Hello everyone:
I meet people all the time, usually widows, whose lives are not turning out the way they had planned. They had pictured their sunset years being spent with their dearly beloved hubbies and then the fellows up and died on them. Another group of gals I meet had thought the men they had given their hearts to would always be there, until one day they weren’t, having thought the grass was greener elsewhere (honey, that’s because it’s over the septic tank, as Erma Brombeck used to say).
What’s next in your life? Take stock of where you are financially. Where will you live? How will you support yourself? While I realize you are going through a very emotionally draining time, you have to figure out how you will live and how you will eat next week, next month, next year, and years from now. It’s not romantic, but it is necessary.
If you are a widow, then things may be pretty cut and dried. Your hubby hopefully left a life insurance policy that you can benefit from and made some financial plans for your future without him.
If you are a divorcee, then maybe things aren’t so rosy, especially if your hubby had the opportunity to stash some joint assets (cash) before he hit the road (or tried to get you to leave home by making it miserable for you if you stayed).
In any event, find those documents you hoped you’d never need and get someone in the know to explain what they mean to your financial future. I met a gal recently whose former in-laws got her to sign over her rights to her deceased husband’s life insurance policy, saying “we’ll take care of you.” I’m not a lawyer and I’m not giving you any legal advice, but don’t sign anything over to anybody until you talk to an attorney and find out your rights.
Hang in there. This, too, shall pass and you will make it!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Perhaps you are a suddenly-divorced person or a unexpectedly-widowed individual. Maybe your spouse announced that he or she no longer wanted to live in the same state as you do or perchance your spouse got hit by a bus and never came back home. Whatever the case, you did not plan on this new road. Your possibly carefully-planned life ahead has now taken a massive shift and you are stuck not knowing what to do or where to turn.
While this sounds horribly morbid (and possibly is), you can make a new way for yourself. Let’s chat for a few minutes here. What is something you have always wanted to do but your spouse was never on board with it? What have you always wanted to learn or experience or visit? What are your wildest dreams that somehow always got pushed aside for other concerns?
Guess what? Financial concerns aside, perhaps this is the opportunity you have waited for your whole life. Perhaps you always dreamed of learning to ballroom dance but you spouse hated it…there is probably an Arthur Murray studio somewhere nearby. Go for it! You don’t need a partner (they will supply one) and this is your chance to pretend you’re on Dancing with the Stars. (Have you checked out Drew Scott dancing to The Rainbow Connection- that’s worth a visit to the website).
A very good friend of mine loves helping people whose lives have been changed by disasters. Her hubby wouldn’t have liked her to be gone at the drop of a hat, but she’s a widow now and so off she goes. She helps change the lives of others for the better at a time when they may be grieving or facing a some natural disaster. She’s right there to support and guide them.
Yes, your life is different now. Would you have chosen this new road? Probably not. But you’re here now, so go for it and live your dreams.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When do you decide that Mom or Dad needs more help than you can give them? How do you know what’s best for their time of life?
These can be hard questions to answer. The gal in this picture looks happy and vital but she may have physical needs that go beyond her family’s ability to cope. I have a dear friend whose mother has been a happy, pleasant, kind person her whole life. She was a super wife and wonderful mother. But now she needs help.
I have some other friends who are making decisions about their father’s care. He has been there for them their entire lives. He has been a superb father and a loving husband. A recent fall has accelerated his need for assistance.
Another friend from church has an ailing wife. She has had cancer for several years and neither of them can attend church anymore because she can’t be left alone and can’t take the chance that someone at church will make her sick. With her cancer, a simple cold could kill her. What is her family to do?
We, as family members, are faced with a dilemma: how do we do the best for our loved one who is in need while not ignoring the responsibilities of our immediate family? Therein lies the problem. If we spend too much time away from our own family, that can cause relationship problems. If we don’t spend enough time with our loved one who needs us, that person could fail more quickly than he or she would otherwise.
