Hello everyone:
What do you think makes someone beautiful? Is it the inner glow or a well-turned makeup and hair job? Do you think it is the combination of these internal and external things? Sometimes when women are divorced, with hubbies who left them for someone younger or prettier, they feel badly about themselves. I hope this blog will make you feel better as we talk about what happened to me a short time ago.
Recently, I attended a conference where a friend of mine was going to give a presentation. Someone else had the room right before she did, so we entered and sat in the back, waiting for her turn. As it happened, the previous speaker was a radical feminist who was sharing her view of the world.
When the workshop was over, my friend and I headed for the front of the room, to get things ready for her presentation. The feminist cornered me and said, “I just want you to know that you don’t need to dye your hair anymore. You can stop curling your hair and you should dump that silly flower. You can stop wearing makeup and you don’t need jewelry or fancy clothes anymore. Wear jeans and T-shirts and be comfortable.”
Before I could respond, she went on her way. Now folks, your author is someone whose theme song as a child was “I Enjoy Being a Girl.” If you have seen my picture on the Suddenly Single website, you should know that I do not go out of the house without my hair done, my makeup on, and my “silly flower” firmly planted in my hair. I wear jewelry, though not to excess, and try to always look my best. Why? Because I feel better about myself when I do it. This is not something I started or stopped based on my marital status, it is simply what I have always done.
What do you think about the feminist’s comments to me? How would you have responded? I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
P.S. Yes, I dye my hair. My former pastor always said, “If the barn needs painting, paint it.” I choose to use brown paint. I also always wear a flower in my hair. Do you know the secret of that? Hot glue or plant early.
Hello everyone:
Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? I conducted a very informal survey today and here is what some of the folks told me:
A very hard-working (and very slender) friend said that she resolves each year to “see more movies, eat more chocolate, and have more fun.” Life is short!
An elderly gentleman at the mall said he resolves to “stay alive.” A noble thought, there!
His wife said she resolves to “be happy.” She always seemed happy to me, but perhaps not.
Their coffee-drinking companion said that he doesn’t have any resolutions but that the additional walkers at the mall and at his health club apparently did. He wonders how long their resolutions will last. Things will settle down, he said, and in a few weeks he will have better access the to machines at his club.
My banker said she resolves not to resolve anything. She doesn’t like the idea of being stuck with resolutions only once a year, as if you can’t start any new lifestyle change at any time other than January. She said that if you want to do something new, just do it. Sounds a bit like a Nike ad!
What about your own resolutions? Perhaps you need to resolve to forgive the former spouse that hurt you or forgive yourself for what you see as your own failure to notice that your loved one was ill before it was too late. Maybe your resolution needs to concern your memories regarding your handling of the aftermath of that divorce or passing. Perhaps you need to resolve that you will drop the browbeating you have been giving yourself and move on. Whatever your resolutions, or lack thereof, I hope that 2017 is a better year than 2016.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Since we are getting ready for a New Year, here are some ideas for the suddenly single individual.
When you are alone, it is easy to fall into the habit of eating meals at your kitchen counter or in front of the television. Instead, why not make a New Year’s Resolution to make a point of sitting at your dining room or kitchen table, with a fully-set place setting?
Put your silverware, napkin, glass, and plate at your place and make a point of focusing on what you are eating as you partake of a meal. A suddenly-single friend told me that you will find yourself eating less than you would if you eat with the intention of just eating. She calls it “mindful eating.”
As you begin this new habit, remember that each day is a gift. We are not promised any tomorrows, so let’s make the best of today.
Happy New Year!
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I used to teach with a couple, Larry and Sue, who had a profoundly mentally handicapped son. They had other grown children, but Joe (let’s call him that) still lived at home. He was in his 40s, able to perform very basic personal hygiene tasks, and perfectly healthy.
