Hello everyone:
Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? I conducted a very informal survey today and here is what some of the folks told me:
A very hard-working (and very slender) friend said that she resolves each year to “see more movies, eat more chocolate, and have more fun.” Life is short!
An elderly gentleman at the mall said he resolves to “stay alive.” A noble thought, there!
His wife said she resolves to “be happy.” She always seemed happy to me, but perhaps not.
Their coffee-drinking companion said that he doesn’t have any resolutions but that the additional walkers at the mall and at his health club apparently did. He wonders how long their resolutions will last. Things will settle down, he said, and in a few weeks he will have better access the to machines at his club.
My banker said she resolves not to resolve anything. She doesn’t like the idea of being stuck with resolutions only once a year, as if you can’t start any new lifestyle change at any time other than January. She said that if you want to do something new, just do it. Sounds a bit like a Nike ad!
What about your own resolutions? Perhaps you need to resolve to forgive the former spouse that hurt you or forgive yourself for what you see as your own failure to notice that your loved one was ill before it was too late. Maybe your resolution needs to concern your memories regarding your handling of the aftermath of that divorce or passing. Perhaps you need to resolve that you will drop the browbeating you have been giving yourself and move on. Whatever your resolutions, or lack thereof, I hope that 2017 is a better year than 2016.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
This might be an unexpected blog posting, but have you thought about sending notes to folks who are ill? You may have gotten a lot of letters or emails or phone calls from others during your time of bereavement, but you can now be a blessing to someone else. Who knows better than you do what the other person is going through? Your thoughtful comments would mean so much to someone who is hurting.
Here are some tips on how to approach this:
You do not need a fancy, pre-printed card. Food stores (like Safeway, in my neck of the woods) carry blank greeting cards that are available by the packet. I buy some pretty cards in bulk and then send them out as the need arises (it always arises).
Do not tell the other person “I know exactly how you feel.” Obviously, you don’t, but you can share your own personal experience that is similar to what they are facing. Do not make this all about yourself, however.
Mention what the person is experiencing (“I heard that you recently lost your (mother, sister, husband, whoever) and wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers”). You can then tell the individual about your own connection to their grief (“I remember when John walked out, and understand what that feels like….”). Offer assistance, if you wish (“I would love to come over and cook dinner for you on Tuesday night….”) or just let the friend know that you are available (“I am here if you would like to talk about this or if you just want to have a cup of coffee sometime”). Close the note with assurances (“This is a difficult time but …”). Do not tell the person that he or she will laugh about it some day. There might not be any laughing about this for years, especially if John wiped her out financially when he left to go live with that hussy.
This is not something that takes a lot of time, but it can really be an encouragement to the other person. It can also help with your own healing, as you reach out to someone else who is going through difficult circumstances right now.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I was driving back from the mall today when I heard an ad that I could not believe. It was for a male enhancement drug center that wanted to help men who were, apparently, cheating on their wives. It went something like this: They asked if the men in the audience were in a situation where they wanted to get intimate with someone, but they realized that things were not working well downstairs (to put this as delicately as possible). They then asked the audience, “So who are you going to talk about this with? Your wife????”
I could only imagine that conversation” “Hey honey, I was with Susie the other day and……..” After laughing out loud for a few minutes, it came to me that many women are in exactly that situation. It wasn’t funny any more, it was incredibly sad. It is a sad statement on our society when an ad like that one could air on the radio and no one (except me and maybe some of you) would find it strange.
It is almost as bad as the television ad one of my students showed during her speech yesterday. The ad was for makeup and one of the models for the product was a cross-dressing man. I gasped, “That’s a man!” and one of the students turned to me and said, “That’s the new normal.”
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you feel that these ads are simply part of “the new normal,” or were you as horrified as I was?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hi everyone:
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday. Next in line is Christmas, as you all well know. This can be a very stressful time of year as you travel alone to places known for entertaining families. I travel to Florida once a month to help out my dad and I have found it very lonely to see all the families together, excited about going to see a large rodent, while I am totally alone. Here’s how I cope with the situation:
I find a nuclear family waiting at the same gate as my flight and engage them in conversation. It helps that I was an original cast member at Walt Disney World, since this lets me talk to them about their upcoming trip to see Mickey and the gang. Their eyes get big and I share some tidbit of what it was like to work for the mouse (it was fun!). This makes them feel good about their decision to go there and it gives me someone to talk to while we are waiting, without being creepy.
