Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is about knowing when to move Mom or Dad. I hope you find it helpful!
According to a pastor I spoke with, most of the time at his church, he sees Baby Boomers caring for aging parents. They have to make decisions regarding their parents’ health and financial matters. They go to their parents’ home every week to take care of medical and care needs. This adds an incredible strain to their marriages, as well as taking a great deal of their time. He found that caregivers in situations like this frequently lose contact with their own spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. They believe that no one can care for their parents the way that they can, so they devote a great deal of time and energy to the task. Sometimes they talk about moving their parents, but this leaves the parent with no network of people who care, no church, and increases the financial strain on the family. If the parents move, they don’t know anyone in their new location, especially if they have become shut-ins. The pastors go to see Mrs. Jones, for example, but she doesn’t know anyone else in that area.
The pastor had a superb solution: he and his wife moved his widowed mother to a new home close to theirs before her need arose. She had watched her friends die or move away and was becoming increasingly alone in the neighborhood and church where she had lived and worshiped for the past 40 years. She was running out of people that she knew, so her son and his wife moved her while she was still active and could make new friends. People build community around you. She moved a lot earlier than she needed to but now she is making new friends and building a new life at her new church. If this is not a possibility, find a balance or it will consume your family.
What suggestions do you have for knowing when you need to help your parents move? What was the biggest challenge to you as a son or daughter to help make that move go smoothly? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog shares information from my second book, which I am presently working on. This excerpt talks about caring for an elderly family member and is based on an interview I did with one of the pastors from my church. I hope you find it helpful.
According to a pastor I spoke with, most of the time at his church, he sees Baby Boomers caring for aging parents. They have to make decisions regarding their parents’ health and financial matters. They go to their parents’ home every week to take care of medical and care needs. This adds an incredible strain to their marriages, as well as taking a great deal of their time. He found that caregivers in situations like this frequently lose contact with their own spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. They believe that no one can care for their parents the way that they can. So they devote a great deal of time and energy to the task. Sometimes they talk about moving their parents, but this leaves the parent with no network of people who care, no church, and increases the financial strain on the family. If the parents move, they don’t know anyone in their new location, especially if they have become shut-ins. The pastors go to see Mrs. Jones, for example, but she doesn’t know anyone else in that area.
The pastor had a superb solution: he and his wife moved his widowed mother to a new home close to theirs before her need arose. She had watched her friends die or move away and was becoming increasingly alone in the neighborhood and church where she had lived and worshipped for the past 40 years. She was running out of people that she knew, so her son and his wife moved her while she was still active and could make new friends. People build community around you. She moved a lot earlier than she needed to but now she is making new friends and building a new life at her new church. If this is not a possibility, find a balance or it will consume your family.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog asks the question: how do you pay for it all? A friend of mine recently found herself in an awkward situation:
She’s divorced, her ex does not pay any child support, her mother was ill and elderly, she is nearing retirement age herself, and her son is preparing to enter high school and is discussing colleges he might like to attend. So, how is she to pay for all of her son’s expenses, a nursing home for her demented mother, prepare for her own retirement, and pay for at least four years of college?
As it turned out, her mother died unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago and she found out that her son is doing so well in middle school that he will be taking all honors classes in high school. This will increase the likelihood that he will be able to get a scholarship, especially since he is also gifted at sailing and one of the colleges he is considering offers sailing scholarships. She may need to keep working longer than she originally thought but she is making plans for her future financial security.
What things have you been doing as a newly-single person to shore up your elderly years? If you haven’t given it much thought, you should.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A friend of mine is a caregiver for his brother who has mental problems (mildly retarded and a paranoid schizophrenic). One day, my friend’s wife was entertaining some friends in the downstairs living room while her brother-in-law was preparing to take a shower upstairs. He couldn’t find a towel, so he walked into the gathering to ask the wife where the towels were. The thing was, he was not wearing any clothes. He did not seem the least put out by his lack of garments, but the ladies sitting in their pastor’s home were rather embarrassed. (Yes, my friend is a pastor!)
What did she do? Well, she helped him return to the bathroom and gave him the towel he needed. From then on, my friend and his wife made sure that the brother had a showering schedule that did not coincide with a visit from the church ladies, and they made certain that everything was in its rightful place when shower time arrived.