As I sat at lunch with this couple and some of our other colleagues, I asked what would happen to Joe if and when something happened to them. Larry told me, “Sue and I have that all worked out. We have been planning for years and have the money laid aside for Joe to be well-cared for. He goes to the home where he will eventually live several times a week now, so that he can get used to it. He does well with planned activities and we know he needs to have routines well-established.” Sue nodded and told me, “It’s not fair for us to burden our other children with Joe’s care. They have their own lives and families. Joe is our responsibility.”
A few years passed; Larry retired. Six weeks later, he died of a heart attack. Sue was bereft, but she carried on. A few more years passed and Sue retired. She died very suddenly shortly after retirement, as well. They had both been in their mid-sixties and had every appearance of being healthy. Joe’s life has fallen into place just as they planned.
Another couple I know has a mentally disabled son. He is in his teens and is very healthy. He cannot do more than very basic personal tasks and is unable to speak. His parents are in their 50s. They have no arrangements made for his future care, but I really wish they did.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog may seem a bit unusual for Christmas Day but I wanted to share with you a recent experience with an elderly relative. He lives alone, following the death of his beloved wife two + years ago. He was put on Flomax three months ago, but unknown to his other relatives, he did not tell them that he also started taking a “vitamin” for sleeplessness at the same time.
Sadly, the “vitamin’s” side effects mimicked the side effects for Flomax and he ended up catatonic. Fortunately, his daughter was with him when his problem emerged and she was able to call 911. He recovered completely, after almost two days in the hospital.
The lesson here is: let your family members and your doctors know everything that you take. We wasted valuable diagnostic time by not knowing until day two that he was taking a sleep aid. He could have died, but we are very thankful that, once we realized what the problem was, he could be treated.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
For today’s blog, I wanted to share this absolutely outstanding version of “Mary, Did You Know.” It is incredible and I hope it is a blessing to you.
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=WP7Z6PNX I had hoped to link it directly, but you need to copy and paste it into your browser.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
This might be an unexpected blog posting, but have you thought about sending notes to folks who are ill? You may have gotten a lot of letters or emails or phone calls from others during your time of bereavement, but you can now be a blessing to someone else. Who knows better than you do what the other person is going through? Your thoughtful comments would mean so much to someone who is hurting.
Here are some tips on how to approach this:
You do not need a fancy, pre-printed card. Food stores (like Safeway, in my neck of the woods) carry blank greeting cards that are available by the packet. I buy some pretty cards in bulk and then send them out as the need arises (it always arises).
Do not tell the other person “I know exactly how you feel.” Obviously, you don’t, but you can share your own personal experience that is similar to what they are facing. Do not make this all about yourself, however.
Mention what the person is experiencing (“I heard that you recently lost your (mother, sister, husband, whoever) and wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers”). You can then tell the individual about your own connection to their grief (“I remember when John walked out, and understand what that feels like….”). Offer assistance, if you wish (“I would love to come over and cook dinner for you on Tuesday night….”) or just let the friend know that you are available (“I am here if you would like to talk about this or if you just want to have a cup of coffee sometime”). Close the note with assurances (“This is a difficult time but …”). Do not tell the person that he or she will laugh about it some day. There might not be any laughing about this for years, especially if John wiped her out financially when he left to go live with that hussy.
This is not something that takes a lot of time, but it can really be an encouragement to the other person. It can also help with your own healing, as you reach out to someone else who is going through difficult circumstances right now.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello gentlemen:
This blog is especially for you today. It’s Christmas; your wife always did all of the wrapping. You did not have a clue about how to do it, but you did enjoy watching your children open their gifts. Here are some quick tips on how to do this with the least amount of hassle:
First, make sure you have scissors, scotch tape (sorry fellows, this is not the place for your beloved duct tape, no matter how tempting that seems!), gift tags (you can buy them in bulk in the Christmas section of most food stores), wrapping paper, and your gift list. Note: If you are trying to keep things financially even between your children, make a list of who is getting what, how much it cost, and if it is tree-ready. Keep the list hidden from your kids, but don’t forget where you put it. Keep your receipts with the list, in case you need to return something. Also note: I keep receipts for all presents because you never know when something will need to go back.
