Hello everyone:
It’s that time of year and you need to decide if you are going to write your usual Christmas letter. Here are a few suggestions for doing it, if you chose to share recent happenings with family and friends:
Please try to stay upbeat, as much as possible. Yes, you need to share the news with friends who may not know your situation, but you need to be positive in the midst of tragedy. [Translation: tell me that your spouse is gone or has died but don’t tell me the details of the final illness or how he or she walked out on you as if it was the “get out of my house” scene between Charles and Helen in Diary of a Mad Black Woman.] If I am a very close friend, I already know what happened.
Please share fond memories of your lost spouse. Do you remember the time…..? What did you do when …………………happened? What happened the time you went to…….. and how did you both respond to that incident? How did you meet your spouse?
Please share how life has changed this past year. I know a widower who has taken advantage of the opportunity to travel, now that his very beloved wife who was so ill is gone. He visits family and friends who he hasn’t seen in a long while and is a real blessing in the midst of his sorrow. Share with me about any trips you have taken and how the kids and grandchildren are.
Please tell me about any plans you have for the coming year. You have something to look forward to- what is it? Remember that, as someone who is close enough to be receiving this letter, I care about you. I have been praying for you and want to hear that you are coming through this difficult time.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes we think that a lot of money is needed for Christmas gifts. While it would certainly come in handy, here are a few suggestions that cost little or no cash:
Are you a good painter with a friend or family member who needs a room painted? Offer to do the manual labor, if he or she will buy the supplies.
Are you a great cook? Offer to create a wonderful meal, if your friend will buy the ingredients.
Can you sew or do clothing repair? Bring your sewing machine if need be, and do the work for your fumble-fingered friend. If you do counted cross stitch or embroidery, it can be a great gift to present your loved one with handmade Christmas ornaments.
Does your family member have limited time and a house in need of cleaning? Offer your services, being careful to not hurt the other person’s feelings by suggesting that the house is in need of work.
Can you make up a coupon good for free babysitting or dog walking? If the friend has a terminally ill family member, can you offer to watch the sick person for a few hours so that your friend can take a break? I know folks with special-needs children who haven’t been able to attend church in years. What a wonderful gift for you to take over on a Sunday morning or evening.
I would love to hear some of your ideas for Christmas on a tight budget!
Best,
Sheri
Hi everyone:
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday. Next in line is Christmas, as you all well know. This can be a very stressful time of year as you travel alone to places known for entertaining families. I travel to Florida once a month to help out my dad and I have found it very lonely to see all the families together, excited about going to see a large rodent, while I am totally alone. Here’s how I cope with the situation:
I find a nuclear family waiting at the same gate as my flight and engage them in conversation. It helps that I was an original cast member at Walt Disney World, since this lets me talk to them about their upcoming trip to see Mickey and the gang. Their eyes get big and I share some tidbit of what it was like to work for the mouse (it was fun!). This makes them feel good about their decision to go there and it gives me someone to talk to while we are waiting, without being creepy.
What if you have never worked in the place you are traveling to? Well, perhaps you could compliment the parents on how well-behaved their kids are or what intelligence they demonstrate (this works when little kids have a good vocabulary- studies show that it is a sign of intelligence). Parents will not generally stop you from talking when you are complimenting their kids! Do be sincere- don’t fake it. This will keep your mind off of your situation while allowing you to make a new but temporary friend.
I do not suggest striking up a conversation with someone who might misinterpret your friendliness, if you get my drift. Do not talk to children who are alone, though I once found it nice to talk to non-custodial parents about their young child who was flying alone. I promised to keep an eye on the child while making a point of not sitting with her on the plane. I gave the teary-eyed child a big “thumbs up” as I boarded the flight; she smiled because I was a familiar face by then. I did not see her again until the end of the flight, but she was happy to know that she knew someone on board.
I hope this helps and pray that you have a lovely holiday season.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
It looks like my dream to publish Suddenly Single is one step closer to reality. This morning I received an email from a highly-respected literary agent who would like to represent the book (and me). I am thrilled by this opportunity and look forward to the day when I can give you purchasing information about the book.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
Sheri
Hello Everyone:
It is coming up on a very difficult time of year for those who have recently lost their spouses, but let’s take a moment to talk about whether or not you should do anything special to decorate your home for Christmas.
It may seem like you are being unfaithful to your spouse’s memory if you decorate and find joy in the coming season. I understand those feelings, having lost my first spouse right after Christmas. I had a small son, however, and felt that the decorations were necessary to give him some sense of normalcy at a time when not much else felt that way.
If you can at all manage to do it, decorating can be a way to step back into a somewhat “new normal” and I encourage you to at least consider doing it, even in a small way. Perhaps you don’t feel up to setting up a tree but maybe the nativity set and some garland might be manageable. You might not want to get out the Christmas china but maybe a goofy mug might cheer your day a bit.
Whatever you decide, I pray that this coming Christmas will be a blessing to you.
Take care,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
The holidays are approaching and now is the time to start thinking about what you will do for holiday dinners. It has been my experience that newly-single women are not as likely as single men to be invited over for dinner. One of my recently-bereaved friends told me that he has four different families who want him to join them for Thanksgiving. When I was a newly-divorced gal, there were no invitations.