I believe that the best way to handle this is through prayer and through understanding the needs of the people involved. If you finances will allow for a private duty nurse or CNA, that might be the best solution for your family. If there is a good adult daycare in your area, that might help others. Perhaps assisted living is the best route for now; there are some excellent homes out there where your loved one can have some degree of independence while he or she is in this “new normal” life.
It would be a blessing to hear how your family has handled the delicate situation you have faced. Do post your comments and thoughts, so that we can all reach out to help others at this difficult time.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
The movie The Second Best Marigold Hotel opens with the elderly character Evelyn Greenslade (Judi Dench) trying to sign up for internet service on what was her late husband’s account.
The customer service representative on the other end of the phone line repeatedly insists on speaking to Mr. Greenslade, since his name was the only one on the account. The representative refuses to tell Evelyn anything; Evelyn informs the woman that she can’t talk to him because he is dead.
As it turns out, not only can Evelyn not change anything with their internet service provider, but her late husband ran them into the ground financially. His untimely heart attack has left Evelyn impoverished and needing to sell their family home and all of their possessions in order to pay back his debt.
Evelyn has been kept completely in the dark about their financial situation and she ends up moving to India, to live in a second-rate hotel. Her monetary situation is so precarious that she needs to find a job, having to work for the first time in her life.
Several gals have told me their tales of woe with customer service agents who refuse to change the names on their electric, gas, or water bills. What worked for them was to have the names on the account, such as Mr. John Smith, changed to Mrs. John Smith as a way around receiving a monthly bill for someone who is six feet under.
What ideas do you have for meeting this challenge?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever gotten stuck, really stuck in a rain storm and not known how to use your car’s windshield wipers? Maybe you’ve borrowed a friend or family member’s car. Perhaps you have rented a car to take you to that first big job interview.
And then it begins to rain. Folks, that’s not the time to search for the location of the wipers. It’s also not the best time to figure out how to turn them on (every car is different, or so it seems).
I was on a trip to Florida, which is known for torrential rainstorms, when suddenly it began to pour. I was about an hour and a half from my condo when the storm struck and it was as if someone was standing by the side of the road, pouring water on my car.
It was dark, which didn’t help matters one iota. The streetlights were few and far between which made things worse. And then I couldn’t figure out which way to flick the wiper switch. (It was not intuitively obvious!)
Here’s my personal recommendation: figure this out before you get on the road, especially if rain is forecast. Have you ever had this challenge? It’s not fun, trust me. Next time, perhaps I’ll talk about trying to open the gas door on an unfamiliar car, and wanting to refill your tank before you run out. Another issue: the location of the gas gauge isn’t always where you expect- you could be looking at the engine temperature light instead. (And you thought you were just getting great gas mileage!)
Have a great day and feel free to share your tales of woe.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I don’t usually address the emotional aspects of becoming suddenly single, but a student of mine reminded me today of just how devastating it can be. It’s not the same as losing a spouse to death, since the dead spouse most likely wanted to be with you and your children. The divorced spouse didn’t.
One thing I find is, when someone says he or she “wants their own space,” it’s because they’ve found someone else to fill it. That is extremely difficult, especially if you are a faithful spouse who wanted to spend the rest of your life with your hubby or wife.
What can you do? I suggest joining a group of folks in the same boat, such as DivorceCare, which is available at many churches these days. Even denominations that do not condone divorce are offering it, and I understand that it can be very helpful.
The thing I want to tell you is that you are a good person. You are worthwhile; you are loved by someone, even if that person is no longer your wayward spouse. You can get through this and you will make it. Once you understand that, please do return again and again to my website, where you will find helpful tips for “what do I do now” and “what do I need to do next.”
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
My great aunt never married, never had any children, and never confessed to ever having had a beau. She was something in her prime, with a pretty smile and great legs. She was a career woman before the idea was popular. She lived with her maiden sisters, who died within 12 days of each other while they were all middle aged.
