Hello everyone:
Here is another blog from Pearl Nsiah-Kumi. Today, she shares what it is like to move from divorcee to widow:
Widowhood, as we all know, is the loss of one’s husband or companion. The accompanying feeling of loss is usually quite intense. I know, because I just went through that experience; it was not pleasant, and the reality takes time to sink in. My widowhood is a bit different; it’s not a traditional widowhood because I had gone through a divorce a few years prior to my husband’s passing. It was a divorce of convenience, because I left home for safety reasons, and kept hoping and praying that situations would change. Unfortunately, that change never came. Needless to say, my loss had been going on for a few years, but his passing brought finality to the loss. How about you? How long have you been a widow?
We are widows. Now what? The reality is we’re back to being single. Wow! That’s going to significantly impact our lives from now on and into the future. Since I left home prior to his passing, I’m a bit more settled than I would have been if he had passed when I was still living with him. Nevertheless, the void is still there but the anticipation that things could change has evaporated. I will continue to cope with life as I’ve been doing for the past few years—God my Maker has been my husband. He has provided and protected me in ways I can’t explain. He’s used friends and family and even strangers in my life beyond my expectation. He fills me with joy unspeakable; I commune with Him as friend with friend.
God Himself promised to be a husband to the widow (see Isaiah 54:5). From experience, I know He’ll do that for all widows who will call on Him. His plans are not going to be the same for each one of us going forward, but I know He has a plan. Remaining single for the remainder of your life, re-marrying , or getting more involved with ministry, He will lead us. No matter how He leads, He’ll make sure you’re well taken care of and blessed. I’m sure it will take time to get used to the idea of being single. Allow me to encourage you to embrace God as your husband; He’s an amazing husband.
Thanks so much, Pearl!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever noticed that sometimes you flush the toilet and the toilet just keeps running and running and running? It’s not supposed to do that.
If you do what I usually do, you juggle the handle to get it to stop. This is a temporary fix. You need a long-term solution or the water will keep running with future flushes.
What should you do? The first thing to do is to take the lid of the water closet off (this is your water tank). There is a chain on the contraption in the tank. Is it slack? If so, you need to unhook the chain and then re-hook it so that the chain is not pulled so tightly. If the toilet still continues to run, that is not the problem.
You should then look at the round piece of rubber that covers the drain in the bottom of the tank. Push on it a few times, to see if it is sealing well. It may be shot and may need to be replaced.
You will probably want to empty out the tank before you remove the round rubber cover, so turn off the water next to your wall and flush the toilet. This will make the toilet empty and it won’t be able to re-fill itself.
The rubber piece comes off pretty easily, so take it off and then take it to the hardware store to get a replacement. Bringing the piece with you will ensure that you get a new one that will fit your toilet. When you get back home, replace the rubber piece by reattaching it to the toilet. Turn the water back on at the wall and the toilet will refill. Flush it again, to make sure that it will stop.
If neither of these issues is the problem, you may need to replace the entire flushing mechanism; you can either pay a plumber about $100 minimum to make a house call or you can take a picture of your toilet, bring it to the hardware store to get a new mechanism, and then (following the directions on the package) replace the mechanism yourself. This will take a couple of hours and will require a wrench, a screwdriver, and a bucket.
I hope that this helps solve your running toilet problem!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I met up with a former high school teacher a few years ago, running into him at the mall. After asking what he was doing now, he told me that he was back at the same high school after a five-year break.
He immediately (and voluntarily) launched into an explanation, telling me that he had met a wealthy, older widow a few years before and that she had taken him into her home (and her pocketbook). Over a period of a couple of months, she began giving him lavish gifts; her financial advisor cautioned her repeatedly that she was running through her estate very quickly, but she told him to mind his own business.
One day, she asked her counselor if she should marry her much-younger boyfriend and she was told, “You might as well. You’re spending all of your money on him.”
They got married a short time later and their spending increased. He told me that they thought nothing of taking friends to Paris for the weekend or going to New York City for lunch. He said that they had spent money like drunken sailors on shore leave, until one day when they found out they were broke.