Wrap your presents on an ironing board that has been set up or on a high counter. This way, you will not hurt your back by leaning over a table or by sitting on the floor to wrap large presents. To avoid stress, do not wait until Christmas eve to wrap your gifts. Write out the gift tag before you wrap the gift, so that you don’t have to unwrap the gift when you are finished because you got distracted and now you can’t remember what is inside.
Wrap big presents first, so that you are sure that you have enough wrapping paper to cover the box. Save the small leftover pieces to wrap smaller gifts and stocking stuffers. Here goes!
Take the sheet of wrapping paper while it is still on the tube, pull some paper out, and place the gift on it, face down. You need to make sure that you have enough paper to go halfway up on each end, so that you can wrap the ends of the present. Tape the paper to one side of the gift. Pull the paper to meet this edge (with a couple of inches of overlap) and carefully cut the paper to fit. Tape this edge over top of the first edge. Fold the sides of the remaining edges up and tape them securely. Flip the present over and add the gift tag and a bow. (Note: If you are traveling, add the bows to the presents when you arrive at your destination or they will be crushed in transit.)
Since you will usually have leftover paper that you don’t want to have unroll, I secure the leftover paper with a rubber band and store the paper for the next time I wrap presents. If you do this in several sessions, you will find it more enjoyable and less tiring. If you are giving gift cards, it is still nice to put them in a small wrapped box with a bow on top. Baby steps, fellas! Let me know if you have any questions!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A new suddenly single friend asked me this morning “How do you rebuild?” She had been married for 24 years when her hubby unexpectedly asked her for a divorce. Her life has not been the same since.
She works more than one job and has temporarily had to put her goals of writing aside to work in retail so that she has some steady income available. She is looking for full time work, so that she can buy a house in which to raise her son. It hasn’t been easy.
How do you rebuild from this type of unplanned event? She never thought that her marriage would fail, yet it did. Perhaps the best place to start is with the realization that you are not alone. The Census Bureau says that last year there were over 800,000 divorces in America. This may be some small comfort, especially if you are now living in poverty (she isn’t, but the chances of it happening to a gal are not as unlikely as it may seem. Many women are left without the financial resources to support themselves following the end of their marriages).
Next, sit down with a qualified financial professional and see what he or she recommends you do. Look at your monetary assets and liabilities and try to get a handle on exactly where you stand, financially speaking.
If you have access to a support group, that would be a good place to vent over what has happened. You don’t want to become an emotional burden to your friends and family as you unload about what happened (though they do care and should be kept in the loop with regards to any big decisions you make), but you do need some safe place to share your inner turmoil.
Finally, take things one day at a time or one hour at a time or one minute at a time until you are able to put together your “new normal.” Life is going to be different, but sometimes that isn’t a bad thing. Someone once told me, “You don’t want to spend the rest of your life married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you.” Food for thought, my friends!
Take care,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I was driving back from the mall today when I heard an ad that I could not believe. It was for a male enhancement drug center that wanted to help men who were, apparently, cheating on their wives. It went something like this: They asked if the men in the audience were in a situation where they wanted to get intimate with someone, but they realized that things were not working well downstairs (to put this as delicately as possible). They then asked the audience, “So who are you going to talk about this with? Your wife????”
I could only imagine that conversation” “Hey honey, I was with Susie the other day and……..” After laughing out loud for a few minutes, it came to me that many women are in exactly that situation. It wasn’t funny any more, it was incredibly sad. It is a sad statement on our society when an ad like that one could air on the radio and no one (except me and maybe some of you) would find it strange.
It is almost as bad as the television ad one of my students showed during her speech yesterday. The ad was for makeup and one of the models for the product was a cross-dressing man. I gasped, “That’s a man!” and one of the students turned to me and said, “That’s the new normal.”
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you feel that these ads are simply part of “the new normal,” or were you as horrified as I was?
Best,
Dr. Sheri