What if you have never worked in the place you are traveling to? Well, perhaps you could compliment the parents on how well-behaved their kids are or what intelligence they demonstrate (this works when little kids have a good vocabulary- studies show that it is a sign of intelligence). Parents will not generally stop you from talking when you are complimenting their kids! Do be sincere- don’t fake it. This will keep your mind off of your situation while allowing you to make a new but temporary friend.
I do not suggest striking up a conversation with someone who might misinterpret your friendliness, if you get my drift. Do not talk to children who are alone, though I once found it nice to talk to non-custodial parents about their young child who was flying alone. I promised to keep an eye on the child while making a point of not sitting with her on the plane. I gave the teary-eyed child a big “thumbs up” as I boarded the flight; she smiled because I was a familiar face by then. I did not see her again until the end of the flight, but she was happy to know that she knew someone on board.
I hope this helps and pray that you have a lovely holiday season.
Best,
Sheri
Hello Everyone:
It is coming up on a very difficult time of year for those who have recently lost their spouses, but let’s take a moment to talk about whether or not you should do anything special to decorate your home for Christmas.
It may seem like you are being unfaithful to your spouse’s memory if you decorate and find joy in the coming season. I understand those feelings, having lost my first spouse right after Christmas. I had a small son, however, and felt that the decorations were necessary to give him some sense of normalcy at a time when not much else felt that way.
If you can at all manage to do it, decorating can be a way to step back into a somewhat “new normal” and I encourage you to at least consider doing it, even in a small way. Perhaps you don’t feel up to setting up a tree but maybe the nativity set and some garland might be manageable. You might not want to get out the Christmas china but maybe a goofy mug might cheer your day a bit.
Whatever you decide, I pray that this coming Christmas will be a blessing to you.
Take care,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
I recently saw an acquaintance that I hadn’t seen in a while. I asked how she was doing; it was a shock when she told me that her hubby had left for an old flame- his high school sweetheart that he had reconnected with through Facebook. Talk about an awkward silence! How do you handle such an occurrence?
After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, I realized that a beautiful, accomplished woman was standing in front of me. She had been dumped through absolutely no fault of her own and she was hurting.
I asked her some basic questions about what had happened and then I simply asked how she was doing. She admitted that the past year had been difficult for her family and that it was going to take some time before they were back to “normal.” The “new normal,” whatever that would turn out to be. Like me, she is a Christian, so I said I would pray for her.
It might have seemed best to compliment her but it appeared to be best just to listen to what she had to say. Yes, she is slender and attractive but she wasn’t digging for compliments that said she is gorgeous and her husband is a fool. Two families and four children had been affected by this disaster. She just needed to share what she was going through. Sometimes listening, and praying for the person, are the best things that we can do to help ease the individual’s pain.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
Okay, so this topic causes a lot of consternation among people, but I have talked to several divorcees who did, in fact, see something coming. Here are some tips that your hubby might not be walking the straight and narrow:
Does he take phone calls into another room or outside when you enter the room he is in?
Does he suddenly spend a lot of money on his teeth? For example, did a man who cares nothing for the condition of his teeth suddenly go through a lot of expensive cosmetic dental work? Did he take the money to pay for it out of your joint medical savings account? Did he try to hide that work from you?
Did he suddenly become very interested in his clothing? Does he buy new clothes, have you wash them, and then they disappear? Does he show up with a bag full of dirty laundry that you need to wash and then put the now-full bag back in his car after you clean the clothes?
Does he hint around that he might not stay around for much longer? Does he suddenly try to build memories with your kids (but not with you), saying that “something might happen to me?” but there’s nothing wrong with his health?
Does he hide financial issues from you? Does he spend a lot of time shredding things that come in the mail? Does he hide his total income information from you? Does he expect you to sign your joint tax returns without knowing what you have signed?
Does he spend more time away from you than with you? Does he leave the room right after dinner and then spend the evening trying to avoid being with you?
Does he talk about how happy his divorced friends at work are, now that they divorced their long-time wife and married the young chick at the office? Does he build up the ex-wife as a monster and tell you how much he LOVES the new wife, who is the age of the man’s oldest child (or younger)? Does he justify adultery on the grounds that men who have nothing in common with their wives are entitled to cheat?
Does he go on a lot of business trips without giving you a copy of the airline tickets, giving you a handwritten copy of his itinerary, but never showing you the actual ticket itself? When you called with a family emergency while he was gone, did he tell you he wouldn’t come home because he was “on vacation and I’m not cutting my trip short?”
My dear, these a definite hints that “something is rotten in Denmark” or wherever, and you might want to find a marriage counselor or a good attorney.
Best,
Sheri