They were forced to sell her gorgeous house and their numerous expensive cars. When I ran into him, they were living in a very modest home with economical cars. He said, “I spent all of her money and now we are back to where I was before I met her.”
To his credit, he did not divorce her and move on, he was actually taking care of her, albeit at a considerably lesser lifestyle than they had become accustomed to. His hard-earned advice: Be careful with your money and spend carefully!
What tales of financial woe can you share with everyone?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
There are some fellows whose wives either always bought their clothes or always gave them advice on what to wear. They may find themselves in the dilemma of not knowing what colors to pair up or what tie to put with which suit. If this is your situation, there are several solutions.
The first is to go to an upscale department or clothing store and ask for help. The problem with this is that the sales people may be very helpful but they are there to sell you more new clothes. Many of them are on commission and they don’t make money by helping you match clothing you already have.
The next solution is to ask your friends for help, specifically those with an interest in fashion. This might be a good short-term solution but then you might end up wearing clothes that are their taste but not necessarily yours. The final solution would be to learn how to match clothing yourself.
I spoke recently with a friend who works as a personal stylist at Nordstrom. Jen told me that men whose wives have always selected their clothing should start with a few basics. She suggested wrinkle-free khaki pants, no-iron shirts, and comfortable shoes. The pants should be in neutral colors because that is the easiest way to match ties to the clothing.
Shirts should be white or blue; she especially cautioned that the blue should be an Oxford (light) blue rather than a French blue. When you are shopping for clothes (whether male or female), you should keep in mind that different vendors design for different body shapes. You can, therefore, be in great shape but you still might not be able to wear a certain designer’s clothing.
As far as whether to wear pleats or no pleats, pleats are sometimes not as becoming to some men while other fellows look much better in them than in a flat front pant. Try several styles on from a variety of designers and see which pant accommodates your body type the best. If you are not sure, take an honest friend with you to try on clothes.
Some men prefer to not wear a belt, but if you like having one on, pick one that is reversible and you will have two belts in one. As you add to your wardrobe, keep in mind that you don’t need a lot of clothes in your closet, but you should have more tops than bottoms.
One mistake-proof way to purchase pants is to take the Garanimal approach to clothing selection, and one manufacturer is helping you out. Bonobos offers a different color khaki pant for every day of the week. The label tells you which day of the week to wear which pair of pants. If you are willing to invest in seven or more pairs of pants, the fact that the pants are all in the same color palette means that you will not make a mistake when pulling out a shirt and a pair of trousers when you get dressed in the morning. These are all no-iron, tailored pants that range in color from light gray to blue to brown to black, so you might find them attractive. One thing to keep in mind is that your body changes through the years and it is a good idea to go to a high-end store and get measured to make sure you are wearing the right size!
If you enjoy wearing sweaters, here is the scoop on having the best style for who you are. Crew-necked sweaters (round neckline) appeal mostly to younger men. The V-neck sweater is the best bet for older men because it is more flattering on them. V-necked sweaters can be dressed up or down. Add an Oxford blue shirt and T-shirt and you look dressy. Remove the Oxford shirt and just wear a T-shirt under the sweater and you will be more casual and hip.
Quarter-zip sweaters also look stylish and are a good selection if you have shoulder issues or mobility problems. They are also nice for transitional seasons. Cardigan sweaters give you the, well, Mr. Rogers look. However, they can be helpful if you are older and frequently chilly. They can be much easier for your caregiver to help you into, if you are unable to dress yourself.
Jen also said that every man needs at least one pair of jeans. If you are the type of man who would wear a sports coat, make it a navy blue one, since that will go with everything. Before buying one, ask yourself where you would wear it. If you can’t answer the questions, you don’t need the coat.
Coats are also a way to look “together.” North Face coats are hip and trendy, and their 3 in 1 coat is especially good. Denali also makes a good fleece coat and Burber is another good quality jacket. If you do not have a “forever” watch, Hermes, Michael Kohr, or Rolex watches have an excellent reputation.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
There is a group of people for whom I have great respect: caregivers. These dear folks sacrifice their own lives to give to others. May God richly bless them!