As she got older, she ended up with no teeth and breast cancer stole her …well, you know. She still worked a full time job, albeit for the undertaker, at the age of 93 1/4.
She died a few years back and, though she is gone, she is still remembered, as I was reminded when I got her church newsletter last week. My great aunt absolutely loved her church family. They were the husband she never had, the children she never birthed, and the brothers and sisters she lost. she adored them and they loved her back. One of her many friends donated some money in her memory in honor of her birthday; another friend placed flowers on the altar in honor of what would have been her 102nd birthday.
What a lovely testimony to someone caring for the church like Christ did, and gave Himself for it. She knew everyone at church, their background, and all of their children’s names in order of their births and who they married. She did it, not as a gossip, but as someone who was totally devoted to others.
Do you know someone like that? It would be so great if you could send them a card or place flowers on the altar to honor them for their special day. I would love to know who that person is in your life, and to share that memory with my readers.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
While visiting in Florida, where I have cable, I binge watch home improvement shows while teaching online. Have you seen some of the ideas that home owners apparently thought would work well?
Some homeowners cemented their entire backyard. Perhaps they thought the new owners wouldn’t enjoy mowing. Maybe the owners could have gotten a “pass” on this if they had taken the time to paint it green (more grass-like but without the weeds?). The good news is that poly silk flowers were not “planted” to accent the concrete.
Another owner installed a black toilet in a white bathroom. Everything was white except for the toilet. Multiculturalism at its finest? What was he or she thinking?
Another couple had a hand-painted mermaid on their bathroom wall. The gal who painted it was not gifted artistically. When their realtor suggested painting a neutral color over it, the man hugged his weeping wife, whose handiwork it was. Oh, my.
This must be a “bathroom post” because some other owners had developed a leak in their bathtub and shower stalls so they used roofing material to coat the floors in both bathrooms. This is not recommended, either.
What should you do? If you decide to sell your home, contact your local full time real estate agent and get his or her to walk your property. Get a list of what he or she thinks would be needed to sell your home for the highest price in the quickest time frame and do it, if finances permit. I have other blog postings on this topic, so you will want to visit those postings, as well, for more information along this line.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of the most difficult things to witness is to watch a loved one, probably a parent, descend into the world of dementia. You see someone who you have loved and respected your whole life turn an invisible corner and disappear, even though the person is still in your presence.
Does this individual have trouble walking and talking at the same time? Perhaps he or she tries to cope by stopping dead still and asking “what?” so that you will repeat what you just said. This allows the person additional time to process what you said without seeming to do so. He or she will then answer your question before moving on. It has become too difficult to do more than one thing at a time, so the individual will use a coping mechanism to imperceptibly adjust to his or her new normal. You need to be aware of this change because it can signal what is coming next.
Does the person suddenly have trouble walking? This is also a sign that dementia is taking over the person’s life. It is now overtaking yours as well, if you are the caregiver. Your pace will have to slow down or you may contribute to the tripping hazard of an elderly person (though dementia patients are not always elderly) trying to keep up with you.
Does the loved one have trouble eating? Difficulty swallowing will come next, with the possibility of aspirating the food he or she has just chewed. Try to keep an eye on this or disaster could result.
These are hard things to watch, but I imagine they are even harder to live through. I have heard it likened to trying to draw a picture of something while observing the subject of the picture in a mirror. It is not for the faint of heart.
What tips do you have for dealing with the demne
Hi Everyone:
I am in the process of beginning research for folks who have never been married. If you are over 18 and single, would you please tell me what concerns you most about your future? What would be the most helpful information for you in your present situation. Are you are caregiver? What is your age range? Are you 18-25? 26-35? 36-47? 48-65? over 65? Do you have children? Do you have financial concerns?
I am gathering information for the purpose of talking to professionals who handle the type of questions you have. I will not reveal your name or location, but it would be great to chat with you about these topics.
Best,
Dr. Sheri