Hello everyone:
I have a new friend who was divorced several years ago. She has two children who she for whom she bears total responsibility. One of the children is autistic, having just gotten that diagnosis about the same time as her hubby departed. She gave me some advice for others who find themselves in that situation and I wanted to pass it along to you.
The first comment that she made was “Be your child’s advocate.” You know your child and what he or she is going through better than any of the professionals who meet with the child, so know your rights as a parent and stand up for your child.
Next, she told me that, while you may want to have your child tested privately, keep in mind that the school may not accept the test results and may want to do some tests of their own. While this is legal, it is not legal (at least in Maryland) for the state to run the exact same tests as your private doctor did.
She also mentioned “burnout” and “exhaustion” as too reasons why parents may give up too soon. You will grow weary as you deal with state bureaucrats but hang in there, Mom or Dad.
Make sure you have documentation for everything! You will need to prove and re-prove many issues and it is important that you keep written proof of whatever claims you are making.
Next, take someone with you when you go to talk to the teacher, the principal, or the Board of Education. You will not remember everything that is said, so it is nice to have an extra set of ears with you.
Finally, if your public school system cannot give your child the help that he or she needs, they are required to pay for your child to get a private school education, if it is determined that a private school can help.
Have you run into any issues with your own special-needs children? I would love to hear from you, with the possibility of including your comments in my next book!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever moved with little kids? Let me tell you my pre-divorce moving story.
My son was 2 1/2 when his father moved out and moved on with his life. When my son was almost four, I decided to buy a condo and move out of the apartment I had been renting. I was packing for the upcoming move when he said to me, “But Mommy, if you move, who will live with me?”
It about broke my heart- I hadn’t realized that he didn’t understand that he was coming along as well. I took him in my arms and explained about the new bedroom that he would have in our new home, and asked for his help in packing up his toys. I had originally planned to hire a sitter for the moving day, but, with his insecurity, I cancelled the sitter and put him “in charge” of moving his toys. He could not have behaved better! As a result of his involvement, there were no problems with his adjustment to the new residence.
It is so vital that we communicate with our kids, no matter their age. What moving stories do you have? I would love to hear how you handled this type of change in your life.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A very dear friend of mine is going through the dying process with her mother. Her mom fell, broke her neck, and is completely paralyzed. She went from being a fairly healthy woman of 76 to completely dependent on others for everything in one moment. She cannot swallow and cannot be fed due to the possibility of aspirating her food. Decisions are being made based on what she had told her children when she was still fit. She also has dementia.
How do you comfort the caregivers and let them know you care for them? I have been hugging my friend at every opportunity and recently told her that “I am as close as your phone.” Do you have any suggestions? I would love it if we could share how to support those we care about who are going through trials.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Are you thinking about buying a new home, perhaps in Florida? The property you have picked out looks like a lovely place and has all the amenities you could hope for but, wait, it also has a HOA. If you have never dealt with a Home Owners’ Association, you need to be aware of a couple of things.
You will need permission from the HOA to do almost anything on the outside of your house. If you want to paint, the color will have to be approved. If you need a tree cut down, you will need to get a green light from the HOA. If you have work done, you will have to do it within the time frame that the HOA documents state. That is actually good news, since it prevents your neighbors from painting their house purple with orange spots, keeps them from cutting down a historic tree, and stops them from taking five years to re-side the house.
Now for the bad news: when I worked for a builder in South Jersey, the HOA monthly fee was a pretty reasonable $25 a month. But that was because the builder supplemented the HOA fee of every homeowner. As soon as the builder moved out and moved on, the HOA fee was going to double or possibly triple. While $25 times whatever does not seem like much, what if the monthly fee had been several hundred dollars?
Before you buy that perfect new home, check into the track record of HOA fees for the property and the builder. What is the actual expected monthly fee? Can you afford it? Do you want to pay that much? It might be better to purchase a slightly-older home with few or no amenities, rather than pay an exorbitant monthly fee for as long as you own the house. Do you really need a shuffleboard court? Will you ever use the tennis courts? Do you even LIKE saunas?
Let’s do the math here- get a new house in a brand new subdivision, pay $1000 a month (or more) forever to have a pool that the HOA owns and everyone in the area uses, or buy an older house and get a pool installed that you will own, once you pay for it. Food for thought.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let me tell you a story about a widower I once knew. He was married for many years to a woman who bore him one child, a son. She died in her early 60s of lung disease caused by years of smoking. He remarried but things did not work out with wife #2 and the couple got divorced after just a few years. A couple of years later, he remarried again. This time it seemed like things would work out but one day he was diagnosed with a chronic disease that would eventually lead to death. His new wife (number 3) called the man’s sister and told her, “Come take care of him. I’m not going to do it.”
The sister obeyed, taking care of the now-elderly man until he died a few months later. After the funeral, wife #3 told the son to come over to the house. He did and was led to a room where three used sports shirts were laying on the bed. He was told that he could have one of them to remember his father by. He picked one and was informed that the shirt was his total inheritance. Wife #3 got everything else. A few months after that, wife #3’s daughter had her declared incompetent by the state and the daughter took everything her mother had claimed as hers. As a result of not having a prenuptial agreement, the son got nothing but a threadbare shirt; a daughter who barely knew the elderly man ended up with all of his worldly goods.