I know a gal who loves to go out to eat with her girlfriends, but she realized lately that going to one of their favorite restaurants made her late getting home to take over the reigns of her elderly mother’s care (she has a three-day-a-week few-hours-at-a-time break but the paid caregiver has limited hours). So we probably won’t get to go back there again …for the foreseeable future, if you get my drift.
She loved raising chickens but she understood that it was getting harder and harder for her elderly mother to go to their farm area first thing in the morning, so my friend gave her beloved chickens away. She enjoyed going out to eat twice a day when friends and family came in from out of town, but acknowledged that it was too hard on her mother, so now she is limited to once a day during the visits, or less.
When you care for someone who is elderly, as their world gets constricted, so does yours. For a person to willingly accept those limitations, while still perfectly able-bodied herself, it’s incredible. You know that your world will not get bigger until the day comes that the family member is no longer in need of that care.
I have to believe that there is a special place in heaven for such special, caring people. Here’s to you, my friend, and to everyone in the same situation!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today we have a guest blogger with us, Ms. Pearl Nsiah-Kumi. She was born in Ghana, West Africa and has been in Maryland for over 40 years. She is a divorcee who had three adult children and four grandchildren. She is the author of several books; this blog is an excerpt from her latest one, “Your Maker is Your Husband.”
SINGLE CHRISTIAN WOMEN
I am speaking to the issue of being a single Christian woman, because I’m in that place myself: God is my husband! I was married for almost forty years, and together with my husband, we raised three children, and now have four grandchildren. Yes, my husband protected us and was the lead in most decision making. He cut the grass, washed the car, filled the gas tank, and did most of the taxiing around town as needed.
So you can imagine that when I left home to be on my own, I assumed responsibilities that I didn’t have before. I was faced with yard work: both grass cutting in the summer and snow removal in the winter. These were chores I did not care for, but they came with the territory of being single. I found them difficult and challenging, but I resolved those issues by hiring help. Now my loving son-in-law cuts the grass for me, and I’m thankful.
You might be wondering why I left home after so many years of marriage. The truth is, the complications of mental illness created a very unsafe environment for me. I had hoped my move out would be temporary, causing the situation to change and allowing me to move back home again.
In fact, I did not unpack all my boxes when I arrived at my new address; I had hoped that missing me would make him seek help, so I could return home. However, days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months to years and no help was sought.
So I went a step further and filed for divorce. As of this writing, nothing has changed. Where was God in all of this? After all, He instituted marriage and hates divorce. Still, He was with me and directed me through the counsel of some God-fearing individuals.
God confirmed the counsel I received by saying, “Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers” (Proverbs 11:14 NLT), “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success” (Proverbs 15:22 NLT), “Don’t go to war without wise guidance; victory depends on having many advisers” (Proverbs 24:6).
So I’m living a single’s life, and if that’s your life as well, regardless of the reason, then let me assure you that you’re not alone. Yes, scripture says God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16), but as my counselor reminded me, God also hates murder. I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either stay married and get hurt or killed, or move out.
I chose to live, see God write the next chapter of my life, and have the opportunity to continue to pray for my children and grandchildren, which, by the way, is a wonderful privilege. If your husband is an unbeliever and leaves, the Bible says to let him go (see 1 Corinthians 7:15).
Your singleness might not have been the result of a divorce. Maybe you’ve just not found the right man, or maybe you had one, but he’s now deceased. It’s also possible that none of these apply to you. You could still be married, but things aren’t going well and you feel alone. That was me for a number of years before I finally left home. No matter how your singleness came about, our needs are similar and unique and I believe God has the answers we’re each looking for.
Thank you, Pearl. I hope everyone will pick up a copy of your latest book, “Your Maker is Your Husband.”
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Women whose husbands have found greener pastures need to be savvy with financial matters. An ex-husband-to-be can frequently hide assets so that his new nest can be well-feathered. Beware of the hubby who drops hints that he is building a nest egg, especially if it seems that someone else will be sitting on the eggs.
Keep your ears and eyes open; state laws can help you with some of these assets but you need a good lawyer to help get you your share (yes, I know that some people consider “good” and “lawyer” to be mutually exclusive words, but I mean you need to find someone who will help uncover those hidden pots of gold and get you the money your years with an adulterous spouse deserve).
