Hi everyone:
I usually don’t deal with this type of topic at Suddenly Single, but I wanted to shed some light on an issue that some of you may have faced in your marriage that has now ended.
That difficult subject is that of domestic abuse. According to a recent article in World Magazine, “most of the damage from domestic abuse is invisible. It involves repetitive behaviors that terrorize, dehumanize, objectify, degrade, and control spouses” (p. 38). The article goes on to say that “such abuse is a hammer to the soul, pounding over and over at the personhood, dignity, and freedom of a spouse” (p. 38).
Believe it or not, this abuse can go both ways. If you are the victim of this type of behavior, please seek professional help. While your church may be the best place to go, please understand that some pastors are not trained to help in these situations.
If you have made it out of an abusive situation, please don’t jump right back into another relationship until you have your own life sorted out. The only thing worse than one abusive relationship would be to find the same kind of individual and jump into another abusive alliance.
Take care,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Some men rush to immediately give away their deceased wife’s clothing. Try not to be in too big a hurry here, or you may find that someone who could have really used the clothes has been overlooked.
Offer them to your children first; you never know when some jacket or shirt has a special meaning to your kids. However, do not try to force the clothing on your children; the size or style is probably wrong for them, and you should not do a guilt trip on them for not wanting the clothing. Make the offer but let the matter drop if they say they don’t want it; it will not bring your spouse back and they are grieving, as well.
After your children have had the chance to look through the clothing or simply say “no thanks,” consider people you know who might appreciate having them. Is there a clothing bank at your church or do you know of a ministry in your community that could use the clothing?
When my aunt died, we offered her clothes to some nearby neighbors who had been nice to my relative. As it turned out, the mother-in-law of one of our neighbors was exactly my aunt’s size. That woman’s winter coats were pretty much worn out and she had been considering buying new ones.
My aunt had several coats and jackets that were in excellent shape (she took good care of her clothes) and we were able to pass them along for the other gal to enjoy. It felt wonderful to help someone’s mother, especially since those folks had been so nice to my aunt for many years. The rest of her clothing was a bit dated, so we took it to the local Help Center and got a tax deduction for the donation.
When my mother died, we were able to pass some of her lightweight coats to her best friend, who was a similar size. The rest of the clothes were given to a charity that resells used clothing in order to help support retired teachers. My mother had been a high school English teacher at one time, so we really felt like we were reaching back to help out her kind of folks!
The mantra here is: check things out before you dump things out. It would have been such a waste if we just thrown out her clothing, thinking no one would have any use for those things. The teachers’ group even accepted Mom’s old shoes and purses.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
There are some events that you need to plan for, if you have children: college and weddings. Both are huge expenses, the former usually more so than the latter. How will your children fund their college? Will they start out at a community college, taking lower level core classes, and then transfer to a 4-year institution? Will they be able to get a college scholarship (or two) or will you be responsible for paying their whole way? Will you decide that they need to pay for college themselves? Will they want to go to college, or will a trade school be in their future plans? Will they work part or full time and go to school part time?
As a community college faculty member, I see students who work more than one job and still attend class full time. Most of the time, they look exhausted. The ones who live on their own look even more tired as they work a low-paying job while trying to focus on their future. Is this the path you want your children to take?
By planning ahead, you can take some of the burden off of the students in your family and be a real blessing to them as they complete their college education. That is what my parents did and they have now helped their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren with the high cost of education.
What about weddings? They can be pretty pricey these days; some couples want the “Say Yes to the Dress” experience (dresses start at about $2,000 at the Atlanta version of this show; the sky’s the limit at the New York version’s “Say Yes” wedding boutique). As a fan of the show, I have seen brides who cared nothing about a so-called budget; they wanted the dress that they wanted and Daddy’s finances made no difference in the world.
Please don’t let that be your approach to weddings; your daughter is going to look incredibly beautiful on her big day, no matter what she wears. You can have a lovely wedding without breaking the bank, but please plan ahead for the day so that it can be a modest, yet superb gathering for friends and family.
What plans do you have for preparing for life’s events? I would love to hear your suggestions.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I want to pay tribute to some folks I know. They are the unsung heroes who take a new divorcee or widow or widower under their wings, to help that individual who is hurting get back on his or her feet. May you be richly blessed for your kindness to someone who is hurting.
I know a lady who did just that with a work colleague. She invited this colleague, who she had not known before except to say “hello,” into her life when the lady suffered an unexpected loss. This woman has been there for the other gal. She’s taken her to dinner, let her spent the night when it was too painful to face the empty bed at home, and given her advice on how to cope with the death of her husband. She is a devout Christian, as you might expect, and there is a hurting lady who now knows where she is going when she dies, thanks to the outreach of this wonderful woman.
If you know someone like this, I hope you will share his or her story with my readers. These are the behind-the-scenes folks who are treasures from heaven.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I met someone recently who is facing some real challenges since her hubby died without warning. She had no idea of how he handled the finances, she didn’t drive, she didn’t own any assets in her own name, and she had some in-laws that were more like outlaws. They told her they would “take care” of her, if she signed her hubby’s life insurance over to them and signed her house over to his children from his first marriage.
Apparently, she did sign over the life insurance and they are paying her a monthly amount that meets her mortgage payments and not much else. Oh, and they have offered her a one-way ticket to the country from which she immigrated (after she signs over the house).
Folks, in-laws can become out-laws really quickly when money is involved. Please make sure that, if your spouse has already passed, you get some strong financial advice from a financial consultant (as opposed to the in-laws that want to take your money from you and get rid of you).
Please be as wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove because being the latter can get you into real hot water.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I don’t usually talk about movies in this space but I wanted to share with you about a movie I saw last night that has had a profound effect on my thinking. That movie is Chappaquiddick, the story of five days in the life of Senator Ted Kennedy.