While I do not usually care for prenuptial agreements, there are times when they come in handy. I am not a lawyer and do not pretend to be one, but if you intend to re-marry, you better make sure that your kids are provided for and that you carefully consider what you are about to do. “Marry in haste, repent at leisure” as the old saying goes.
What stories can you share about remarriages? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of the hardest things for a people-pleaser to do is to say “no” when someone makes a request. If you are serious about your future, sometimes you have to turn down a request to do something.
When starting college or a new job or caring for elderly family members, this is something you need to be able to say pretty quickly, or you will miss deadlines or wear yourself out. I used to be very active in my church, but taking on home schooling and a double major in college made it so I could no longer be at church every time the doors opened. The amazing thing is that they replaced me pretty quickly. Ladies’ banquets still got planned and thrown, missionaries still got treated to a home cooked meal when they arrived, and children still got babysat in the nursery. And this happened all without my showing up to open up and set up and staying to lock up the church at the end of the event. What an eye-opener!
While I did enjoy continuing my involvement with the adult choir and Passion Plays, everything else could wait until I finished college. It took 14 years for me to complete my education, but the church is still running. The good thing about saying “no” is that you give someone else the opportunity to serve. You can still support the ministries through prayer; you can still support any causes you believe in through donations or encouragement. The bottom line is: You don’t have to do it all yourself! I have found that, if the cause is worthwhile, 100% of the time someone else steps up and does the job you felt you absolutely had to do.
What have you learned about saying “no?” How did you get over your feelings of being the only one who could do or run something? I would love to hear your thoughts!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Suddenly Single is currently with several publishers, who are considering putting the book into print. I would covet your prayers for the right match at the right time, which will be God’s perfect will for the book.
In the meantime, I am beginning work on a new book, which is Suddenly Single for Married Couples: A Practical Guide to Hoping for the Best but Preparing for the Worst. I would love to include your knowledge in the book. The book comes from the viewpoint that there are many things that a married couple can do to prepare for the inevitable: that one or both of the partners will not be here sometime in the future. I would love to include your experience, your story, and your thoughts. If you know of something that might help others, would you please send me a reply posting? Thanks ever so much! (Your name and identifying details will not appear in the book).
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Yesterday, my Internet service failed. When calling the wonderful folks at BHN, I was connected with a young man who was blessed with horrid diction, a soft-spoken manner, and a rapid-fire delivery. Things went downhill from there.
After a few minutes of attempting to interpret what he was saying, I came to realize that he was asking for my husband’s security questions or the last four digits of my hubby’s driver’s license. I had neither. The thing is, I do not sign on the account, and the service man assumed the worst in my request to get Internet service restored to the condo. I do not know what he thought I planned on doing, but apparently it wasn’t good.
Things continued to deteriorate as he basically inferred that I was the source of the problem. Somehow, I had managed to interrupt my own Internet service……but it was unclear what I had done to cause this. After about 15 minutes of increasing frustration, I hung up. Immediately, I got a call from BHN, asking me to answer a brief survey. Oh, did I have things to tell them!
After answering their questions and re-living my frustration over the experience, I (still Internet-less) called them back. This time, I was connected with a fantastic fellow named Stan whose greatest desire was to return my Internet service. He wanted no driver’s license number or security questions; he merely wanted to serve my Internet needs. Bless his heart! We were up and running in less than 5 minutes.
Have you ever faced a similar problem? I would love to hear about your experiences.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I am in the process of interviewing folks for my second book, which has the subtitle you see above. I recently interviewed a dear friend who told me very candidly about her new relationship with her elderly parents.
They are in chronic ill health and she is now responsible for paying their bills and watching over their care. She also helps support them because they did not make adequate plans for their financial future when they were younger. She admits that this has been a great strain, but she looks on it as a blessing that she can minister to them in such a way.
What kind of plans have you made for your elderly parents, if they are still alive? I would love to hear what you have in place for caring for those who cannot care for themselves any longer.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
What do you think makes someone beautiful? Is it the inner glow or a well-turned makeup and hair job? Do you think it is the combination of these internal and external things? Sometimes when women are divorced, with hubbies who left them for someone younger or prettier, they feel badly about themselves. I hope this blog will make you feel better as we talk about what happened to me a short time ago.
Recently, I attended a conference where a friend of mine was going to give a presentation. Someone else had the room right before she did, so we entered and sat in the back, waiting for her turn. As it happened, the previous speaker was a radical feminist who was sharing her view of the world.
When the workshop was over, my friend and I headed for the front of the room, to get things ready for her presentation. The feminist cornered me and said, “I just want you to know that you don’t need to dye your hair anymore. You can stop curling your hair and you should dump that silly flower. You can stop wearing makeup and you don’t need jewelry or fancy clothes anymore. Wear jeans and T-shirts and be comfortable.”
Before I could respond, she went on her way. Now folks, your author is someone whose theme song as a child was “I Enjoy Being a Girl.” If you have seen my picture on the Suddenly Single website, you should know that I do not go out of the house without my hair done, my makeup on, and my “silly flower” firmly planted in my hair. I wear jewelry, though not to excess, and try to always look my best. Why? Because I feel better about myself when I do it. This is not something I started or stopped based on my marital status, it is simply what I have always done.
What do you think about the feminist’s comments to me? How would you have responded? I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
P.S. Yes, I dye my hair. My former pastor always said, “If the barn needs painting, paint it.” I choose to use brown paint. I also always wear a flower in my hair. Do you know the secret of that? Hot glue or plant early.