My hat is off to those of you dear readers who provide care for a disabled family member. Your burden is great; one day, your reward will be be great, as well. Do any of you have a story you would like to share? I am in the process of writing book number two in the Suddenly Single series and would love to include your story in the book, as well.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A very dear friend of mine is going through the dying process with her mother. Her mom fell, broke her neck, and is completely paralyzed. She went from being a fairly healthy woman of 76 to completely dependent on others for everything in one moment. She cannot swallow and cannot be fed due to the possibility of aspirating her food. Decisions are being made based on what she had told her children when she was still fit. She also has dementia.
How do you comfort the caregivers and let them know you care for them? I have been hugging my friend at every opportunity and recently told her that “I am as close as your phone.” Do you have any suggestions? I would love it if we could share how to support those we care about who are going through trials.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of the hardest things for a people-pleaser to do is to say “no” when someone makes a request. If you are serious about your future, sometimes you have to turn down a request to do something.
When starting college or a new job or caring for elderly family members, this is something you need to be able to say pretty quickly, or you will miss deadlines or wear yourself out. I used to be very active in my church, but taking on home schooling and a double major in college made it so I could no longer be at church every time the doors opened. The amazing thing is that they replaced me pretty quickly. Ladies’ banquets still got planned and thrown, missionaries still got treated to a home cooked meal when they arrived, and children still got babysat in the nursery. And this happened all without my showing up to open up and set up and staying to lock up the church at the end of the event. What an eye-opener!
While I did enjoy continuing my involvement with the adult choir and Passion Plays, everything else could wait until I finished college. It took 14 years for me to complete my education, but the church is still running. The good thing about saying “no” is that you give someone else the opportunity to serve. You can still support the ministries through prayer; you can still support any causes you believe in through donations or encouragement. The bottom line is: You don’t have to do it all yourself! I have found that, if the cause is worthwhile, 100% of the time someone else steps up and does the job you felt you absolutely had to do.
What have you learned about saying “no?” How did you get over your feelings of being the only one who could do or run something? I would love to hear your thoughts!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I am in the process of interviewing folks for my second book, which has the subtitle you see above. I recently interviewed a dear friend who told me very candidly about her new relationship with her elderly parents.
They are in chronic ill health and she is now responsible for paying their bills and watching over their care. She also helps support them because they did not make adequate plans for their financial future when they were younger. She admits that this has been a great strain, but she looks on it as a blessing that she can minister to them in such a way.
What kind of plans have you made for your elderly parents, if they are still alive? I would love to hear what you have in place for caring for those who cannot care for themselves any longer.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I used to teach with a couple, Larry and Sue, who had a profoundly mentally handicapped son. They had other grown children, but Joe (let’s call him that) still lived at home. He was in his 40s, able to perform very basic personal hygiene tasks, and perfectly healthy.
As I sat at lunch with this couple and some of our other colleagues, I asked what would happen to Joe if and when something happened to them. Larry told me, “Sue and I have that all worked out. We have been planning for years and have the money laid aside for Joe to be well-cared for. He goes to the home where he will eventually live several times a week now, so that he can get used to it. He does well with planned activities and we know he needs to have routines well-established.” Sue nodded and told me, “It’s not fair for us to burden our other children with Joe’s care. They have their own lives and families. Joe is our responsibility.”
A few years passed; Larry retired. Six weeks later, he died of a heart attack. Sue was bereft, but she carried on. A few more years passed and Sue retired. She died very suddenly shortly after retirement, as well. They had both been in their mid-sixties and had every appearance of being healthy. Joe’s life has fallen into place just as they planned.
Another couple I know has a mentally disabled son. He is in his teens and is very healthy. He cannot do more than very basic personal tasks and is unable to speak. His parents are in their 50s. They have no arrangements made for his future care, but I really wish they did.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of the greatest needs that caregivers have is the need to take care of themselves. You absolutely have to be able to take a break. A friend of mine and her hubby have cared for her mother in their home for more than four years. The elderly woman is in great health and is very sweet, but she has signs of dementia and has to be watched. All the time.
What can a caregiver do? One thing my friends have done is to drop the mother off with friends who own an assisted-living home twice a week for a few hours. It makes such a difference in the quality of their own lives. They have a few hours two times a week to run errands, go to their own appointments, take a nap, or go out with friends to see a movie.
The hubby of this couple is a skin diving enthusiast. He schedules an occasional dive trip to get exercise and to relieve some of the stress from the daily responsibilities they face. She recently went on a sightseeing trip with a longtime friend. They have each coped in their own way, but the key was to find a way to get a little time off. I hope that you can also find a way to get this much-needed time for yourself as you deal with the situation your loved one is facing at this time of life.
Best,
Sheri