What can be done about this? If you are the male I just mentioned, you have a choice between families. If you are female, you probably don’t, so I suggest you find other gals in a similar situation and invite them over for a potluck lunch or dinner. When I went through my time of single parenthood, I was the only divorcee I knew. These days, with more marriages breaking up, finding dinner companions might not be so hard.
Who can you invite? Women from your place of worship, women from work that you get along with, and gals from your neighborhood. Since women’s incomes are traditionally lower than when they were married, you might try a potluck, rather than putting out the expense of paying for the entire dinner yourself.
If this does not sound plausible to you- maybe your home is small or you are uncomfortable asking folks you do not know well to share a meal- perhaps you could volunteer at a shelter in your area. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving, no matter what you decide to do.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is to let you know that I am available to speak to your church group or other single’s organization. I would be happy to share thoughts such as Seven Tips to Get Your Life Back On Track When Your Life Has Been Derailed. If you or your organization would like to discuss my coming to your event, please contact me.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
I recently saw an acquaintance that I hadn’t seen in a while. I asked how she was doing; it was a shock when she told me that her hubby had left for an old flame- his high school sweetheart that he had reconnected with through Facebook. Talk about an awkward silence! How do you handle such an occurrence?
After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, I realized that a beautiful, accomplished woman was standing in front of me. She had been dumped through absolutely no fault of her own and she was hurting.
I asked her some basic questions about what had happened and then I simply asked how she was doing. She admitted that the past year had been difficult for her family and that it was going to take some time before they were back to “normal.” The “new normal,” whatever that would turn out to be. Like me, she is a Christian, so I said I would pray for her.
It might have seemed best to compliment her but it appeared to be best just to listen to what she had to say. Yes, she is slender and attractive but she wasn’t digging for compliments that said she is gorgeous and her husband is a fool. Two families and four children had been affected by this disaster. She just needed to share what she was going through. Sometimes listening, and praying for the person, are the best things that we can do to help ease the individual’s pain.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
Okay, so this topic causes a lot of consternation among people, but I have talked to several divorcees who did, in fact, see something coming. Here are some tips that your hubby might not be walking the straight and narrow:
Does he take phone calls into another room or outside when you enter the room he is in?
Does he suddenly spend a lot of money on his teeth? For example, did a man who cares nothing for the condition of his teeth suddenly go through a lot of expensive cosmetic dental work? Did he take the money to pay for it out of your joint medical savings account? Did he try to hide that work from you?
Did he suddenly become very interested in his clothing? Does he buy new clothes, have you wash them, and then they disappear? Does he show up with a bag full of dirty laundry that you need to wash and then put the now-full bag back in his car after you clean the clothes?
Does he hint around that he might not stay around for much longer? Does he suddenly try to build memories with your kids (but not with you), saying that “something might happen to me?” but there’s nothing wrong with his health?
Does he hide financial issues from you? Does he spend a lot of time shredding things that come in the mail? Does he hide his total income information from you? Does he expect you to sign your joint tax returns without knowing what you have signed?
Does he spend more time away from you than with you? Does he leave the room right after dinner and then spend the evening trying to avoid being with you?
Does he talk about how happy his divorced friends at work are, now that they divorced their long-time wife and married the young chick at the office? Does he build up the ex-wife as a monster and tell you how much he LOVES the new wife, who is the age of the man’s oldest child (or younger)? Does he justify adultery on the grounds that men who have nothing in common with their wives are entitled to cheat?
Does he go on a lot of business trips without giving you a copy of the airline tickets, giving you a handwritten copy of his itinerary, but never showing you the actual ticket itself? When you called with a family emergency while he was gone, did he tell you he wouldn’t come home because he was “on vacation and I’m not cutting my trip short?”
My dear, these a definite hints that “something is rotten in Denmark” or wherever, and you might want to find a marriage counselor or a good attorney.
Best,
Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is in honor of a man I have never met. He was the husband of a dear friend and former student of mine at Liberty University. He was on his way home from work on a dark and rainy night one year ago this Friday when his vehicle flipped and he was killed instantly. His wife and daughter do not know what happened to this day, but he was dead and she was suddenly single at the age of 42. He was also 42.
There was so much more they wanted to do together, but life was busy and they never got around to it. If you are in a situation where there are important people in your life, I hope that you will take time to be with them. If you have older parents, take time to be with them. Kiss your kids, love your siblings, and hug your parents. We never know what tomorrow will bring.
On my own list of things-I-wish-I’d-done is recording my great aunt’s memories. She was a storehouse of information about our family and the culture she grew up in. We inherited her house and it is amazing all the artifacts we have found from time gone by. I located the books my grandfather had as he was learning to read. My great grandfather’s wallet, complete with a little money, was in a dresser drawer. My great grandfather was a teacher; I found some writing exercises he used to teach children cursive. It would have been so much fun to go through these things with my great aunt in order to learn the story-behind-the-story. If you have the opportunity to spend some time with an older relative, I highly encourage you to do it.
Thanks for reading today’s blog. My thoughts are with my friend and her daughter as they approach the first anniversary of her hubby’s passing, and they are with you as you navigate the waters of being unexpectedly unmarried.
Best,
Sheri