Kennedy and a group of older, married men had a party with some young women at a cabin in Massachusetts. They claim everything was very platonic, and I am not looking for a lawsuit, but you do the math. Kennedy got in his car and went for a drive with a gal named Mary Jo, they had a car accident, and she suffocated while Kennedy equivocated on how to save his political career (but not her life).
The rest of the movie dealt with how Kennedy had several opportunities to do the right thing and show integrity but how, each time, he backed down and did what was best for Ted Kennedy.
It really got me thinking about how some adulterous folks do the same thing with regard to their innocent bystander spouses. The guilty parties try to heap blame on their spouses, arguing that the spouse is at fault for their waywardness, much like Kennedy tried to say (at first) that Mary Jo had been driving, so that her death was her own fault. That may play well in Massachusetts (Kennedy was re-elected how many times after the accident?) but maybe not so well in your hometown.
Kennedy claimed he dove down numerous times to try and save her, much like an adulterous spouse might say that he or she tried to save the marriage (think Prince Charles here, with regard to his cheating on Princess Diana. It was hard, she said, having three people in the marriage) but this his or her spouse wouldn’t play along. Newt Gingrich had trouble selling his third wife on the concept of “open marriage,” or so I heard, even as he lectured around the country on the topic of family values.
I think the character of Joan Kennedy had Ted’s true personality pin-pointed with her comment to him as they drove from the funeral, but I won’t spoil the movie for you by telling you what she said.
What do you think, either about this topic or the movie? I would love to know your thoughts. BTW, yes, the movie is worth seeing.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A story was told to me by one of my students. He knew a man, who we will call “the Colonial,” as a patient at a home for veterans.
My student realized that the man never had any visitors, in spite of having been a man of considerable influence during the span of his career. He shared his story in small parts, over a period of time.
He had been married three times, ditching each of his first two wives after they hit the ripe old age of 40, saying “they just kind of lose something around that age, you know?”
He had children with his first two wives, and now has a boatload of grandchildren, who he no longer sees.
His third wife (who is now in her mid-40s) was “the best darn divorce lawyer in town;” she now lives comfortably in the house the Colonial paid for, using money from his investments to support her lifestyle. She does not come to see him, preferring the company of younger men to that of her bitter, chronically ill, late-80’s husband.
His kids and grandchildren hate him; his current wife ignores him. He did not make very good plans for his own future, placing great importance on having a trophy wife, but not understanding what would happen to him if he became institutionalized.
Food for thought.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let’s talk about bugs. You may like them personally under some circumstances (which I cannot imagine) but you don’t want them in the kitchen, eating your food.
When I grew up in Florida, I went to an un-air-conditioned high school with direct access to the outside world. The school had problems with palmetto bugs and cockroaches. When we put our lunches in our lockers, the bugs frequently got our lunch before lunchtime.
We got used to carrying our lunches with us all morning; I developed a taste for squashed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by default because my sandwiches always looked like they were run through an old-fashioned ringer washer by lunchtime. Please note that we could also stop here and talk about the rats in the locker rooms, but I digress!
Sealed containers are great for storing cookies, pretzels, and cereal. They are not expensive and can be purchased at the grocery store. If your significant other never had them, please buy some and transfer your food into them.
If your dearly beloved had them but the food has been in there for an extended period of time, dump the food and start over. You may be growing penicillin, otherwise.
Here’s a quick bit of information: if you like soft cookies, put a piece of bread in the Tupperware-type container when you add cookies and they will remain soft longer. The bread will become hard as a rock, so you will need to toss it out and replace it occasionally, but the cookies will be delightful.
I hope this information helps you on the way to a bug-less storage of your food.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
If you are familiar with the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman, there was a scene where the betrayed wife Helen (Kimberly Elise) was taken by Medea (Tyler Perry in drag) to her former home and her old closet.
Medea encouraged Helen to tear up the clothing of Brenda, the other woman (Lisa Marcos). As they utterly destroyed the closet’s contents, clothes flew all over the place. This was a great source of relief to Helen and Medea as they took revenge on the adulterous husband Charles (Steve Harris) but it, along with the wholesale chain-sawed destruction of the living room, led to their being taken to jail. It is not a good way to get a closet organized, although it did relieve some tension.
My sister-in-law knew a gal whose hubby died unexpectedly. A relative of the lady came into her house and removed all of the dead man’s clothing; she thought she was helping out, but the lady had wanted to do it herself, as part of the grieving process.
She had planned on making a comfort pillow out of one of her hubby’s dress shirts, but that plan was nixed by her relative’s over-eager approach to cleaning out the closet. Make sure the person is ready; let things happen in their own time.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
For my divorced readers, it is my earnest hope that your spouse did not control the finances of your family exclusively. You should have had your own savings and checking accounts so that you had some control over your own expenses.
Not having access to your own money is a recipe for disaster, if you have become suddenly single. When a very close friend of mine became unexpectedly unmarried, her estranged spouse allegedly cleaned out three bank accounts that they had jointly, leaving her with a grand total of $6 for the next two weeks before pay day.
By removing a check from the middle of the checkbook, she did not notice that one was missing when she picked up the checkbook to pay bills. She received a call from a friend at her bank the next afternoon; the banker told her that her estranged husband entered the bank, asked how much he had to leave in the accounts so that his withdrawing money would not trigger a special statement ($2 in each account), and took out the rest of the money.
Fortunately, she had thought ahead and had opened a personal checking account and deposited her paycheck for that week in the account, so things were not as disastrous as they could have been. She still had to cover the checks she had written before becoming aware of the situation and she thereby avoided bank charges that would have otherwise been incurred.
I hope that you were not in this same situation; I hope that you had your own money, no matter how little the amount.
Best,
Dr. Sheri