the kitchen and found one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one cup, one bowl, and one glass sitting on the counter next to a single kitchen towel.
He climbed the stairs, where he found his children’s bedrooms completely empty; the master bedroom’s king sized bed had been replaced by a twin bed with a set of sheets, a pillow, and a single blanket stacked on it. The bathroom had a shower curtain liner but the fancy shower curtain that he had just seen earlier that day had vanished. There was one towel and a single washcloth in the vanity.
A knock came on the door; a male neighbor was standing outside, holding a pot of stew. He told my co-worker that they had not known how to get ahold of him (this was before the days of cellphones and he had never told them where he worked), but that, as soon as he had left for work that morning, a moving van had pulled up to the house and his wife had directed the sudden move-out.
The neighbor offered to stay with him while he absorbed the information, but my co-worker thanked him, took the pot of stew, and went inside to face the fact that he was now unexpectedly single. He knew that he and his wife had been having some problems in their marriage, but he had no idea of her plans.
They eventually got divorced, with his wife keeping all of their furniture and being awarded one half of the value of the house. She was also awarded alimony and child support, but this was more than 30 years ago and men could get out of paying these monthly court-awarded fees by moving out of state.
He was so mad that he took a job in a nearby state and moved there. He did not pay her anything, saying that she had poisoned the kids against him and he would see them again when they were old enough to drive over to the state where he now lived to visit him. He could have been arrested for nonpayment of alimony and child support, had he returned to their state so he did not go there again.
Do you have a tale of woe to share? I found this story heart breaking, even though the guy was a bit of a jerk.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
The future is unknown but be of good courage. This is a pep talk for anyone who is facing an uncertain future. As a Christian, I believe that God is in control. He knows the number of hairs on our heads (and their actual color….just sayin’ here) and the days of our lives. He has a future planned for all of us that may be absolutely amazing, as we trust in Him.
Your life may not be unfolding as you planned. Maybe you lost your spouse to death or divorce. That was not in your game plan. Maybe your spouse decided that someone else looks a lot better to him or her than you do. Hang in there.
I met a young-ish gal recently who is a superb person. Her hubby decided that the cutie pie at work looked more attractive than she did. As a result, she is on her own, having given him the “best years of her life.” Folks, the best years could very well be ahead, not behind you. What she gave was her youth, but not necessarily the best years she had in her.
Hang in there, my friends. The best may very well be to come! In the meantime, please use my website as a source for “what in the world do I do now?”
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I was talking with a dear friend last night, one whose wife is just getting ready to move their household to another state where my friend got a new job. They are concerned about moving blues, and I thought you might enjoy some thoughts on the matter. Since some of you will be moving out of your family home, there are some emotional issues that you will want to take into consideration.
First, it will take about six months for you to adjust emotionally to your new normal. Studies have shown that women especially have some trouble getting used to the new location. Perhaps you have lived many years in your old home and now circumstances are requiring that you move.
Please understand that you may have dark clouds over your emotional health for a while as you adjust. You aren’t going nuts; this is normal.
Next, don’t have a Pity Party, especially if you like to serve refreshments. This will add pounds and will make you feel even worse.
Try to get involved in a new church and/or a new job as quickly as you can. Finding new friends is vital to feeling better more quickly. Your hubby might have headed off to a new job in the past. He adjusted to the move faster than a stay-at-home wife would, simply because he had new folks to chat with. Isolation will murder your emotional state, so get involved fast, for your own health. There’s nothing worse than getting into that new home and realizing that you don’t have a local friend to call to hang out with.
You might find it helpful to call an old friend and share a cup of coffee with her via the phone. We do have new options that gals a few years back didn’t have. Long distance telephone charges are no longer an issue, so you might try this as a temporary solution. Do keep it temporary, though, because you need to get back on the horse that threw you as soon as possible and got out and meet new people.
Finally, just know that this, too, shall pass. You will meet new friends who will care. Yes, it’s hard but you can do this!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
So, your marriage is over or your dearly beloved spouse has died. Where do you go from here? That’s a great question and it’s one that only you can answer.
First things first, however. You need to adjust to your new normal, whatever that is. Don’t rush into things too quickly. Yes, the swing next to you on the playground is empty, like the gal in this picture, but make sure that you have your own life together before you add anyone new to it. Baggage can weigh you down. Don’t remarry just because you need someone to take out the trash, ladies (this is not Alice’s Restaurant here!). Gentlemen, don’t rush into things just because you need someone to do the laundry and you’re running out of clothes!
This blog offers some very practical advice on how to get the garbage to the side of the curb and how to create a new wardrobe, so take some time out before you jump back into the fray. I hope you’ll take some time to explore the various topics herein and do ask questions if there’s something I didn’t cover that you’d like to read about.
Best,
Dr. Sheri