Does he suddenly receive financial statements from accounts with institutions you know nothing about? That could very well be a hidden asset, sister! To find the lawyer who would be the most helpful in getting your share of the family assets, find someone who is well aware of the laws in your state and who has the wherewithal to make sure you get what you deserve.
If it makes you feel any better, just realize that someone who cheats WITH your spouse will eventually cheat ON him or her. He or she might think that the pastures are greener elsewhere but, as Erma Brombeck always said, the grass is always greener over the septic tank. I would add: and you know what that is full of.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
If the engine of your car stalled, what would you do? [Hint: Make sure you have gas in the car by looking at the gas gauge on the dashboard.]
Make sure you are looking at the gauge that has a picture of a gas pump nearby- I almost ran out of gas with a new car once because the dashboard was different from my previous car and I had been looking at the engine temperature gauge instead of the gas gauge. I was amazed at the gas mileage the car was getting until I suddenly realized I had been looking at the wrong thing!
How do you know if you need to put gas in the car? [Answer: look at the gas gauge. One widow I heard about in my research had never noticed that her hubby always kept her car filled with gas. One day shortly after he met his demise, her car wouldn’t start. Guess what the problem was? Right.]
One of the service managers where I take my car for maintenance told me that you should “do for your car what you would do for yourself. Your car will take care of you if you take care of it.” He also mentioned that it is worthwhile to go the extra mile to make sure you get the car or the car service that you want. Do not settle for less than what you feel your car needs and you deserve.
What tales of gas woes do you have to share? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let me tell you a story. This sad tale was told to me by one of my students. He knew a man, who we will call “the Colonial,” who was a patient at a home for veterans.
My student realized that the man never had any visitors, in spite of having been a man of considerable influence during the span of his military career. He shared his story in small parts, over a period of a few months.
He had been married three times, ditching each of his first two wives after they hit the ripe old age of 40, saying “they just kind of lose something around that age, you know?”
He had children with his first two wives, and now has a boatload of grandchildren, who he no longer sees. His third wife (who is now in her mid-40s) was “the best darn divorce lawyer in town.” (Slight paraphrase over the word he actually used there!)
She now lives comfortably in the house the Colonial paid for, using money from his investments to support her lifestyle. She does not come to see him, preferring the company of younger men to that of her bitter, chronically ill, late-80’s husband.
His kids and grandchildren hate him; his current wife ignores him. He did not make very good plans for his own future, placing great importance on having a trophy wife, but not understanding what would happen to him if he became institutionalized or simply got old.
Do you know anyone like the Colonel? Someone who used people, instead of having good relationships with others? Please feel free to share their stories, but do not use real names.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When people get ready to sell their home of many years, they are emotionally attached to the property. As such, they over-value their home and see it as perfect (or, at least, eccentric or charming).
One look at all of those HGTV shows like Flip or Flop or Buying and Selling tells you that outdated looks, worn carpeting, and cabinets from the 90s are not on the top of most buyers’ wish lists.
If hiring a decorator is not in your budget, get some decorating magazines and see what the current trends are. Find out what buyers are looking for in your area by talking to some real estate agents or to the folks at the local home improvement center.
Do talk with a full time real estate agent to find out which improvements are bringing the highest return on the investment in your area. If you decide to talk with a professional contractor, talk to one who you pay for his or her advice, rather than the person who wants to make a lot of money from your job.
If you talk to a bricklayer, for example, he or she might tell you that a new fire pit in the backyard would be a great investment, but having a worn out kitchen replaced would actually bring more bang for your buck.
From what the reality home shows demonstrate, a new kitchen or bathroom (or both) is usually the best way to go with home renovations in order to sell faster and for top dollar.
Also take the time to get rid of half of your stuff and then get rid of half of what’s left. A crowded home that looks like it belongs to a hoarder is not the best way to go when trying to sell. Yes, you love all of your stuff, but others don’t.
I will have more on selling your home in future blogs. For now, take a hard look at your house and see what others see when they walk in.
Best,
Dr. Sheri